People are afraid of saying the wrong thing and hurting my feelings. They really don’t need to worry, though. There is no wrong thing to say. Even if they make an awkward comment, it will be OK because the pain I’m experiencing lies very far from what words can access.
I don’t want people to begin to feel a holy terror of causing hurt and shroud me in silence as a result.
You are correct that people have that fear of saying the wrong thing, as though someone’s slightly awkward words could substantially increase a pain so deep.
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I want to be feared for the good “she-will-attack-me-viciously-on-her-blog” reason and not for the sad and uncomfortable “what-if-I-hurt-her-feelings” reason.
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That is hilariously funny, actually, and so YOU. I admire your sense of humor. Ooops, did I say the wrong thing and offend her by finding her funny?
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People always find it funny when I say exactly what I think. And when I try to be funny, they go all serious and pensive and say, “Hmmm. . .” 🙂
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I have to admit that sometimes this worries me. 🙂
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I confess I wanted to post something earlier but was also afraid of missing the mark, saying the wrong thing, and turn a good intention the wrong direction. Plus, it somehow seemed improper for a casual, yet regular, blog reader to comment on something so personal.
But your post “LOVE” the other day is full of so much it is hard to describe its effect. That post is so heartbreaking and so beautiful all at the same time. To even call it “moving” takes away from its wonder.
” and caught him staring at it with such overwhelming adoration”…what words can add to that?
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Thank you so much. This is exactly what I wanted to hear. 🙂
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I think some people feel they have to say something significant, and there is really nothing to say that seems adequate. But often, when you are grieving, it is just nice to know that people are there, thinking of you. You don’t expect people to say something profound, saying anything will do. (And when I say “you” I don’t mean you personally, of course.)
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” But often, when you are grieving, it is just nice to know that people are there, thinking of you. You don’t expect people to say something profound, saying anything will do.”
– I agree completely!
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You can always say something simple formulaic, like I am sorry for your loss or my thoughts are with you. In my experience nobody gets offended by that. Everyone knows that is not *adequate* but there is nothing really adequate to say.
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When I was a T.A. in grad
school a fellow T.A. had lost her daughter in a car accident. It had happened a year previously but was still just about all she could talk about. Work helped. But she needed time and people to listen. I’m listening to you as I listened to her.
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Thank you, Hattie. It really helps to know that I can have a conversation with people any time I like through the blog.
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It is hard to know what to say when nothing can remove the loss. Maybe one of these will get you angry: http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/comfort-a-grieving-friend
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The most unwelcome thing among the listed is “It’s time to get over this.” I heard it today and yesterday. I wonder how people decide it’s time for me to get over it. Is there a schedule I’m not aware of?
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wow. I would say no time is the time to get over it. Geesh. Humans are emotional creatures, so they want you to get over your humanity and become….what?
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Be over it already? When you do get over the worst of it, they will probably say you did not grieve properly or long enough.
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Maybe they’re trying to reassure themselves that, should such a tragedy happen to them, they’d be able to continue their life unscathed – and if you can do it, it means so will they, so they’re encouraging you to return to pre-stillbirth Clarissa. Change can be very scary to some people.
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There are people who spend a lifetime ignoring the bad experiences and pretending they never happened. But the price for that is too high as you keep denying half of your own life.
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Someone actually told you to “get over it”????!!!! I am horrified. 1) This is still very new. 2) You don’t have to grieve on anyone’s timeline. 3) You aren’t upset over a papercut. Something objectively terrible and traumatic happened. That’s an incredibly insensitive thing to say.
I appreciate your OP though. I am always worried when talking to someone who has experienced a loss. I would just hate if I stupidly said (or wrote) something that it’s going to somehow wound or upset someone (in this case you) who is already hurting. I also worry about discussing trite or every day things because I don’t want the griever to think that I am minimizing his/her loss.
So your post is great. I would imagine the worst thing is to feel isolated. And you have done a great job of continuing to post–instead of shutting yourself away. You can count on Evelina Anville to continue reading and commenting. 🙂
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Oh, I can get totally chatty and gory. Two comments.
1. Did you know this is how Lula, the ex President of Brazil, lost his first wife and child? Yes. When she felt odd like you and went in to see what was happening, doctors said it was just nerves. So, baby dead but not removed. When C section *finally* happens, peritonitis. Death of baby’s mother, too. Lula got really depressed and his brother in law got him involved in labor union just to keep his mind off things. This led him on the path that got him to be President later, and it is said that the early tragedy is one of the personal reasons why he is adamant about healthcare for the non rich.
2. Nowadays, when they do not brush things off as they did in the case of Lula’s wife, it can appear they have this whole baby situation under control. Compared to the 19th century and before, I guess they do. But they really don’t, there are so many variables, as I keep finding out.
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Wow, I had no idea this happened to Lula’s wife. How horrible.
And I agree that this is still a very mysterious and fraught process.
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
Clarissa's Blog 
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