Mixed Signals

I had the brilliant idea to use coffee-infused hand cream before bedtime, and now every time I bring my hands anywhere near my face, my brain interprets the smell of coffee as “Morning!!!” and jolts wide awake.

I’m already very confused by jet lag, so this isn’t helping. By the way, do you know what’s great? Starbucks’ cold nitro brew. I’m really into it. And now I really feel like some because of the stupid hand cream.

I’m leaving for the fourth trip of the summer in a few days. I’ll need a lot of coffee to do everything I need to do in-between.

8 thoughts on “Mixed Signals”

  1. Hey, lady, you got no right to complain about the worldwide opioid crisis while you’re being seduced so willingly into the international crime syndicate’s new “coffee-infused bedtime hand cream.”

    Are you really so ignorant of its effects that you haven’t yet learned that when you wake up after its first use, you’ll feel twice as tired when you arouse — and will need twice the dosage, at three times the price, to even stay awake?? Next wake-up: four times the dosage to even open your yes, at ten times the original cost. And do you seriously think Starbucks cold nitro brew isn’t in on the deal? You can be assured that your local Starbucks source will raise its price, every time you need another nitro brew catalyst fix to activate the hand cream components.

    Fortunately for you, I’m about to write a horror story/ exposé on this nefarious plot, and –assuming that I survive long enough to bring the truth to the international press., will donate a portion of my profits to a trust fund to help hopeless addicts like you.


        1. The best humor always induces a horrified laugh. :/
          But really, to induce full caffeination addiction, you must add caffeine to your 25 step K-beauty routine before paint by numbering on 15 separate pieces of makeup to be Instagram ready to pick up your nitro brew at Starbucks’ drive-thru window. That is, if you don’t already work there.


          1. If you’re a man you just pound Red Bulls and protein shakes in quick succession. And steal your girlfriend’s caffeinated K-beauty products because you’re just trying to be swole while never sleeping.


  2. I have found melatonin gummies (we use Zarbees) help me adjust when I have jetlag. I take a few before bed for about 2 or 3 nights when I go to/from Europe (taking it for more than a week or so is not recommended). I never used to have so much trouble with the jetlag, but it seems to be getting worse the older I get!


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