What Happened

She sat alone at home, brooding about the injustice of her illness, that’s what happened. Physically, she wasn’t doing bad. I mean, she had terminal cancer, so it obviously wasn’t great. But they found medication that was working, the tumors were shrinking. They weren’t going to disappear, but it wasn’t a bad moment in terms of her physical state.

Emotionally, though, she was a wreck. I spent a day with her when I was in Canada over the summer, and I almost got suicidal. Because you can’t be around this kind of a depression without professional training. I have absolutely no idea what could have been done to help her.

In the end, it was the morphine. Yes, you could say she would have died anyway. But it didn’t have to be so soon.

4 thoughts on “What Happened”

  1. “I have absolutely no idea what could have been done to help her”

    If you believe, as I do, that an extremely negative internal monologue (for lack of a better term*) can have detrimental physical manifestations (see what I wrote about the end of shakesville) then a new kind of…. language therapist would be helpful. I’m thinking of someone who can help a person manage and modify their internal monologue and get it running in healthier directions.
    It’s so sad that your friend was living with negative thoughts day in and day out, that has to be as bad as the disease itself…

    “you can’t be around this kind of a depression without professional training”

    very true, but I have the idea that most professional training is about protecting the professional (which is also necessary) and not helping the patient, and of course the patient as to want to be helped like any non-physical therapy…

    *I’ve also heard as ‘tapes playing in your head’ which is very dated technologically but if you have experience with tape players is pretty accurate

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    1. Yes, exactly, it’s like her mind was going on a loop for 4 years. When I saw her, I feel like I did manage to disrupt the loop for a while but it was very destructive to me.

      She always tended to be obsessive, attaching to an idea and not letting it go. And it tended to be a destructive idea.

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    2. On the day I came over, she said it had been 3 weeks that she hadn’t been out of the house. I finally got her out of the house, and I could see it helped. But somebody needed to do that every day.

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  2. This is so sad, I’m so sorry. And that’s interesting, professional training is about protecting the professional and not training them to do the job … a bit scary, actually, but it would explain a lot

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