Dirty Jokes: Sharing Time!

Do you like dirty jokes? I love them. So I decided that we should have a semi-open thread where people will share their favorite off-color jokes. I have a very primitive, goofy sense of humor, so the sillier the joke is, the better.

I’m making this post temporarily sticky, so scroll down for new posts.

To begin, here is a joke from my mother. “The moment I heard this joke, I immediately thought of you, sweetie!” she said. I have no idea why she did, of course. ūüôā So here is the joke:

A man and a woman are having sex for the first time. After sex, she immediately gets up and lights a cigarette.

“I realized during sex that I’m not your first man,” the guy says.¬†

“And I realized you are not my last,” the woman responds.

A Weird Job Search

This is a longish story and it didn’t happen to me, but it’s so hilarious that I simply had to share it with my readers. I got the story from here and I received permission from the blog’s owner to repost the story. Just keep reading, for it gets better with every line. So here comes the weirdest, funniest story of a job search I have ever heard:

The phone interview with these guys was very strange. They weren’t interested in talking about anything I had actually done in my career, nor anything I was currently doing. The position was for a systems engineering role, but 100% of the questions they asked me were DBA (data base administration) questions. For instance, they kept asking me to design complex SQL queries. Detailed questions about normalization techniques, etc. I asked if the interview was for a Linux systems role or a DBA role. They said systems, of course, but kept on with the DBA questions. Later, I told the recruiter that I thought they gave me the wrong interview. They told her that they only asked me exactly one database-related question, and that the rest were systems questions. Curious, eh?

Curiouser still… they said they loved me and wanted me in for a face-to-face.

At first I resisted, saying I wasn’t interested, but the recruiter ultimately convinced me to give them a second chance.

So, this past week I went in to see them.

Upon my arrival, they shuffled me into a room with two people waiting. The first person to talk introduced herself as “a database administrator.” I thought it was going to be a repeat of the phone interview.

But she then started asking me some programming questions — python libraries and what not, finally getting to “tell me a really cool one-line hack that you’ve done.”

I responded that my programming style is most influenced by my early work in Ada and embedded systems, which means that I write code in an extremely deliberate (and hence readable) fashion, so I really don’t do one-liner hacks. That got her angry. I mean angry.

Then she started in with the DBA questions. I guess as punishment.

Finally, the other guy in the room spoke up asking me, “so tell me everything you did at your job yesterday.” I said “my day started out with a call to our partners in India, where I am organizing a data center migration. Then, I had another call with some Ugandans, where I am working to set up point-to-point microwave connectivity between two schools and training the local IT staff on virtualization.”

The guy interrupted me after my second sentence with “OK… we’ve heard enough.” With that, both of them got up and walked out of the room.

Weird, I though.

But it got weirder.

Two new people entered the room. These guys started telling me why their company was so wonderful, and why I would be a fool to want to work anywhere else.

I learned that this company was without question, the most wonderful place on Earth. The best place to work in our city. The smartest people in the industry. Best at everything. And, they are all super-best-friends. So much so that a lot of them share apartments together. This sharing, this social awesomeness, is evident in their “face-wall”, they told me.

“What is a ‘face-wall’?” I ask.

That’s when they let me out of the room and showed me.

This “face-wall” is a wall in the office filled with a grid of mug shots of all the employees along with their name and start date.

So imagine your face, with your name printed right below it, with a calendar date below that. It looked like one of those memorial walls you see at the site of some massacre like 9-11 or the Holocaust. Wicked creepy.

What’s worse was that all of the photos were relatively nice, well-behaved shots. No one was doing anything off colour for the camera. No costumes, no loopy expressions. Nothing. Rien. Nada.

I turned to one of the guys and said “so has anyone defaced this?”

“NO!… why would they” he said.

“‘Cause it’d be funny” I responded. “Come on… are you seriously telling me you have never… even once… had the urge to vandalize anything on this wall? Not even adding a little ‘make-up’ here and there?”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT! I wouldn’t even THINK of that.”

“Honest?”

“Honest.”

“Wow!… Really? Not even a virtual kidnapping spree? Ransom notes?”

“A lot of these people are our friends… why would we do that?” … the guy was clearly getting a little offended, so I dialed it back and said how awesome I thought the wall was.

Then they gave me the tour.

Get this. The company didn’t have any desks. That’s right. No desks.

There were basically four or five very large rooms filled with long picnic tables on wheels. Each room had maybe 50 people in it.
I asked why no desks, to which they responded that they want to encourage people to socialize and get to know each other, so when you come to work, you just find a spot on one of the tables, fire up your laptop, and that’s where you work. That’s why they also have the scary “face-wall”, they said.

Now, when I was taking this tour, it was already 6pm, and the office was packed full of people. So my last question was ” as is the case with many start-ups, I imagine you guys work a lot, so how do you manage a work-life balance here?”

“We do an awesome job with that here” one guy said.

“Give me some examples” I asked.

“Well, just this week, my whole department went out after work together to play billiards. Most groups like going out to lunch and dinner together at least one or two times a week.”

I responded with “well, the ‘life’ part of my ‘work-life’ balance usually doesn’t involve work people. I really like hanging out with my family.”
To which I got a “well, everyone here is cool, you’ll make a lot of friends here.”

“I rarely see my own friends because I still like my family better” I said. To which I got some blank stares.

And there we have it…

The recruiter called me after and asked how it went. I said “they were nice enough, but frankly, I already have a religion that works just fine for me. I don’t need a new one.”

I’m American

Which is why I:

Believe that the US politics is the most fascinating politics in the world.

Feel a rush of emotions whenever I read the Constitution of the United States.

Reread the Constitution of the United States often.

Love being a consumer. (If you want to be critical of that, please make sure you know what it feels like to be born in the Soviet Union. If you can’t manage that, then please, forever hold your peace.)

Adore ordering stuff online and watch infomercials for fun. (If you don’t know what an infomercial is, you are definitely not American.)

Have very emotional relationships with different US cities and regions.

Love it that people never call me after 10 pm and never come to visit my house unannounced.

Adore the higher education system in the US, which, in my opinion, is the best in the world.

Agree that the US is “still the best country ever in which to peddle complete public lunacy.” ¬†And believe that it’s ¬†a great thing.

Love it how easy it is to shut up any opposition by saying, “But in my culture. . .”

Enjoy everybody’s curiosity about the customs and traditions of my culture.

Love it how whenever I mention I’m from Ukraine, the response is, “Oh, that’s great. Maybe you will tell me what I’m doing¬†wrong¬†with my borscht.”

Totally dig the American Dream.

Love it how money has nothing to do with one’s social status (just like in my country!).

Am totally in thrall to the fact that the freedom of speech is respected here like nowhere else on this planet. (I’m a blogger, so what do you expect?)

Adore the fact that a random Ukrainian immigrant can start a blog and crowds of people will listen, read, and comment. And nobody has told me they hate me for being an immigrant. (Totally unlike in my country.)

Love it that my university’s officials will jump through hoops to make sure I never felt oppressed, discriminated against, or downtrodden because of my immigrant (or any other kind) status.

Enjoy the fact that I can find Indian, Russian, and Peruvian food within 100 miles of any place I inhabit in this country.

I am absolutely convinced that this is the best country ever to live in for me.