The TP Mystery

On Russian-language FB, people are befuddled.

“Why toilet paper???” they ask. “Why are Americans buying off all the toilet paper? This must be something cultural. Or maybe they have a secret method of fighting the virus that involves toilet paper? The bastards! Give it to them not to share it with the world!”

This goes on for days.

Finally, one woman clocks on to the real reason.

“Guys!!!” she writes. “I think I figured it out! Americans are buying so much toilet paper because they really, honestly don’t know what to do when there is a shortage of toilet paper!”

“Wow,” everybody says. “That’s so bizarre. Surely, that can’t be true.”

But confirmations kept coming in until finally one kind soul created a helpful aid for Americans. I now share it with you.

Many Russians do not understand: “Why toilet paper???” I also did not understand, even tried to google it. Then my western colleague said: “Imagine, you are in a toilet, but there is no paper!” I gave him a blank look. Then slowly a realisation began to appear in my head. Some westerners really do not know what to do in this situation. Apparently there are very few westerners left who had experienced total absence of toilet paper in their life. I am not a westerner, so I have experienced it a lot. Here is a list of good substitutes: napkins, paper towels, face tissue, wet napkins (all are obvious), newspaper (God created them for toilets, not for reading), just make sure you toss and jam them to soften, cheap pulp fiction (Devil created them for toilets, not for reading), a bottle of water with soap and a towel, shower, washcloth that can be washed after and (my favorite:)) coffee filters! Not so good, but also works: tree or grass leaves, especially with velvety surface.

With regards to food: since virus does not mean power and gas outages (yet), so any prolonged storage food works in quarantine: potato, carrots, beets, onions, apples, frozen protein of any kind, frozen milk (yes!!!), raw eggs in shells (for Russians: in US you can buy eggs boiled and peeled, also raw eggs or just whites or yolks in a container, like milk), frozen bread (yes!!! bake in a closed casserole to unfreeze), frozen fruits and vegetables.

I’m glad it’s been explained because I couldn’t figure it out either.

Another Tucker Save

Oh, that explains it:

The New York Times reports that the Fox News host has been pleading with Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic more seriously.

“Last Saturday, Mr. Carlson drove from his residence in Florida to Mar-a-Lago, the president’s Florida resort, and spoke directly with Mr. Trump about the virus, according to a person with knowledge of their conversation,” reports the Times.

Axios also reports that Carlson was one of “a number of informal Trump advisers” who “emphasized to the president that this was not the flu and urged him to act fast.” Carlson previously warned Trump not to go to war with Iran.

Wouldn’t it be easier just to elect Tucker already? Seriously.


Fact check: President Trump made yet another false claim to minimize the severity of the coronavirus crisis, claiming Sunday that the virus is under “control.”

Experts say the US does not have the virus even close to contained.

Yes, he should have totally said instead, “the virus is completely out of control! We are all going to die!!! Ahhhh! Mommy, I’m scaaaaared!”

That would have been great leadership.


I take coronavirus very seriously. It’s a Republican talking point to say that I don’t. I take it so seriously that today I’m going to 5-6 restaurants, a few bars, a large sporting event, and anywhere else there’s a crowd. Then I’ll visit a couple nursing homes and hug every resident. But yeah, I’m so against people acting irresponsibly and spreading coronavirus.

That was yesterday’s debate in a nutshell. “I’m completely opposed to open borders and I won’t deport anybody (including rapists, narcos, gangsters, etc) in the first 100 days to show how completely opposed to open borders I am. And free healthcare for all!” They are laughing at us and we are lapping it up.