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Clarissa's Blog

An academic's opinions on feminism, politics, literature, philosophy, teaching, academia, and a lot more.

Archive for the day “September 5, 2017”

Neighborhood Coyote

God, folks, I just saw a coyote. Right by my nextdoor neighbors’ house. It looked exactly like this:

And it just stared at me. I knew I heard weird howling at night and saw suspicious paw prints in the snow in winter but I didn’t expect to see one in the middle of the day. It was entirely unafraid of me. At first, I thought it was a fox, although it was bigger and had a different maw from the foxes I’d seen before. But I googled it, and it’s a coyote all right. 

I’m now afraid to go outside.

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Dumb

What was really dumb was that immediately after the doctors told me, “There’s no heartbeat, we are sorry, there’s nothing we can do”, they just left the room. And I was there alone for a very long time. So long that I eventually had to go look for them. They were nowhere to be found, so I had to ask the receptionist. She was not aware of what was happening and asked me cheerfully and very loudly, “So? Are you excited to meet your baby next week?”

It was dumb because the first thing I did after they left the room was run to the window. I don’t know why, it was completely unthinking. I could have jumped. Another person would have. 

I understand that they are a regular practice and they aren’t used to these cases but still, it’s a medical practice. Shit happens. They surely get miscarriages, birth defects, hormonal dysfunctions that lead to depression. 

The practice I was with when I expected Klara specialized in this kind of cases. They didn’t take anybody but women like me, so they at least knew how to react. Once when I was there for an appointment, it did happen. A woman came in who was in the last weeks of pregnancy, and they had to tell her the baby was not alive. The doctor stayed with her for one hour forty minutes. And then another hour with me because I was obviously not reacting very well to what was happening either. 

This is why I keep saying that all doctors need to take at least one course in basic psychology because they need to remember that they work with people and not malfunctioning machines. 

I never told this part to anybody before. 

Who You Are

You never know who you really are until something very very shitty happens. And then it’s like, “Oh, so this is who I am. Huh.” It’s all in there already but we don’t get a chance to find out in normal circumstances.

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