How to Be a Self-Defeating Conservative
As I’m struggling not to succumb to the yearly “end-of-academic-year” bout of sickness, I want to share the following hilarious table with you.
And here is my own list of instructions on how to defeat one’s own political cause as a Conservative:
- combine jingoism with complete disregard for the rules of the English language by using expressions like “American processes,” “individual dreams as a path to leading,” and “create less and simpler taxes.”
- come up with the most useless statement ever like “to compete for happiness” and use it proudly, in spite of its utter meaninglessness. You have to be a very disturbed and pathetic human being to believe that you can win happiness at some competition. I don’t want to believe that this miserable little thing uses the word “happiness” to refer to money. That would be too bizarre even for the creator of this table.
- defy logic by suggesting that honoring something and treating it as a living document are contradictory, instead of complimentary, attitudes. Apparently, the weird author of this silly table thinks that you could only respect things and people who are already dead. Hence, his unhealthy desire to wage as many wars. Creating a mountain of dead bodies seems to be the only way for him to experience any respect for others.
- refuse to see that if just one person is added to “the lower income 50%”, it is only fair that this majority should decide what happens in the country.
- conveniently forget that, in the most recent 30 years, the Presidents who created huge budget deficits were on the right. And the only President who created a surplus was on the Left. Which surplus was then frittered away by a debt-loving President on the right.
The sad thing is that the pathetic fool who came up with this unintelligent table is getting quoted massively. Of course, people who quote it can neither conjugate nor see the difference between a chart and a table: “The chart below highlight some key differences in right and left-wing philosophies.” I haven’t read any posts by the gentleman who created this nearly meaningless sentence but something tells me he has a few posts here and there on the bad, mean college professors who pervert the innocent American kids and make him laugh at the grievously ignorant folks like himself.