I was asked to blog about friendship, so here goes. I don’t need nearly as much sociability as other people. To me, the people one chats with from time to time are not friends, even though said chatting takes place every day.
Friendship, for me, is exactly the same as love but without the sexual and romantic component. If I call somebody my friend, it means I’m emotionally plugged into that person, irrespective of where they are and how much time we get to spend together, and care about everything that happens to them. I don’t have the time, the energy, the emotional resources, or the need to have this sort of a relationship with many people. I feel the happiest with one male and one female BFF. Until a vacancy goes open, I can’t take on any new BFFs.
At this point in life, I don’t have a female BFF. In adulthood, I’ve had three. (I don’t really count childhood friendships here, as cute as they might have been.) These friendships were intense and beautiful but they all fell apart. The first one disintegrated when the BFF decided to pursue the existence of a kept* woman. After she did that, everybody who made a different choice in life made her very angry. I put up with her aggression for a very long time (people who know me in RL will confirm that I was extremely patient with this person for longer than anybody could understand) but eventually it stopped making any sense at all to me to spend time with a person who seemed to feel nothing but anger towards me.
The second BFF became a housewife and we simply don’t have anything to talk about any longer.
The third BFF let me down at a very difficult time in my life. And then did it again. I let people disappoint me once, but after the second time I lose interest completely and everything that I felt for them is instantly erased. I don’t do this on purpose. It’s a psychological mechanism of self-protection that turns off the feelings I have for somebody who has a tendency to hurt me.
Right now, the position of my female BFF remains vacant. When I traveled to Germany in May, I really envied my sister for her BFF. I would not mind at all finding such a complex, well-read, feminist, strong and opinionated woman to be my BFF. This isn’t something that happens on demand, though. Finding a real friend is only a little easier than finding a good romantic partner.
The reason why I have friends at all is not because I feel lonely without them. There are so many things that need to be done that there is no time for loneliness. Having a friend is good because I enjoy the feelings I have for him or her. The feeling is what I miss now that I don’t have a female BFF.
What I find very annoying is when people confuse friendship with other types of relationships. “My best friend is my husband / sister / mother!” they gush without realizing that this only demonstrates that they have no idea how to be either a friend or a spouse / sibling / parent / child.
These, in short, are my feelings about friendship.
* The difference between a kept woman and a housewife is that the former does not even pretend to give a toss about the man who keeps her.