From a beautiful post (emphasis mine):

Furthermore, in the rush to destigmatize individuals who have been diagnosed with mental illness (i.e. “It’s not your fault, or anybody else’s!”), are we not paying the price of hopelessness? In other words, psychiatry is saying “there is something fundamentally wrong about you and the way you have been wired over which you have no control. Your problems are not sane adaptations to insane circumstances, but rather these symptoms indicate that your brain is broken.” Psychiatry seems to believe that it is better to tell “the mentally ill” that all they can hope for is the ability to manage their mental illness because there is no recovery (even when clinical data do not support such unwarranted pessimism).

This is precisely what I found so comforting in psychoanalysis. Finally, I was told that what I was experiencing was a completely sane way of adapting to insane circumstances and not some uncontrollable organic damage. Just the idea that it is OK to react to abuse trying to protect yourself from is was an enormous relief. There is nothing wrong with people who react against abusive situations.

Another one of the famous games identified by Berne is “If It Weren’t For You.” I will play the part of a clueless first year grad student in these posts and illustrate somebody else’s theory with my own examples. I was never this kind of student but I can be this kind of blogger for a short while.

This game is played by people who assign the responsibility for their actions to others. One example I find very curious is that of women who claim their careers are impeded by their having to do the bulk of household duties. In reality, nobody ever forces them to be the family’s designated cook and maid. If you look closely at their situations, you will see that they fight tooth and nail, manipulate, and struggle to push other family members away from household chores. The goal is to have an excuse to sigh, “Of course I would publish more / start my own business / get promoted / make more money / go to grad school, etc., if only the mean, bad patriarchal system didn’t make me spend all of my time scrubbing the floor.”

Men play this game, too. Their favorite variation on it is “Of course I would publish more / start my own business / get promoted / make more money / go to grad school, etc., if only I didn’t have to provide for you and the kids.”

The deadliest variation of this game is the one that parents play against their children. Children are too dependent to be able to see through the “Oh, what wouldn’t have I achieved if you hadn’t be born and I hadn’t been forced to sacrifice my dreams for your sake” ruse. When they grow up, they will most likely saddle themselves with the exact same kind of guilt-tripping partner to recreate the familiar environment of being blamed for another person’s failures.

The way to deal with these self-sacrificial fakes is by calling their bluff. “I didn’t ask you for these sacrifices and I don’t need them. This was your own choice,” should be the response to their self-aggrandizing drama. Beware, though, in all probability, the fake will not be able to tolerate the realization that all the failures are of his or her own making and will end the relationship in favor of a more willing scapegoat.

The real object of an alcoholic’s desire is not the drink. The happy feelings of intoxication, the lowering of inhibitions, the social ease that come with alcohol are added bonuses but never the main goal. What the alcoholic really craves is the hangover.

The pain and suffering of a hangover fulfill one or all of the following purposes for the alcoholic:

1. The physical pain serves as a punishment for the alcoholic who is profoundly convinced of his or her own badness and desires to be punished on regular occasions;

2. The remorse and the self-castigation the alcoholic experiences take him or her back into the familiar and comforting childhood role of a wayward child being scolded by an adult;

3. The remorse can also be used as a motivating factor the alcoholic employs in lieu of a broken down motivation mechanism;

4. The physical pain and especially the headache drown out the unwelcome thoughts that plague the alcoholic while s/he is sober.

This is why AA works. Alcoholics get to experience public self-flagellation they crave so much without actually needing to  drink. AA gives them one endless hangover without any drink at all. Remember that one of AA’s “steps” consists of the alcoholic making public penance for his or her sins.

Any real cure, of course, has to address the purposes that the hangover serves for the alcoholic.

Some of you have already realized that I’m retelling Eric Berne’s famous book Games People Play. “Alcoholic” is the most famous of games described by Berne but there are many more.