Mind you, in no way am I suggesting that there is anything wrong with being single. Singlehood rocks. I had so much fun during mine that I’ll never dump on this wonderful way of being. The post is aimed not at the happy singles but at those who don’t want to be single any more and have no idea why things are not working out the way they want.
How to Remain Alone Forever: A Set of Instructions
1. Convince yourself that “relationships are hard” and repeat this bit of wisdom accompanied by a heavy sigh at every opportunity.
2. Decide that in order to be romantically successful, you need to figure out what “men” and “women” are like. Watch TV shows and movies, read books and articles that will explore the list of glaring differences between genders. Remember, there is no hope of encountering a partner unless you know perfectly well what all men / women are like.
3. Whenever a relationship fails, remember that this couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with you. The problem lies always and only in the low quality of your partners.
4. Remember that all the good ones must already be taken. To support this conclusion, keep getting involved with the bad ones.
5. Be on a constant lookout for people who want to use you. Especially those who want to “just use you for sex.”
6. See every relationship that ended as a waste of time. Keep saying things like, “I wasted years of my life on her /him, and all for what?” Resolve never to waste any more of your life on relationships that might end 20 years later.
7. Ask everybody you meet a multitude of questions that will gauge the degree of their readiness for a serious relationship. Remember, if they are not ready to get engaged six months after the first date, they never will be.
8. Only engage in sex after you have received firm guarantees that the relationship will go somewhere.
9. If people you meet disappear right after you have sex with them for the first time, convince yourself that this has nothing to do with your value as a sex partner and everything to do with the general meanness and shallowness of human beings.
10. Remember that the search for a partner should become the central activity of your existence. From now on, you will have no time for your friends, relatives or hobbies until the goal of finding a boyfriend/girlfriend is achieved.
11. After you find a boyfriend/girlfriend, make sure you don’t waste any time on activities that don’t contribute to the success of the relationship. Your partner should only be exposed to your married / partnered friends. Make sure your partner never sees your single friends. For one, they are all desperate to have somebody in their lives, and they might try to take your partner away. At the same time, you don’t want the sight of all these single folks to reawaken your partner’s longing for the times of her or his singlehood.
12. Make sure your partner doesn’t see any of his or her single friends either. That would be so unfair after you have sacrificed all of your single buddies for the sake of the relationship.
13. People in relationships spend all their time together and know everything about each other. If your partner doesn’t like you going through his or her pockets or won’t share passwords to email accounts, this means s/he has something to hide. Make sure you leave no stone unturned in an effort to find out what that something is.
14. After you get dumped, repeat the entire process all over again.
15. And most importantly: as you keep self-sabotaging this way, never ask yourself whether you really need a relationship or are only doing what you think you are expected to do.