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Am I Wrong?

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Clarissa

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My friends, I want to access your collective store of cultural competence as Americans. As you know, my daughter goes to a private school. This means we pay for her schooling. Today I received the following email from the school. I perceive it as outrageous and insulting, but I’m open to accepting that I’m wrong if people tell me that this is culturally appropriate. Here is the relevant portion of the email:

For the ’26-’27 school year we are requiring 10 hours of volunteering/service hours for each family.
a) Engage with staff, administration and PTL to learn about potential volunteering/service opportunities.
b) Hours will be entered and tracked in FACTS
c) Outstanding hours remaining at year end are subject to a fee of $25 per hour.
d) Log into FACTS, go to ‘Family Home’ and you’ll see in the middle ‘Service Hours’. Click ‘Add’ and you’ll be able to enter your hours. Be sure to mention what activity you served/volunteered for in the ‘Description’ section and who at [our school] can vouch for your service/volunteering in the verified by section. Then click Save.

Am I the asshole for thinking this is nuts and probably illegal?

Also, is it okay for people to whom I pay money for a completely optional service to address me in this tone? All of this has deeply Soviet vibes to me.

39 responses to “Am I Wrong?”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    It is ridiculous but this is normal for private schools. My son’s school does this too.

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. Avatar
    Anonymous

    it’s completely standard for private schools to ask parents for some degree of participation. But you should have been made aware of this before paying for her schooling, not after.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      I don’t mind asking, but that’s not what’s happening here. This is a requirement that entails offering proof and suffering a serious punishment. Plus, the message is delivered in an extremely rude and condescending way.

      What happened to “the customer is always right”?

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      1. cliff arroyo Avatar
        cliff arroyo

        ” the message is delivered in an extremely rude and condescending way”

        What kind of phrasing would you find acceptable?

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      2. bluebird of bitterness Avatar
        bluebird of bitterness

        I agree that it could have been worded more tactfully.

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  3. Avatar
    Anonymous

    I don’t know if this requirement is illegal, since it’s a private school that nobody is compelled to send their child to — but it’s definitely an added cost above whatever the parents’ current written contract with the school already charges.

    You might consider threatening to sue the school for attempting to breach that contract, and see how the school responds.

    Dreidel

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  4. methylethyl Avatar
    methylethyl

    The best private school in my hometown (I know parents who’ve sent their kids there) runs this way. It’s part of maintaining the quality of the school: a flake filter. I know, I know, it’s a service that you paid for. Forget that for a minute. Every school, public or private, quality of the school environment depends on the quality and level of commitment of the students’ parents. There are plenty of rich parents who view paying tuition (or frankly, property taxes) as, basically, offloading all the parenting onto paid servants. The more such parents you have at a private school, the more behavior problems you have to deal with, the more entitled whingeing you get from “I’m paying you, that means I own you” types.

    This is how even the ‘nice’ private schools in Peru worked, when I still knew people who worked in them. Sure, everyone was paying tuition. But that meant that if you gave that kid a bad grade for poor work, parents thought (rightly) that they had leverage over you: give my kid a good grade or else. Doesn’t matter if the kid learned anything. If they didn’t: you’re a bad teacher.

    My friends’ kids’ school requires 20 parent hours per year. That’s why it’s the best school: that 20 hours acts as a flake filter, skimming off a hefty portion of the worst parents.

    If you are happy with the school, put in the hours, even if it’s cleaning gum off the bottoms of the picnic tables or repainting parking posts. Yes, they could hire someone else to do it for cheap. But that wouldn’t serve the purpose.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. methylethyl Avatar
      methylethyl

      -the only problem I see here is that they have a “pay to get out of service” option: there are definitely parents who will abuse that.

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      1. Clarissa Avatar
        Clarissa

        Not at this school. These are overwhelmingly modest families.

        My kid’s beat friend is one of 8 children in a family where both parents work. I think it’s ridiculous to force people who barely have time to breathe to do this. Some people have infants. What are they supposed to do?

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    2. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      This ends up punishing people with jobs. Who can hang out at the school, doing this sort of thing during working hours? Taking time off work means that you lose money no matter what.

      I don’t ask much from the school. In reality, I ask for so little that it’s almost comical. I want to be left alone and not bothered. I don’t care about their “academic standards.” I don’t care that their teacher of Spanish speaks Spanish at the same level that I speak Japanese, which is not at all. I accept that I will have to re-teach everything that they are supposed to be teaching. It’s fine. I don’t complain. The only point of that school in my life is that I can be left to work in peace. Sadly, the school dramatically overestimates its importance, as schools tend to do.

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      1. cliff arroyo Avatar
        cliff arroyo

        “I will have to re-teach everything that they are supposed to be teaching”

        “the school dramatically overestimates its importance” 

        If you really despise the school that much, maybe you should home school and supplement with tutors or a nanny when you want to work.

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        1. methylethyl Avatar
          methylethyl

          I begin to be afraid that Clarissa is the sort of parent they are trying to filter out…

          Liked by 1 person

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          1. Avatar
            Anonymous

            Why though? Nothing indicates that Clarissa is a flake parent or that her child has behaviour problems.

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            1. methylethyl Avatar
              methylethyl

              She’s not onboard with the whole school agenda. The school thinks it’s educating children. Clarissa thinks it’s a civilized daycare. That’s a pretty fundamental incompatibility.

              I’m on Clarissa’s side of that one, but… I homeschool my kids 😉

              Liked by 1 person

              Reply
              1. Clarissa Avatar
                Clarissa

                Exactly! It’s a glorified daycare, like every school. And it’s great. That’s an important service. I gladly pay for the important service. But I have seen no traces of any education that they impart. I’ve been teaching college students for almost two decades. In them, I have similarly seen zero traces of anything that anybody could reasonably call an education.

                Liked by 1 person

              2. methylethyl Avatar
                methylethyl

                Agreed this is very irritating. Probably you should write a very polite letter expressing dismay that these terms were not published before registration. They need to know that’s not OK.

                But… on some level you may just have to accept that your view of what the school is for will never line up with what the school’s view is, and while you’re probably not really the type of parent the flake filter is aimed at because you’re weird and anything aimed at averages is going to get hung up on you, an outlier… that flake filter is very effective in the aggregate, and if you want to continue using the service, you’ll have to work with it.

                Liked by 1 person

            2. Clarissa Avatar
              Clarissa

              If they had gotten in touch in a normal, polite way and asked for help, I would have been happy to volunteer, which I have done on numerous occasions over the years. But to do it in this rude way, like I owe them something, completely rewrites the entire relationship between the school and the parents for absolutely no reason.

              It’s a fight for power, exactly like the one I described in the preceding post about the third world. It’s about showing people their place. It’s about asserting dominance by using the dirty trick of announcing this two days before the school year begins, when it’s impossible for parents to make other arrangements. We’ve been with the school for five years. Nothing like this ever happened. I’m very interested in who is the new hire who concocted the scheme.

              Liked by 1 person

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          2. cliff arroyo Avatar
            cliff arroyo

            ” Clarissa is the sort of parent they are trying to filter out…”

            Or as they might say in the exotic mid-west…. she and school are not a good fit…

            To be fair, to anyone with an Iron Curtain background, the letter could trigger memories of “volunteer” work that was anything but. I remember when Cuba was broadcasting the English version of Radio Moscow on AM radio which could be picked up through most of Florida. Often before some (soviet) holiday they would announce something like “practically the entire population has expressed the wish to donate a day’s labor to the state…”

            I remember when public schools expected parental volunteers for various occasions and remember my mom taking part (not as much as some since she worked which wasn’t as usual then but more than some others since her schedule was fairly flexible).

            Liked by 1 person

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        2. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          I’m simply being realistic. I’m describing reality as I see it. The school is providing the socialization factor that I cannot provide. I’m not expecting anything more.

          Seriously, my friends, last year my kid’s teacher announced that women never worked until very recently because they weren’t allowed. Do we seriously expect me to be in awe of this kind of teaching?

          Liked by 1 person

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          1. methylethyl Avatar
            methylethyl

            “Do we seriously expect”

            No.

            But if you want the benefit of the social sorting mechanism that ensures the other students are people you want your kid spending lots of time with… you may just have to roll with it.

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            1. Clarissa Avatar
              Clarissa

              I appreciate your explanation that this is a social sorting mechanism. I didn’t see that angle, but now I feel a lot more reconciled with the whole thing than before this explanation. Thank you! I’m sincerely grateful.

              I never see the social aspect of anything without a lot of prodding. My calendar is littered with reminders like “Text Anna to wish her good luck before the department meeting on Thursday” and “Call Lina to ask how she feels about Jack leaving for college next week.” These things are unnatural to me, and I have to make an effort to remember them.

              Liked by 1 person

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    3. cliff arroyo Avatar
      cliff arroyo

      “if you gave that kid a bad grade for poor work, parents thought (rightly) that they had leverage over you”

      Years ago I knew someone who taught (briefly) at a very expensive private school here and it was not only the parents who acted like entitled assholes, the students were completely insufferable and liked to taunt the teachers that they couldn’t be punished. Overall it was a worse behaved bunch (on average) than the poorest kids in public schools.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Clarissa Avatar
        Clarissa

        I don’t care about grades and wouldn’t waste time on any debates, but my cat, who reads as she breathes and has the vocabulary of an Ivy League college student, got a B for reading in fourth grade. No amount of volunteering is going to make me find this not ridiculous.

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        1. cliff arroyo Avatar
          cliff arroyo

          “my cat … got a B for reading in fourth grade”

          Well…. that’s still pretty good for a cat. Maybe the selections weren’t to her liking? Did they at least include Of Mice and Men?

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          1. Clarissa Avatar
            Clarissa

            😆😆😆 Poor cat.

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  5. bluebird of bitterness Avatar
    bluebird of bitterness

    The Christian school my eldest daughter went to required parents to put in a certain number of unpaid hours (I say “unpaid” rather than “volunteer” because a thing can’t be both required and voluntary). We knew about it before we signed her up and we didn’t mind; it was how they kept tuition affordable even for parents with low incomes. But if I’d enrolled her in the school and then been told I had to put in X number of unpaid hours, then yes, I’d be ticked off.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      This was sprung on us two days before the start of the school year. Nobody mentioned it before. It’s a new thing. Maybe they announced it at the Back to School event last week but it was parents only, so many people couldn’t go.

      I’ve gladly done several school events. But they completely killed my eagerness to do anything with this snotty announcement.

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. bluebird of bitterness Avatar
        bluebird of bitterness

        You were perfectly justified in objecting. It sounds like a bait and switch.

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  6. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Many schools do this but make it clear at registration that it is expected, they don’t spring it on families after the fact. That would piss me off.
    Some schools expect you to fundraise a particular amount of money to defray costs.

    I think it’s gross to allow families to pay their way out of it.

    re people working, they probably have opportunities like “help out at a weekend event” for people who work. Two weekend events would achieve the 10 hours.
    – Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      But what do you do with the children on weekends? They are not in school, meaning that parents are with them. I’m either at work or with my child. There’s no other state in which I exist. 😆😆

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      1. el Avatar
        el

        \\ But what do you do with the children on weekends?

        Take them with you. If a parent presents it in a certain way, it could even be a beneficial experience for a child, or at least not a bad one.

        Klara could help too, or bring a book and read for a while.

        Wait, if you take N with you, wouldn’t you finish it during one weekend, 5 hours from each parent?

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        1. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          Now imagine the families with 4, 5 and 8 children. These are Klara’s best friends.

          But it’s not even the point. These are all details. The important part is that I’m paying for a service. Why do I owe anything to these people on top of that? Why do they think they’re entitled to punish me for something they arbitrarily decided I have to provide them?

          I understand from the responses that this is something that is culturally acceptable. I don’t get it, but if people say that this is how it’s done, then that’s okay. I only hope that the waitress at the restaurant tomorrow doesn’t inform me that I have to come wash the toilet at her house, or she’ll charge me extra for my meal.

          Liked by 1 person

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      2. el Avatar
        el

        \\ But what do you do with the children on weekends?

        Wait, if one is not a single parent, another parent could stay with a child.

        Or, you go for 1 weekend, N goes for another, and Klara stays at home with the remaining parent.

        The way you described Klara, it could be more interesting for her to join (both parents) rather than stay home (and spend only 1 weekend on this).

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  7. el Avatar
    el

    \\ Engage with staff, administration and PTL to learn about potential volunteering/service opportunities.

    Nobody says it will be during weekend.

    I immediately start thinking about university vacations, when you’re free to come, and American holidays.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      Everybody is closed on federal holidays. Why would the school be open when the university is closed?

      These volunteer opportunities are invariably during the school day, which raises the question: if I were free during the school day, why would I need the school?

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      1. bluebird of bitterness Avatar
        bluebird of bitterness

        At my daughter’s school, there were plenty of opportunities for parents to fulfill their obligation outside of school hours, without needing child care. My specialty was sewing costumes for school plays, which I could do at home without needing a babysitter. And this was forty years ago, when most kids still had two parents in the home, and in most cases one parent did not work outside the home. I’m a little surprised that your daughter’s school seems so ignorant of current realities.

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  8. Avatar
    Anonymous

    In Spain this would be illegal. As a kid, my parents had zero hours to volunteer. We didn’t have days to dress up of this thing or the other (I totally do not get any of the American school culture). They just had to show up once a year for kid theater or similar at Christmas time. After that, nothing until high school graduation. Both worked. They were mega involved parents on their side of the equation, but not on school’s side.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      Besides, this is a very small school. They have a very limited number of events throughout the year. The idea that every family will be able to find ten hours a year for volunteering is bizarre. There are simply not enough things that are done.

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  9. Avatar
    Anonymous

    In such a situation (at least in the one such school I know) many families ignore the requirement and pay the fee. One can think of it as an increase in the price of the school by $250 per year. Of course any increase is annoying, but this must be less than 5% percent of the total price (even less for families with multiple children there).

    -P

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