Red Fish, Blue Fish in Pensacola, FL

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I think we have finally found one of those places in Florida where Canadians flock to lose weight. The sun, the beach, a lot of swimming – and absolutely no food. Or at least there is nothing that anybody who is not a hard-core American identifies as food.

Today we visited a “restaurant” called Red Fish, Blue Fish. If you ever come across this den of iniquity, folks, please stay away. It is a scary, scary place that does horrible things to both food and customers.

For some confusing reason, this place is ultra-popular. We had to wait for an hour to be seated. This, of course, made us think RFBF had to be a very good place.

“I hope this doesn’t turn out to be a McDonald’s kind of place,” N joked. And to be honest, I’d much rather have gone to McDonald’s. It serves garbage, too, but at least its garbage is cheap and doesn’t pretend to be anything it isn’t.

Everything at this place is made of
plastic: forks, knives, wine glasses, and food. The “restaurant” is big and serves a crowd every night, even now during the off-season. The damage they do to the environment is scary to contemplate.

I was served a piece of the driest mahi mahi I have ever encountered in my life. I had never considered mahi mahi to be indigenous to the Gulf Coast but the way it was cooked at Red Fish Blue Fish is an indignity that no formerly living creature should ever experience. The sad ancient fish fillet was lying on something called “Asian slaw.” In case you are wondering what that is, carelessly shredded lettuce leaves and pieces of carrot with a drop of balsamic vinaigrette are what passes for Asian in Pensacola.

N was given a seafood platter that consisted of a scary looking mountain of very salty and overfried batter. After digging through the batter for a while, we discovered that it concealed extremely dry and tortured bits of seafood. One has to be a real enemy of humanity to deep fry oysters in batter.

There were also fries of which I managed to eat exactly one in the entire night. It was so chewy that chewing gum companies should ask this restaurant for the recipe of the chewiest thing in the world.

And if you think this was a cheap restaurant, think again. The prices are definitely not in the fast food bracket.

Yesterday we saw fishers catching really amazing fish right in front of us. I have no idea how the inhabitants of this town manage to serve such incredible garbage while sitting among such a plethora of fantastic seafood.

The mystery of how such a horrible restaurant manages to attract a huge crowd will haunt me forever.