Bring Back the Ass

OK, I went on Facebook, and it’s worse. There’s no ass but grown-up people with PhDs are sharing some sappy poem about how the unvaccinated took up all ventilators and a bunch of veterans died as a result.

I’d rather have the ass back. Please bring back the ass.

Inescapable Ass

I decided to rest from a very full day and went on Twitter. Unfortunately, Twitter today is full of AOC’s ass. I’m sure it’s a very nice ass but why can’t this kind of stuff stay on OnlyFans?

People are reposting it so aggressively, I’ve got half a mind to inform them of the existence of pornography.

Stepping Out of the Circle

A husband comes home early and discovers his wife in bed, having sex with a huge, bulky guy. The guy drags the husband to the kitchen, draws a circle around him on the floor, and says, “I forbid you to step out of the circle.” Then he returns to the bedroom, finishes his business, and leaves.

The wife goes to the kitchen and finds the husband giggling happily. “While the two of you were fucking, I stepped out of the circle 3 times!” the husband announces triumphantly.

Totally reminds me of the people in Australia and other places who are excited about being let out of the house for 15 minutes or to get a half-hour shopping privilege. Or a guy who gushed on Twitter about the fantastic quality of pillows in a detention facility.

Joke or Not?

At the entrance to the campus parking lot, there’s a large sign saying “THIS WAY to a world without Alzheimer’s” and an arrow pointing towards campus. I’m wondering if it’s a rude joke about how everybody on campus is too young to have Alzheimer’s or a promotional poster created by people who are completely devoid of a sense of humor.

Translating for Children

An interesting exercise to conduct is this: To small children, everything you say means either “I love you” or “I don’t love you.” Try translating everything you say to a child during the day to this language. It’s very eye-opening.

“Did you wash your hands? They look dirty.” – I don’t love you.

“Why do you always drop your backpack by the door so it’s in everybody’s way?” – I don’t love you. And you are in my way.

“Are you done?” – I don’t love you. And you are a drain on my time.

“You grew out of these shoes already?” – I don’t love you. And you are a drain on my money.

This is an evolutionary survival mechanism for children. They completely depend on an adult’s goodwill for survival, so they try to gauge the probability of you taking care of them and not abandoning them to wild animals. You know that you love them no matter what but they don’t.

Another thing to remember is this: you can never give a child enough love and attention. They are little bottomless pits. That’s because they are trying to extract enough love from you to last them for the rest of their lives. So don’t beat yourself up if your kid looks starved for attention. It’s not about you. It’s a long-term strategy.

Writing about History

A little quote from Michael Burleigh’s book Third Reich:

Also, Burleigh tells of the brief existence of the Bavarian Soviet Republic. It started experiencing milk shortages immediately, and the progressive authorities needed to come up with a narrative to justify it. “The only people who drink milk are bourgeois children!” they proclaimed. “And if they die, that’s a good thing. They will only grow up to oppress the working classes, so what’s the problem with them dying off now?”

I love Burleigh’s writing style, and I’m thinking I might have to switch to the English original because the Spanish translation doesn’t do him justice.

Morning Woes

Have you noticed how kids are particularly obnoxious in the morning? Dragging their feet, making faces, doing everything at 1/10 of their regular speed?

“What? You haven’t brushed teeth yet? What have you been doing these 15 minutes???”

“I dunno.”

“Where is your backpack?”

“I dunno.”

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“I dunno.”

It’s almost like they are doing it on purpose.

Because they are.

Kids are like cars. If there’s no fuel, they won’t run. Their fuel is love. During the night, you weren’t giving them any love because you were asleep. In the morning, their tank is empty, and they are trying to squeeze attention (which for them is love) out of you.

Klara is not an early riser at all, and having to get up at 7 for kindergarten puts her in a vile mood by itself. Plus, like all small kids, she needs the love fuel. So to wake her up, I come into her room and start buzzing gently in a loving way about how wonderful, beautiful, amazing, and precious she is. That gets her up and puts her in a great mood in no time.

Never say, “come on, hurry, we are in a rush, I have to get to work.” To a child, these words mean “I don’t love you, you aren’t important, you don’t matter to me.” So they start dragging their feet to prove they do matter.

A much more productive thing to say is, “it’s ok, take your time, there’s no rush.” I swear, this gets them to move a lot faster. I get my very late sleeper kid out of the house in 20 minutes, and that includes choosing an outfit, doing her hair, and breakfast.

Obviously, I’m talking about small children. With teenagers what works is that you have to be completely calm, cool, collected, and not chaotic inside. Teenagers are so chaotic inside that they react angrily and aggressively to you own inner chaos. And this is true for any type of engagement, not only the morning routine. Think wild animals. If you encounter a wild animal, the advice is to stay completely still, don’t confront them, don’t make any sudden movements, don’t stare them down. I’ve never tried this on actual wild animals, thank goodness, but with teenagers, complete internal stillness is the ticket.