There is no Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This is simply a code word used by horrible parents who can’t deal with the realization that their children are human beings with needs, preferences, and desires of their own.
What does exist is the phenomenon called “infant / childhood rage.” This is a response of a child who feels that her identity is being invaded and destroyed by an abusive controlling parent.
By the age of 3, a normally developing child realizes that she is a separate individual who has a life and identity that are different from those of others. Starting from this moment, the child will struggle to assert this individuality. She will want to choose what she wears, what and when she eats, who her friends are, etc. By the age of 6-7, the second major stage of individuation begins. The child will need a greater personal space that will not be invaded and will subject the opinions of parents to doubt and criticism.
If a child is not allowed to go through these stages of separation from the parents in peace, she is likely to develop “infant / childhood rage.” If from the very beginning of trying to formulate an identity of her own the child realizes that these efforts are not welcome, if this as yet very young and tenuous identity is rejected and plowed over by adults, the child perceives this as a threat to her entire existence. The reaction to this existential threat is rage. This is the only weapon the child has in what is for her a fight for survival.
As they mature, most children learn to conceal their rage and live with it. Some never do (depending on the degree of abuse they experienced.) However, this rage will never really go away. It will remain with them for as long as they live. The reason why this rage is not treatable is that it is an eminently reasonable, logical reaction to one’s experiences. If there is any instance of truly self-righteous anger, this is it.
So: if you have come to this blog in search of a recipe of how to deal with a child who has this Oppositional Defiance Disorder, here is one. Learn to see this child as a human being. Try to find out what his personality is instead of trying to inscribe your own expectations and preferences onto him. Learn to respect his personal space. Let him spend time on his own. Stop criticizing him and trying to improve him. Let him make his own choices. Stop applying parenting strategies to him and, instead, learn to interact with him as a human being that he is. Stop yelling and demanding and start asking questions and listening.
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