OK, people you need to read this great link to Cosmo’s sex advice that the Twisted Spinster left on my blog. I have been weeping with laughter for an hour. I can’t wait for my husband to come home. No, not to subject him to these horrible practices but to laugh together.
Here is just a small excerpt that includes a Cosmo advice and a blogger’s takedown:
14. “It’s time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years).”
Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that’s sexy.
16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?
17. “Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple,” and ask your man to lick it off.”
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.
Do read the entire thing. It’s the best.
OK, just one more quote. I think this one wins the contest:
35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.’”
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”
I’d totally dump a person for doing this to me at dinner.