Who Causes Your Unhappiness

These people scare me a lot:

The New York article is actually a thoughtful review and discussion of recent research on parental happiness and satisfaction, and these studies, cumulatively, do make a good case that active parents are more tired and stressed, and less happy and satisfied, than non-parents or those whose children are grown. But I don’t think that is an argument against parenthood; rather, it illustrates the relative non-importance of such concepts as “happiness” and “satisfaction” in many parents’ lives and choices.

If she throws such a public fit about sacrificing happiness and satisfaction, I can only imagine the daily dose of guilt her miserable children get from the “I-gave-up-happiness-for-you” mother.

Happiness originates inside people, not outside. If you don’t feel happy, have the maturity to analyze what it is you are doing wrong instead of blaming your unhappiness on your children.

The entire post is very reminiscent of the “marriage is not fun, it is hard work” variety. Poor repressed Puritans who have no idea how to enjoy existence and who blame everybody and everything for their constant misery.

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7 comments on “Who Causes Your Unhappiness

  1. I had an “I-gave-up-happiness-for-you” mother, and vowed I’d never be that mom. It’s the worst — feeling like your parent resents you so much. I learned from my mom that if I wanted to have a positive relationship with my kids that I needed to do things for myself in addition to doing things for them. Some may think it’s selfish, but I think it’s TOTALLY healthy. It also teaches your kids that a parent does not solely exist to serve the child and that healthy human beings get meaning in life from a variety of sources — not just their children. People who only get meaning from their children are very sorry when their kids grow up and leave. What do they do then??

    • I’ve missed your brilliant comments, my friend. :-)

      ” I learned from my mom that if I wanted to have a positive relationship with my kids that I needed to do things for myself in addition to doing things for them. Some may think it’s selfish, but I think it’s TOTALLY healthy.”

      – It’s the healthiest model in the world.

      • Brilliant? :)

        I think it’s also important to me to show my children — both of them are boys — that women are good for more than just cleaning up after them. I want my kids to know that it’s normal for women to have goals, ambitions, and meaningful work outside the home. If I want them to know it — and more importantly, believe in it!! — then I need to be a good example of all this! I’m raising feminists, damn it. :)

      • I never use the word “brilliant” lightly. :-)

        This world really needs more feminist men! And you are right, one can pontificate until the cows come home but that will have very little effect if it isn’t accompanied by actually living according to these principles.

      • I read several mommy blogs, and the ones that make me crazy are the blogs where the mom is a stay-at-home mom who does every single thing for her children and nothing for herself. It just makes me sad reading about how unhappy they frequently are when it’s their own choices that are making them unhappy — not the kids. Being a slave to your children only teaches them that they don’t need to take care of themselves. And, to me, there’s nothing so sick and depressing as a person who is incapable of making decisions or taking risks or living their lives because they never had to before. Someone else always did everything for them. Why do you think we have so many “kids” in their 30s who live at home and can’t find anything meaningful to do with their lives? That is NOT going to be my family.

      • I know several people of about my age who were raised according to this enmeshment model and they are very sad to observe. They behave like they are their mother’s body part, with no will or life of their own.

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