Clarissa's Blog

I was asked whether there are things that I published before my conservative turn that I now regret. This is an excellent question.

There are things I published even at the very start of my academic career that I stand by completely today. There are also things on which I changed my mind and would not have written today. I think that this is good. It’s a sign that I am growing as a scholar and an intellectual. I have no ego investment in maintaining a mythology of my infallibility. My ego investment goes in the opposite direction. I’m proud of being able to see and openly recognize my mistakes.

For instance, there are already two big things that the new department chair has done enormously better than I did it during my two terms. I feel no desire to defend my way of doing them because I can see that it was clearly inferior to hers. This has given me an opportunity to learn something new and ponder why I made these mistakes. The reason is the usual: I was hubristically attached to the idea of being strong, magnanimous, and not needing anybody’s help. I routinely fall into the trap of not asking for help, and the reason is always hubris. In the distant future, when I become department chair again, I will not repeat the same mistakes.

Similarly, as a scholar, I recognize that some of my publications were based on weak, formulaic readings. I still have to make an effort not to fall into the familiar lefty cliches when I write. But that’s ok. The process is the goal. I’m certain that some of the things I write today will look superficial and weak to me in 10 years. If that doesn’t happen, that will be disappointing because it will mean that I wasted a decade of my life and did not develop intellectually.

So no, I don’t have regrets because this is like regretting that one didn’t spring out of one’s mother’s womb perfectly formed and complete. I can read some of the things that I have published and say, “Well, that was dumb,” and not feel ashamed or tortured because of it. Even for me, claiming to have perfect infallibility would be way too much hubris.