How to Remain Alone Forever

Mind you, in no way am I suggesting that there is anything wrong with being single. Singlehood rocks. I had so much fun during mine that I’ll never dump on this wonderful way of being. The post is aimed not at the happy singles but at those who don’t want to be single any more and have no idea why things are not working out the way they want.

How to Remain Alone Forever: A Set of Instructions

1. Convince yourself that “relationships are hard” and repeat this bit of wisdom accompanied by a heavy sigh at every opportunity.

2. Decide that in order to be romantically successful, you need to figure out what “men” and “women” are like. Watch TV shows and movies, read books and articles that will explore the list of glaring differences between genders. Remember, there is no hope of encountering a partner unless you know perfectly well what all men / women are like.

3. Whenever a relationship fails, remember that this couldn’t have possibly had anything to do with you. The problem lies always and only in the low quality of your partners.

4. Remember that all the good ones must already be taken. To support this conclusion, keep getting involved with the bad ones.

5. Be on a constant lookout for people who want to use you. Especially those who want to “just use you for sex.”

6. See every relationship that ended as a waste of time. Keep saying things like, “I wasted years of my life on her /him, and all for what?” Resolve never to waste any more of your life on relationships that might end 20 years later.

7. Ask everybody you meet a multitude of questions that will gauge the degree of their readiness for a serious relationship. Remember, if they are not ready to get engaged six months after the first date, they never will be.

8. Only engage in sex after you have received firm guarantees that the relationship will go somewhere.

9. If people you meet disappear right after you have sex with them for the first time, convince yourself that this has nothing to do with your value as a sex partner and everything to do with the general meanness and shallowness of human beings.

10. Remember that the search for a partner should become the central activity of your existence. From now on, you will have no time for your friends, relatives or hobbies until the goal of finding a boyfriend/girlfriend is achieved.

11. After you find a boyfriend/girlfriend, make sure you don’t waste any time on activities that don’t contribute to the success of the relationship. Your partner should only be exposed to your married / partnered friends. Make sure your partner never sees your single friends. For one, they are all desperate to have somebody in their lives, and they might try to take your partner away. At the same time, you don’t want the sight of all these single folks to reawaken your partner’s longing for the times of her or his singlehood.

12. Make sure your partner doesn’t see any of his or her single friends either. That would be so unfair after you have sacrificed all of your single buddies for the sake of the relationship.

13. People in relationships spend all their time together and know everything about each other. If your partner doesn’t like you going through his or her pockets or won’t share passwords to email accounts, this means s/he has something to hide. Make sure you leave no stone unturned in an effort to find out what that something is.

14. After you get dumped, repeat the entire process all over again.

15. And most importantly: as you keep self-sabotaging this way, never ask yourself whether you really need a relationship or are only doing what you think you are expected to do.

33 thoughts on “How to Remain Alone Forever

  1. Resolve never to waste any more of your life on relationships that might end 20 years later.

    LOL! It’s all the funnier since I have this approach myself and not only to romantic relationships.

    Remember, if they are not ready to get engaged six months after the first date, they never will be.

    Imo there is a caveat here: if you’re searching for a serious relationship at already not a tender age (25+) and the other person can’t even think in the direction after half a year, dump him. By “thinking in the direction” I mean being able to talk how each views married life, when both of you would want to start living together if everything goes well. Staying with Mr. “I only want to have fun with you (for a while)” is a waste of time. Imo if people are suitable, 6 months is enough to discover it, no?

    Only engage in sex after you have received firm guarantees that the relationship will go somewhere.

    What if one doesn’t wait for “firm guarantees” (marriage proposal?), but does want to date at least for a month f.e., get acquainted and yes check that you’re both in searching for a serious relationship stage? Being in this stage doesn’t mean being desperate or any guarantee that you’ll suit, but there are some men who know they want it (and write it in dating site profile f.e.), while others think they don’t.

    It’s not the post about successful relationships yet, right? Hope you’ll write about them too.

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    1. “if you’re searching for a serious relationship at already not a tender age (25+) and the other person can’t even think in the direction after half a year, dump him. By “thinking in the direction” I mean being able to talk how each views married life, when both of you would want to start living together if everything goes well. Staying with Mr. “I only want to have fun with you (for a while)” is a waste of time. Imo if people are suitable, 6 months is enough to discover it, no?”

      -This entire point could be reduced to “Only be with someone you love and who loves you.” 🙂

      ‘What if one doesn’t wait for “firm guarantees” (marriage proposal?), but does want to date at least for a month f.e., get acquainted and yes check that you’re both in searching for a serious relationship stage?”

      -A month is kind of way too short to discover if you want a serious relationship with a person. I think that maybe after 1-1,5 years it might become clear. Which should not prevent anybody from having fun in the process. 🙂

      “It’s not the post about successful relationships yet, right?”

      -Oh no. That one is still forthcoming.

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      1. A month is kind of way too short to discover if you want a serious relationship with a person. I think that maybe after 1-1,5 years it might become clear.

        But ~ how long is usually right to wait till you begin falling in love (being infatuated =\= loving) in your eyes?

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        1. I don’t think you can use will-power to control how soon you fall in love with a person. 🙂 For people who are in touch with their sexuality, the knowledge whether this person attracts them sexually is instant. I’d say it takes from 2 to 5 minutes. 🙂

          A sexuality that awakens after the person has passed a series of tests for suitability is not a healthy sexuality and will not lead the relationship in any good direction.

          As for a relationship, there are bound to be conflicts, fights and issues in the initial stages as people are learning to fit each other and communicate productively. I’d say that if after 1-1,5 years this stage of fighting a lot and arguing all the time hasn’t ended, there is a chance the whole thing is hopeless. Of course, each relationship will experience crises over the years, but constant angry fighting that doesn’t abate is a very bad sign. Especially if the fights are about the same things. The goal is to resolve each issue eventually and move on. Sometimes, to new issues. 🙂 This is not to say that the goal is to arrive at a point where there are never any fights at all. That is, actually, a very dangerous sign for a relationship. If there are never any conflicts at all, it might be that people simply don’t care about each other at all.

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  2. “8. Only engage in sex after you have received firm guarantees that the relationship will go somewhere.”

    The problem is that almost all women in Québec (outside Montreal) think like this….

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    1. In Quebec???? Nah, I hear something completely different. 🙂 If you were to tell me it’s this way in Georgia, I’d believe you. 🙂

      Of course, I can have no personal knowledge of this. It’s just what men tell me. 🙂

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          1. Montrealers are more open-minded in sex because there are many immigrants, so the sexist movements like femi-favoritist ideologues and catholic machist pro-pedophile organizations have less influence there.

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  3. Right now, English Canadians are more open-minded in sex than Quebeckers outside Montreal.

    But with the reminescence of the CON-SERV-HATERS in the Rest Of Canada, this tendency seems to vanish, sadly.

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  4. Sigh. You’ve pretty much hit the nail bang in the middle of the forehead at every instance, especially for a lot of women. Indeed, for some people, these — and especially those pertaining to withholding sex against one’s own desires — have become standards of feminist morality. Which baffles me, actually. What if I become very attached to someone, then discover we have no sexual chemistry whatsoever?

    I just have one metric for relationships so far: Good food, good conversation, and good sex. Check all those boxes, and it pretty much does for me.

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    1. “What if I become very attached to someone, then discover we have no sexual chemistry whatsoever?”

      -Exactly! Somehow, people seem to think that having fantastic sex with a person for a year and then not getting married and going one’s separate way is a waste of time. While getting attached to somebody only to discover much later that the sex simply has no chance of ever working is not a waste of time. What sense does this even make?

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      1. The idea is a bit different. Most first dates don’t lead to second dates. The longer people date, the bigger chance they’ll see each other a month from now, f.e. If for some reason (fear of disease, education at home, etc) a woman wants to sleep only with men whom she knows well enough (depends on people & situation) waiting for sex (weeks or several months) makes sense. It’s not like waiting for marriage! It’s waiting to see if you (think you) can trust him enough as a person & most least suitable candidates will fall away in the process.

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        1. To be honest, I could never understand the connection between sex and trust that so many people seem to make.

          I also don’t understand why we are discussing this waiting for sex strategy as something female. I have had quite a few men try this trick on me. I will let everyone guess where those men are today. 🙂 🙂

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          1. I wouldn’t call it “trick”. Some men genuinely prefer it this way. I once read anon on a uni students’ Israeli forum, who said he could have sex only after getting acquainted for a while. It’s different psychological approach.

            RE Drugs – I’ve been very impressed by Michael Miller’s link to this article:
            U.S. Drug Policy Would Be Imposed Globally By New House Bill
            http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/06/us-drug-policy-war-congress_n_998993.html?1318006907&ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009&ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false
            If you haven’t, do read it. The results of this bill are scandalous and imo greatly contribute to corruption.
            If police want you in jail with such laws, they’ll put you there.

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            1. “I wouldn’t call it “trick”. Some men genuinely prefer it this way. I once read anon on a uni students’ Israeli forum, who said he could have sex only after getting acquainted for a while.”

              -Of course, they prefer it. The question is why. I believe it is because they know they won’t be able to get you to keep them around by their sexual performance, so they hope to involve you enough emotionally, so that you wouldn’t dump them for deficient sex.

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              1. Do you really think the only reason is bad sex? Many women prefer to wait a bit because of cultural shaming, but this doesn’t have to be the only reason. I think in not shaming anybody society some people of both genders would still prefer to wait and not because of being bad in bed.

                What if one is a virgin?

                Generally, if 2 people are sexually attracted to each other, which is seen immediately, and initially click as people (takes more time) , why would sex be bad? Even if it isn’t very good, why can’t it be improved?

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              2. “Many women prefer to wait a bit because of cultural shaming, but this doesn’t have to be the only reason.”

                -To avoid shaming, the best strategy is to keep it secret. 🙂

                “Generally, if 2 people are sexually attracted to each other, which is seen immediately, and initially click as people (takes more time) , why would sex be bad? ”

                -Because sexual attraction does not guarantee sexual compatibility. People can be so attracted to each other that there are electric currents in the air between them but the actual sex can absolutely end up being a total disaster. If only attraction, even the extremely powerful kind, were enough. . . 😦

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              3. To avoid shaming, the best strategy is to keep it secret

                From yourself? There probably are drugs with such effects, but using them with US current laws will lead to bigger problems. 😉

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              4. If there is so much shame attached to sexuality in one’s own mind, one is not likely to enjoy sex at all, so I would definitely postpone it until this issue is addressed.

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              5. I would definitely postpone it until this issue is addressed.

                Addressed how in practice? How can one decide what’s “real” you (your character), what’s society’s influence that one wants to rid off, and what to keep And Do It? It’s not only about sexual issues, of course, but another topics too. May be you’ll post about how one can analyze oneself and come to a place of deciding on a right thing for you and not regretting it? Those psychoanalysis techniques?

                Even if some woman for XYZ reasons doesn’t feel like not waiting, I doubt she won’t enjoy it after waiting the amount of time she finds natural for her. Right?

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              6. The bad news is that one cannot psychoanalyze oneself. Only when the situation becomes truly intolerable for an individual will they seek ways of addressing it. I only went to an analyst when things got so bad that I knew I would end up with a nervous breakdown (this was unrelated to sex or my personal life). If it hadn’t gotten that bad, I would have probably still wallowed masochistically in that very situation. Analysis was painful precisely because I loved my neurosis, I cherished it, it played a crucial role in my life, and letting it go was not fun. 🙂

                Also, psychoanalysis doesn’t address “society.” It addresses the narrative you ascribe to society in order to avoid facing your issues. (I don’t mean you personally, of course.)

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              7. The bad news is that one cannot psychoanalyze oneself.

                But you explained what happens with abused women, so one can use intelligence to analyze others… and probably take a situation which somewhat resembles yours, imagine somebody else in it and analyze it too.

                I am interested what you think are the reasons below the surface of women with feelings of “shame attached to sexuality”

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              8. “and probably take a situation which somewhat resembles yours, imagine somebody else in it and analyze it too.”

                -No, my friend, I’m sorry, it doesn’t work this way. There are too many mechanisms of repressing unwelcome information that exist to protect one’s neuroses. Some people (wink, wink) even lose their hearing in the process in order not to hear unpleasant truths.

                “I am interested what you think are the reasons below the surface of women with feelings of “shame attached to sexuality””

                -Only and exclusively, family conditioning. The question to ask such a person is “what words did your parents use to talk to you about sex the first few times.”

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        1. This is the blog Clarissa is talking about, el: http://saucethefoodblog.blogspot.com/

          And she’s being generous, as usual. I am not a great cook at all, as she is. I can merely drum up easy recipes from regular ingredients. That’s my secwet super-power.

          And yes, while I can cook, I prefer my partner to take up the kitchen shift. Cooking regularly bores me to furious tears. I can only cook regularly if I have someone cooking along with me, and keeping up a lively, amusing conversation while at it.

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