Superior Values

Published by

Clarissa

March 19, 2014

I’ve been asked why I consider the American way of relating to each other and to the world to be superior to the one practiced by my people.

Here are some small examples. Yesterday, everybody – the lunch lady at the cafeteria, the cashier at the gym, the spinning instructor – expressed their support the people of Ukraine.

“I’m so sorry for what’s happening!” they were saying. “I hope none of your family members suffer. I really feel for you, this is horrible.”

I have no idea how they really feel about Ukraine or if they feel anything, but these are people who understand the right way of engaging with a Ukrainian person at this point. Mind you, these are virtual strangers who have seen me around but don’t have a relationship with me.

At the same time, close family friends from Russia, people who have been to my parents’ house, know us intimately, have partaken of our food, etc., have been calling to gloat, giggle, and say really horrible, mean things about the annexation of the Crimea.

Yes, this seems like a little thing, but imagine this kind of meanness and aggression permeating every interaction with everybody. I did not emigrate because I was running from poverty. I was not poor back home. I emigrated because I couldn’t take this kind of environment any longer.

Or another example. Yesterday, I was the only person who showed up for the spinning class. It turned out that everybody else had attended the earlier class, and I hadn’t pre-registered, so the instructor thought nobody was coming. When I arrived, the instructor went out of her way to let me know that I was not putting her out and that I was actually doing her a favor by giving her a chance to work out. And yes, she did give some Jesus talk during the class. But the way things are these days, an FSU person is just as likely to trot out Jesus and then make you feel horrible for showing up for class unannounced.

I always say that Americans are people who are always likely to notice and comment if you look great or have lost weight. FSU people, on the other hand, are always going to notice and comment if you look bad or have gained weight. Again, small things, but out of these small things our greater reality is made.

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17 responses to “Superior Values”

musteryou

March 19, 2014

If you were identified as Russian, would people say the same thing?

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1. Clarissa
  
  March 19, 2014
  
  No, because then my relatives wouldn’t be living in a war zone and wishing them safety would be weird.
  
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  1. musteryou
    
    March 19, 2014
    
    I wonder if they are just siding with what they perceive to be American interests, in other words
    
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    1. Clarissa
      
      March 19, 2014
      
      I’m talking about people who lack the sort of sophistication needed to analyze foreign policy at this level and who are simply trying to be polite and kind.
      
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      1. musteryou
        
        March 19, 2014
        
        Sure, but it is easier to be polite and kind if one’s government points in one direction.
        
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        Clarissa
        
        March 19, 2014
        
        In my area, everybody is Republican and the hatred of the government is overwhelming.
        
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        musteryou
        
        March 19, 2014
        
        oh.
        
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Stringer Bell

March 19, 2014

“At the same time, close family friends from Russia, people who have been to my parents’ house, know us intimately, have partaken of our food, etc., have been calling to gloat, giggle, and say really horrible, mean things about the annexation of the Crimea.”

This is unreal. How are they still close family friends?

In my experience, even horribly mean people do not do this to your face. They might feel happy at your misfortune but they rarely gloat in front of you. Your stories about everyday Russian people behavior make me shudder. I don’t think any other country compares.

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1. Clarissa
  
  March 19, 2014
  
  “This is unreal. How are they still close family friends?”
  
  – After these comments, they aren’t. But over the years, my parents heard all kinds of abusive, vicious stuff from their Russian-speaking friends because my mother is Ukrainian. The Russians and the Jews tend to be particularly nasty on the subject.
  
  “Your stories about everyday Russian people behavior make me shudder. I don’t think any other country compares.”
  
  – Ukrainians are like that, too. Unfortunately. It was very hard for me to live back there. There were times when I couldn’t leave my apartment for days because I couldn’t face the constant barrage of nasty remarks and aggression from strangers and acquaintances. Another recent example: after my son’s death, an American friend was calling me every day to support me and get me through the loss. And a friend from Ukraine whom I’ve known for decades said, “Oh, I knew this would happen. By the way, I recently purchased this really cool car. . .” And I know she doesn’t mean anything bad by it. This is just how people are.
  
  Or when we told my mother-in-law that I was pregnant, she said to N (in my presence), “Oh, ha ha, you are so not going to be a good father.”
  
  It’s just the way people are. 😦
  
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  1. Jones
    
    March 20, 2014
    
    “… the constant barrage of nasty remarks and aggression from strangers and acquaintances …”
    
    I suppose the difference is that my people have evolved a way to impart the immediate impression that such people have no standing among us.
    
    Hence they look petty, mean, and rather stupid instead of somehow threatening.
    
    I believe they call these people in Texas “all hat and no cattle” …
    
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m

March 19, 2014

Is there an element of superstition to this? I ask because my parents are from India and I have found that my family there tends to be quite similar in their behaviour. In their case, however, it is driven by what is essentially a fear of the evil eye. Also, as an American who permanently resides elsewhere, this makes me a bit homesick! In the UK people are more to the American side of things, but in a much more reserved fashion.

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1. Clarissa
  
  March 19, 2014
  
  I wish it were something like this. But no, we are just mean and rude by nature. My husband and I were discussing yesterday how both of us had to learn not to be this way after emigration. And it took a while. 🙂
  
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Fie Upon This Quiet Life

March 19, 2014

Aww. We can be nice sometimes. 🙂

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Jones

March 20, 2014

“I always say that Americans are people who are always likely to notice and comment if you look great or have lost weight.”

I would go as far as saying that the American national religion has nothing to do with Christianity at all, but instead is a sort of burly positivism that infects nearly everything.

It can become annoying.

Please Americans, for the love of all that is worthwhile and interesting, stop asking complete strangers how they’re doing. In my case at least, they entirely get wrong the idea that I’d consider this a rather personal request …

Wishing people a reasonably nice day, on the other hand, isn’t nearly so awful.

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1. Clarissa
  
  March 20, 2014
  
  I know, you are British, you’ve got to be. 🙂
  
  I would totally dig it if somebody wished me a reasonably nice day. 🙂
  
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Jones

March 20, 2014

“I’d like to you wish you the best day possible under the circumstances …”

Will the Canadian version do? 🙂

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1. Clarissa
  
  March 20, 2014
  
  But the weather! You forgot to mention the weather!
  
  Canadians seem to love talking about the weather even more than the Brits. I mean, it’s been snowing since October. What’s the point of mentioning the snow every five minutes? Yes, we’ve noticed, it’s still there.
  
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