The Reasons People Are Romantically and Sexually Unsuccessful

I’m lonely, I can’t find a date no matter how hard I try. This must be because:

  • I’m too fat and everybody likes skinny women / men
  • I’m too short and everybody likes tall men (nobody likes tall women)
  • I’m not muscular enough
  • I don’t use make-up
  • I’m not conventionally attractive
  • I don’t have a job
  • I don’t have a prestigious education
  • I’m shy
  • I’m awkward
  • I’m unsociable
  • I don’t dress nicely
  • I’m poor
  • I’m too outspoken
  • I’m too smart
  • I don’t shave my armpits
  • I’m bald
  • my ears are too big
  • my thighs are ugly

Society is unfair, and unconventional people like myself don’t stand a chance romantically.

Whenever you are hearing (or saying) something like this, you need to know that you are hearing (or saying) a load of complete and utter horseshit. And believe me, this is the mildest term I can find for it.

Sexual desire has absolutely nothing to do with any of the above. These are simply excuses people use to blame their lack of romantic and sexual success on some vague entity they call “society.” I know nobody wants to hear this. As you know from my recent series of posts titled “My Romantic Journey”, I am very familiar with this neurotic game. Believe me, people, this is a road to nowhere. At least, nowhere nice.

The only thing that makes some people extremely popular and attracts crowds of admirers to them is their healthy, happy, exuberant sexuality. There are dozens of non-verbal clues such people offer to the world. They move differently, look at you differently, they smell of sex. Our subconscious reads all of these signs way before we even begin to notice their weight, height, ears, and armpits. And when we do notice these things, it’s too late for them to matter.

Now, this doesn’t mean that a person who doesn’t happen to have a happy, healthy, exuberant sexuality at the moment is doomed to loneliness. It is still possible to meet somebody who will be chemically attracted to you and whose romantic scenario will fit you perfectly. People who are wildly sexually popular simply maximize their chances of meeting a partner who would be perfect for them because they manage to attract so many people.

I think I mentioned before this man I knew, let’s call him P. P. was short, skinny, wrinkly, ugly like hell. He had started losing his hair at the age of 19. He was permanently broke. He never had anything interesting to say. And women slaughtered each other for him.

I also think I blogged before about this woman I used to know, let’s call her L. L. was obese, and not in a pretty, plump way. She had buck teeth and a nasty streak from here to the moon. However, L. was a true femme fatale. The number of beautiful, smart, kind men who adored her was shocking.

Of course, I’m only talking about sexual attraction right now. If we are to discuss relationships and what ingredients make successful long-term relationships possible, intense sexual attraction is not nearly enough. But this is a completely different topic that I will address in separate post if people are interested. (And believe me, what I have to say has nothing to do with the ordinary platitudes about the importance of listening, communicating your needs, and other inane things like that.)

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25 comments on “The Reasons People Are Romantically and Sexually Unsuccessful

  1. *But this is a completely different topic that I will address in separate post if people are interested.*

    Yes, please! I am very interested.

  2. I said it before both el and Tim but didn’t bother posting :P Now I know there is a competition I will be more attentive.

  3. I cannot think of anything more unattractive that when a person blames others, or society as a whole, for their own shortcomings. What is attractive ( to me, anyway), is a girl who accepts responsibility for who she is and is making an attempt to improve the areas that need it…and maybe flaunting the areas that don’t…just a little bit.

  4. Based on your post, the only way I can interpret it is “the reason you’re sexually/romantically unsuccessful isn’t because you lack things on this list of things you can’t really change about yourself, but because you lack this other thing that you can’t really change about yourself. Not helpful at all, and just as aggravating and depressing as believing it’s because I lack something on your list.

    • Sexual health is something that can, indeed, be achieved. Just like any other form of health. Why on Earth would you believe that a healthy sexuality is something so unattainable??

      • You didn’t say “healthy sexuality” in your post, you said “healthy, happy, exuberant sexuality.” I’m not sure how to interpret the “healthy” part, but “happy” and “exuberant” to me imply a degree of sexual confidence that can only be acquired through having successful sexual and romantic encounters. I don’t see how anything other than success in sex and romance would lead to a healthy, happy, exuberant sexuality.

        Of course, this could be my misinterpretation. Since you don’t provide a definition for any of your terms, it’s very open to being mischaracterized.

      • “I’m not sure how to interpret the “healthy” part, but “happy” and “exuberant” to me imply a degree of sexual confidence that can only be acquired through having successful sexual and romantic encounters.”

        -Sexual health is a necessary condition for successful sexual encounters. I think you are confusing cause and effect. Confidence and a healthy attitude to sexuality are formed in one’s childhood through the attitudes to one’s body and sexuality fostered inside one’s own family.

  5. If confidence and a healthy attitude to sexuality are formed in childhood, that more or less proves my point that they can’t be acquired. By the time you’re an adult, you either have it or you don’t.

    • Childhood conditioning can be addressed very effectively in adulthood. It seems like you are trying to convince yourself that sexual happiness is not possible. That’s your right, of course. Far be it from me to separate people from their misery if it makes them happy.

  6. -Sexual health is a necessary condition for successful sexual encounters. I think you are confusing cause and effect. Confidence and a healthy attitude to sexuality are formed in one’s childhood through the attitudes to one’s body and sexuality fostered inside one’s own family.

    Well there was absolutely no mention of sexuality in my family and seemingly no thought of it either. My culture was extremely repressed. Even to say that is an understatement of unbelievable proportions. There was a lot of anger, on my father’s side, associated with the possibility of emerging sexuality. I understand that all my female cousins were chased out of their homes for being considered “loose” (although they had done nothing and were too young to know about sexuality) once they reached puberty. They all had fraught relationships with their families of origin after that, until they were firmly established in a heterosexual relationship, at which point they were tacitly re-accepted into the family fold.

    My relationship with my husband is very good, though. We are still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship, ten years later.

    • Are you me, or something? :-) :-)

      There are happy cases when, as I put it, “nature got there first.” :-) I was also indoctrinated since childhood that sex was dirty. In my family, the word “condom” was a swear word. :-) But I have been blessed by nature with such a healthy temperament that I knew for a fact since very very early in life that people who were dumping on this part of life were fools. Even when I didn’t know what this part of life really entailed. :-)

  7. Hi Clarissa,

    Great blog. I really enjoy your witty writing style, and sharp observations.
    Don´t despair about the rejection. After all, they are invariably subjective, and sometimes you meet a reviewer who takes out their personal venom on you. It´s unfair, but so is life.

    In regard to your blog on sexual attractiveness, I couldn´t agree more. If we all had to be supermodel types, human reproduction would come to an abrupt end. It´s personality that does it, but, of course, it doesn´t suit the media and advertising types to tell us that.

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