I finally forced myself to tackle Hotmail’s new interface (bleh) and discovered that my dear friend V sent me this hilarious video that is totally about me. Enjoy!

I also sometimes respond to the question of where I did my PhD with, “New Haven. It’s in Connecticut.” I fully confess that it’s my way of being pretentious.

For those who do want to learn:

Every relationship between any human beings begins with a struggle for power. Every single one. We can dislike this fact, yet it is not going away. The balance of power that is established at the beginning is next to impossible to change later on in the relationship.

So when somebody says to you, “yeah, there were a couple of times that were perfect for you to kiss me… but you didn’t”, they are trying to set up a relational model where you are an ignorant little school-child being gently scolded and instructed by a benign, condescending authority.

Letting this happen is an enormous mistake. (Unless you really enjoy being condescended to). Things will only go downhill after you allow one such comment go unchecked. So the only appropriate response that will shift the balance of power and put you in control is: “Oh. . . you wanted me to kiss you? I’m sorry, I just don’t see you that way. You are a nice person but. . . sorry.”

After that, there is a huge probability that the interlocutor will run after you like a lovesick puppy. And you will be able to decide whether you need this person in your life, and will be able to dictate the terms.

And most importantly: even if you are totally, completely, overpoweringly in love, do not allow the person to wrestle all of the control away from you. You will not be getting it back later. At the same time, don’t allow them to give all the control to you. That is a sign they want to exploit you.

If you are looking for an extremely hilarious book to read over the summer, look no further than Max Barry’s novel Lexicon. The funniest things are the ones that are meant in earnest. The intensity of earnestness is directly related to the degree of humor.

Max Barry was trying to create a suspense thriller but ended up writing a hilarious parody of Harlequin romance with a pretense at intellectualism. Without giving up much of the plot, let me tell you the basic structure. In the novel, a pair of men called Eliot and Wil are trying to outwit a woman called Emily. The men and the woman are a collection of gender stereotypes to the extent that you will not find in even the trashiest Harlequin romance.

Emily is a completely brainless creature whose only interest consists in finding “boys” and getting them to notice her. Emily is a jumble of uncontrollable emotions that are like a force of nature. She is completely obsessed with men and subservient to them while being utterly incapable of making a connection with any woman. If you made the mistake of reading 50 Shades of Grey and wondered why the female protagonist was so pathetic, you need to read Lexicon because this novel will make you realize that, compared to Barry’s Emily, Anastasia Steele is a pillar of dignity and feminist empowerment.

Eliot and Wil are just as stereotypical and parodic. They are incapable of expressing any emotion at all and suffer as a result. There is this hilarious scene where they try to out-macho each other about a tire that needs to be changed. Eliot and Wil also compete as to which one of them has fewer human needs and desires. As a result, they both become completely robotic and object-like.

The entire plot of the novel could be resumed as, “If only he managed to squeeze out the words ‘I love you’ on time.”

What makes the novel even more hilarious is its intellectual pretentiousness. The author intersperses the story with childish little disquisitions on the nature of mass media. His insights are of such depth as to bore any intelligent 5-year-old. As an adult, one feels vicarious embarrassment when seeing a writer deliver “insights” that are so superficial.

This is a thoroughly enjoyable read and I highly recommend it. If you don’t try to take the novel seriously, it will offer a lot of fun.

In fact, my life has been a litany of missed and misunderstood romantic looks. There was the New Year’s Eve party in which repeated, prolonged glances from a woman only made me exasperatedly respond “What?!” There was the time I dropped off a coworker at 5AM and, when she cocked her head and asked me if I wanted to come in, I obliviously said “No, it’s late, I’m gonna’ go home and sleep.” I’ve even had a woman analyze my hopelessness at the end of an evening: “yeah, there were a couple of times that were perfect for you to kiss me… but you didn’t.”

It’s as if I were absent the day everyone else got their Romantic Moments 101 Handbook. Once during grad school, we had our last class at the professor’s house. There, over beer and talk of the sublime, I kept glancing at another student, who kept meeting my gaze in return and smiling. When class was done, we said farewell on the street and—while she stood next to her boyfriend, mind you—she looked intensely at me, with an expression you might describe as…. pleading? Apparently I was supposed to do or say something so that we could… what? Meet later so she could cheat on her boyfriend? I have precisely no idea.

OK, just to help a person out amongst all this television-induced confusion: all of these “meaningful looks” are nothing but a fantasy. Women are not ciphers in need of analysis. Women can and do transmit their sexual desires just as well as men can and do. And please, save me the sermon about societal conventions. I have seen a woman from a rabidly conservative, virginity-obsessed family sit for 6 hours outside a man’s apartment in biting cold because she wanted him so much. I’ve seen a fundamentalist Christian woman drop everything and hop on a plane that would take her across the country to spend the night with her ex. I’ve seen a timid housewife dump her husband, drop 60 pounds, transform her entire life, and start hunting a guy with the single-minded determination of a drone.

So if you feel like you need to analyze glances and figure out clues, I have a very simple explanation for you: She’s just not that into you. And when she is, no guessing and wondering will be needed.

I’m taking the time to respond to this rambling and strange post for one simple reason. The post is based on a very serious misconception that many men – even good, normal men – seem to share. The misconception is that women transmit their feelings and desires indirectly and that in order to get laid men need to decipher women’s intentions. And this way of thinking is a road straight to Rapist Land.

The post ends with the following words:

And I guess that’s why Don Draper is the perfect anti-hero. You can tell he’s an awful person, but you’re still jealous of his prowess. He would have known what those looks meant, would have known the next move to make—and he would have done it, too.

I have no idea who this Don Draper is but I have a suggestion for the post’s author. And I’m a real person, by the way, not a cartoon character, so maybe what I say is a little more real.

The next time you wonder about “the next move to make”, stop and maybe let the woman make the move first. Being desired and being shown that you are desired is a very good, pleasant feeling.

Of course, the common excuse that I hear from men who can’t wrap their heads around the idea of relaxing and letting women show desire for them is that “This way I will never get any sex.” This idea is completely wrong and misguided and I sincerely wish these guys got out more and watched less TV. I’m a woman who is not interested in any sex that is not initiated by me. That’s my sexual scenario, that’s who I am. And my greatest problem was finding men who would give me time and space to exhibit my sexual interest. By time and space I don’t mean days. I don’t even mean hours. OK, I barely even mean minutes. I would always see men who would begin to beg and push and cajole and whine for sex immediately. They would even do it when it was obvious that this went completely against their own sexual scenario, that they suffered and hated doing it, and that they were not prepared for any actual sex.

And then there was a sad group of men who were so brain-washed by TV shows and magazines that they would break down almost in tears and ask, “Please, just tell me already what your game is. Why are you saying all these things about me being beautiful and desirable? Just tell me what you want already because this is so confusing that I’m going out of my mind.”

So my suggestion is: men, relax. Breathe in deep. You are absolutely not missing any opportunities by not deciphering something correctly or not begging often enough. To the contrary, when you remember that you deserve to be desired and shown that you are desired clearly and honestly, you open up for yourself many opportunities for honest communication and great sex.

And, by the way, the person who says things like

I’ve even had a woman analyze my hopelessness at the end of an evening: “yeah, there were a couple of times that were perfect for you to kiss me… but you didn’t.”

is a manipulative, passive-aggressive creep. Good for you that you didn’t get involved with this freakazoid because if you had, you’d spend the next few years endlessly bullied into second-guessing your every move. Also, what’s with allowing people to talk to you in such disrespectful ways? That just isn’t right.

The Guardian printed an excerpt from a letter Hawking sent to conference organizers in which he said: “I have received a number of emails from Palestinian academics. They are unanimous that I should respect the boycott. In view of this, I must withdraw from the conference. Had I attended, I would have stated my opinion that the policy of the present Israeli government is likely to lead to disaster.”

I totally wish he would have attended and said what he was planning to say. Somebody who is likely to be heard should be saying this. Israel is moving fast towards disaster and even though I don’t believe that nationalistic / narcissistic rage can be stopped before playing out, at least somebody needs to be trying.

Imagine a crowd of academics getting on a stage one by one at a conference in Israel and saying, “This is a beautiful country, and it is very painful to me to see it moving towards disaster. Please stop.” And each academic could finish with a powerful quote on nationalism, imagined communities, etc.

No, that wouldn’t work either. But it would be powerful activism.