Enmeshment

Not even in my culture – which is known for really extreme forms of enmeshment between adult children and their parents – have I heard of the following cases:

Walking into a job interview with a Canadian architectural firm, a young candidate brings something unexpected: mom.

An employee with the British Columbia company says it was the first time she had seen a parent shadow the hiring process, describing what ensued as “a bit of an awkward situation.” But she adds that there have been at least five or six recent occasions in which a mother or father sat with their grown child in the waiting room before an interview.

Dear parents, please stop and consider that if your adult child is incapable of going through a job interview without you being present, then something must have gone really wrong. Have you tried asking yourselves why crowds of young people raised by somebody other than you manage to find jobs and develop their careers without their parents’ involvement? Doesn’t your child, who can’t do the same, seem deprived of something important to you? Something like maturity, responsibility, independence?

Are you still helping the little darling use the potty? Or is it something your 25-year-old baby can handle without any help?

P.S. I linked to the article but don’t read it, it’s stupid to the point where I suspect that its author was just such a coddled over-grown baby whose parents found a job for their gray-haired baby. Its only use is to testify to the existence of a phenomenon the author’s impotent brains cannot analyze.

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10 comments on “Enmeshment

  1. Freudian enmeshments:

    How
    Forgive the force
    That broke my nose
    The malice aforethought
    That killed my father
    The grim necessity
    That made mother a whore of all seasons
    The dubious acquired knowledge
    That made the child his parents’ gadfly
    The broken home
    The broken cherished hope
    Which to time gave its all
    And from time now demands everything
    Expects nothing
    Is this of me the vision she despairs
    The masochistic anarchy she constructs from my words
    From my actions?
    And I, like she expects,
    Think of her of me
    In terms of eaglet desire.

    • I was the only person to present myself at the entrance exams to the university without my parents back in 1994 (in Ukraine.) From all the other students in my group I know about, I’m the only one with a career.

  2. // my culture – which is known for really extreme forms of enmeshment between adult children and their parents

    Why do you think it is so? Historically low level of living, in which several generations of a family were forced to share a flat? Was it so before the revolution?

    • “Was it so before the revolution?”

      – What we are seeing to day is the legacy of a deeply patriarchal society that existed before the revolution. The sexual and feminist revolutions in our countries were thwarted and still can’t happen fully and consistently. And until they happen, we will continue seeing this patriarchal mentality where children are their parents’ property.

      This is not just us, this is every patriarchal society under the sun. Think arranged marriages where adult children don’t even consider the possibility of asserting their own choice because they don’t see life in those terms.

  3. I think it’s generational thing. There’s a really interesting blog whose author claims that there are all kinds of weird things that track together with a roughly 30 year cycle of rising or falling crime rates (like raquet sports) .

    bullion cube version: In rising crime times in NAmerica people are more outgoing and look for connections with others, in falling crime times they cocoon and avoid contact. Crime rates in the current cycle peaked around 1990 and we’re in the close to the bottom of the low crime cycle which is why the millenials are so withdrawn and generally insufferable.

    This also ties into a recent post where the defining feature of helicopter parents is that they want to avoid their kids ever changing by having rites of passage (like a job interview by themselves). It seems they treat small children like adults (with predictably bad results) and adult children like small children. In reality they’re relating to kids the same way whether they’re 5 or 25.

    the blog is http://akinokure.blogspot.com/ (warning: while I think the author is probably on to something interesting, he’s also kind of a jerk)

    • “This also ties into a recent post where the defining feature of helicopter parents is that they want to avoid their kids ever changing by having rites of passage (like a job interview by themselves). It seems they treat small children like adults (with predictably bad results) and adult children like small children. In reality they’re relating to kids the same way whether they’re 5 or 25.”

      – That’s exactly where the problem lies. They don’t understand that this is not a toy that will entertain them forever but a human being who grows, changes, and has very different needs at different stages of existence.

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