A Month

I suddenly started shaking and weeping uncontrollably and I had no idea why. Then, about an hour later, I realized that it was exactly one month since I felt him move for the last time. And tomorrow will be one month since I found out. And the day after will be one month since the operation.

It’s going to get better eventually. Just not right now.

14 thoughts on “A Month”

  1. I’m thinking about you and Eric today. I know we said that we’d wait to see if you needed to talk this weekend, but I’m going to call you this afternoon anyway. You can ignore it if you want, but I’m going to call just in case. I’m here. I love you. xo


  2. I’m so sorry. I am glad that writing helps. I also find that writing helps me when I’m troubled. Even if I’m not writing about the thing that troubles me. There is something soothing about getting my fingers on a keyboard, and producing language even if it’s about something banal…..I don’t know if that makes sense…. But I am thinking about you and am glad that you are finding ways to process the trauma.


  3. All of us have our go-to thing that makes us feel better. Indulge it whenever you can. I also get a lot of solace from writing, and also, lately, I’ve been getting a lot of comfort from doing research. It makes me feel like I’m doing something important, and that always adds to my happiness pot. That wasn’t always the case — used to be that research made me so unhappy. But now that I’ve found my groove, I totally enjoy it.

    This is nobody’s business, but I was wondering if you planned to take the rest of the semester off or if you were thinking of going back to work. Even if you’re not at the job, maybe doing research would be something fulfilling that would help you through your grief.


    1. I read this comment after I did exactly what you suggest and started working on a new book. 🙂 Great minds, indeed.

      My physical recovery has been very good, so I have to go back to work on November 4.


      1. Good luck with your new book! 🙂

        I’m glad that your physical recovery is going well. The emotional recovery is hard enough without additional physical complications. Take care, friend. Hugs!


  4. I have been busy with life in general, so haven’t been reading many blogs recently. However, I was so sad to hear of your loss. Nothing gets rid of the feelings, and shouldn’t to a degree, but the pain lessens with time. I know it’s the same old cliché, but it is true. I had this happen twice, having had a lot of trouble getting pregnant in the first place. That didn’t stop me having two children. Someone gave me the advice that you have to go through these moments as if you were riding out a storm, or waiting for a great wave to pass over you, and I think it helped in a weird way. Take care.


  5. Hey Clarissa. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I could say something to help you feel better, but I know it isn’t possible. However, please know that I understand the pain you are experiencing. I hope the stages of grief will deal gently with you.


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