What Doesn’t Help

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Clarissa

November 12, 2013

What really doesn’t help and only makes things worse is to hear, “If only the doctors had done this, if only the nurses had done that, if only the hospital, if only the weather, and so on.”

It doesn’t help because I immediately imagine this alternative scenario in which Eric is alive. And then I have to face the realization that the fantasy didn’t work and he is still dead. I can somewhat deal with this as an established fact but not as a fresh realization.

All that this discussion of possible alternatives achieves is give people an illusion of control at my expense. They need “an explanation” to protect themselves from the fear of unexpected tragedies befalling them. So they engage in a symbolic reenactment of the days and months before the tragedy to convince themselves that it could have been avoided.

This strategy only magnifies anxiety, however. There is no possibility of making the fantasy real, no matter how many times you verbalize it. And as the terror grows, so does the need to hide from it behind the “if onlys.”

Yes, it is very human to do this. It is also very obnoxious.

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13 responses to “What Doesn’t Help”

kelly

November 12, 2013

Don’t let anyone to dwell on your tragedy and don’t do it yourself, Clarissa. Your fantasy is over, will never be real. Having said that, you can always look for dreams that are realizable. And here is one: If you want a child and you already lost one, go for an adopted child. Right away and build your dream on her/his reality.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  November 12, 2013
  
  Yes, this toy is broken, I’m going to go get myself a new toy. 🙂
  
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  1. kelly
    
    November 12, 2013
    
    I undestand you Clarissa. This is no consolation but you need to know that I had multiple miscarriages, one after the other for over 7-8 years. Until my husband suggested that perhaps both our clocks were ticking and we needed to consider adoption as a viable and fulfilling alternative. We adopted 3 girls and we couldn’t be more happy. Much later on, we divorced but we are still very much in love with our daughters and still support them together. We still cherish that decision back then. ( This is just sharing my story, in no way wanting to control anything at your expense)
    
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    1. bloggerclarissa
      
      November 12, 2013
      
      Kelly: I’m very sorry you had such sad experiences! But it’s great that things worked out so well with your three daughters. I personally never considered adoption but I admire people who adopt. It’s a wonderful thing to do.
      
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2. Marina
  
  November 12, 2013
  
  Are you being sarcastic or strangely insensitive?
  
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hkatz

November 12, 2013

“So they engage in a symbolic reenactment of the days and months before the tragedy to convince themselves that it could have been avoided.”

Yes, people do this for everything. After that horrible story about the people Ariel Castro kept captive and tortured in his house for a decade, there were Internet commenters saying how they personally would have fought off Castro or somehow managed to escape. At its worst, it becomes victim-blaming. And I agree it’s mostly driven by fear. People will also turn on a victim or someone who has suffered because they fear what that person reminds them of (another thing they do is jump in and tell a suffering person exactly what to do to ‘fix’ the situation as quickly as possible, regardless of whether this is good or not, just to maintain the illusion that the problem can be easily resolved and brought under control). Generally, the people who are best at giving comfort not only are empathetic, they’re also most accepting of uncertainty and the fact that there are limits to what we can control.

Anyway, I’m sorry you have to put up with these crappy reactions 😦

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good enough cook

November 12, 2013

Yes. This.

I have encountered variations on this phenomenon with everything from a friend’s cancer diagnosis (“she doesn’t smoke, does she?”) to my own broken wrist (“see, I think I would have broken the fall *this* way…”): that bizarre attempt people make to convince themselves that they can keep bad things from happening, even if it means blaming the sufferer.

I’m so sorry that it extends even to your unimaginable loss.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  November 12, 2013
  
  “I’m so sorry that it extends even to your unimaginable loss.”
  
  – Thank you for understanding.
  
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Anonymous

November 12, 2013

After reading Kelly’s comment. I want to share that I know a woman, who lost twins during last months of pregnancy. Very similar to your situation, Clarissa. Several years later she gave birth twice to two healthy children (one child at a time), and today is much happier than she would have been without them (is actually happy, and, yes, I know this).

Kelly’s situation is one thing, but most often having own children is physically possible.

Saying “Your fantasy is over, will never be real” is not only insensitive, but simply factually untrue, projecting her own issues unto you.

It’s not about toys (horrifying idea). That woman was traumatised too. Her two great children aren’t “instead of,” but “in addition to” the kids she has lost.

Hope it’s not too unsensitive, but I will say that I hope one day you will heal (never completely, but to some extent) and decide to give birth to a child. Can’t imagine the feelings and fears after Eric’s death, but statistically the chances of disaster are very low. You can physically have a healthy child (99%, since I am not God), if you mentally can afford to do so.

Had I been religious, I would’ve been praying for you having this happiness in the future. Not “instead”, never “instead”, but “in addition.”

Sorry, if I said something wrong. It’s too early to talk about this, but since Kelly began, wanted to share.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  November 13, 2013
  
  God, losing twins, what a tragedy. Two kids lost, at the same time. This is really horrible. But I’m glad to hear that this woman found her way to happiness.
  
  Thank you for this great comment. It really helps me to hear stories where people experienced this kind of loss but then came to terms with it and were happy. I mean, I don’t want anybody to experience this, of course, but I want to hear that after the loss happened, people found ways to deal with it.
  
  Thank you!
  
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Z

November 13, 2013

Things really can go awry sometimes without a “reason,” although people now do seem to think that we should be able to control everything.

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kelly

November 13, 2013

This is a response to Anonymous ( The Highly Sensitive Commenter):
I quote what Clarissa posted:
“It doesn’t help because I immediately imagine this alternative SCENARIO IN WHICH ERIC IS ALIVE. And then I have to face the realization that the fantasy didn’t work and HE IS STILL DEAD”.

Compassionate Anonymous: Let me ask you: Is Eric susceptible to resurrection?. Yes or not?. The possibility that Eric is still alive, is not a fantasy?. Is the fantasy over, yes or not?.

The fact that such a fantasy is over doesn’t negate alternatives for Clarissa, which are truly real, not fantasies: adoption is one, re-trying again at her age is also a second one. Both of them real possibilities and with real possibility of success.

If anyone wants to learn sensitivity towards others, this is the blog to visit.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  November 13, 2013
  
  Guys, let’s not fight, ok? We are all good people her and I know nobody wishes anything bad to me or each other.
  
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