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The Definition of Good Parents

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Clarissa

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This is not my definition but it blows my mind with how good it is.

“You can see the difference between good parents and bad parents in the goals they pursue.

Bad parents want their child to become a lawyer / get a college degree / get married / have children / make a lot of money / learn to play the piano / be an athlete, etc. The child is an agent of their desires. S/he is supposed to structure his / her life in a way that will enable the parents to live out their fantasy vicariously.

Good parents don’t want any of this. They want to become redundant. This is their central goal: they work to ensure that the child is prepared to deal independently with the world, generate desires of his or her own, and work towards fulfilling them in any way s/he sees fit.”

 

12 responses to “The Definition of Good Parents”

  1. Titfortat Avatar
    Titfortat

    If your kids want nothing to do with you when they get older I think you can pretty much figure out whether you were a good parent or not. 😉

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      Those cases arr still salvageable. It’s the ones where the kids can’t survive without the parents that are sad. I know a 32-year-old woman who lives with her parents, goes ln vacations only with them, never had a single date. But they a really love each other. 😦

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      1. Titfortat Avatar
        Titfortat

        Define love, more like co dependant. Ugh. 😦
        Are kids are 15 and 18 and they are well aware that the gravy train wont last much longer. 😉

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        1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
          bloggerclarissa

          “Are kids are 15 and 18 and they are well aware that the gravy train wont last much longer.”

          – I have no doubt that you are nothing like those scary co-dependent parents.

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  2. Z Avatar
    Z

    “It’s the ones where the kids can’t survive without the parents that are sad.”

    Very good point. However, knowing that the “gravy train” will not last doesn’t preclude it. My parents did their best to disable us so as to tie us to them, for example, while also reminding us we would be on the streets at 18. So, my brother married someone who supports him, and I grabbed at the first job I could (professor was something I was sure I could do, because I was good at school; I had been told I would be incompetent at everything else but I knew from experience I could do school). So yes, we got out of our parents’ hair, but we did not develop and we both feel terribly guilty about not being who and what our parents wanted, not having been able to take better care of them emotionally / satisfy them, etc.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      Yes, you are right, financial independence is not a sign that one’s parents have let one go. I know this woman who is the only one to work in the family. She makes very good money. So she bought a house, put her sister on the first floor, her mother on the second floor, and took the basement for herself. The mother and the sister do nothing but criticize her and give her orders all day long. Whenever the poor creature tries to have a personal life, they do all they can to destroy the relationship. Even within the house, she piled them on top of herself. The symbolism is screaming to the skies!

      I have many such stories because that’s something that is deeply ingrained in our culture. 😦

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      1. Z Avatar
        Z

        There is something about people who are being supported, so many treat the person supporting them as their servant.

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    2. Titfortat Avatar
      Titfortat

      However, knowing that the “gravy train” will not last doesn’t preclude it.(Z)

      I agree. Because of my own personal experience my wife and I have tried hard to help our children develop the skills necessary to be emotionally and intellectually fit. Though they are far from perfect they seem to be relatively well balanced. Hopefully they call us in the distant future. 😉

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  3. serenebabe Avatar
    serenebabe

    Sounds similar to how I would define good parenting, if I were going to define it. It’s also almost exactly the essence of a painting I’ve wanted to do for 7+ years but, for a variety of reasons, haven’t done yet.

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  4. musteryou Avatar
    musteryou

    I have the same idea as the parent of my intellectual ideas, too. I want to become redundant to them. May they fly on their own two feet, even if a metaphor or two have to collide.

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  5. ah Avatar
    ah

    Do you have a source for this quote? I love it and I’d like to use it, but I also want to give credit where credit is due.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      It was said to me in a private conversation.

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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