Russians can’t help but be very literary in everything they do. The letter if famous artists in support of Putin’s invasion of Ukraine is signed by some people who have been dead for a while.

And when Putin travels around the country, the dilapidated shacks that he passes in a car are covered with fabric painted with the images of beautiful, clean houses with geraniums in the windows.

And when he visits restaurants or stores, which he does sometimes, all the store assistants and waiters who are taller than him are asked to hide.

“So how much does a college professor make?” the American customs officer asked me. “Like $150,000?”

“No, it’s more like $55,000,” I said.

“Are you serious??? This is ridiculous! Fifty-five for such an important job? You guys deserve at least a hundred. This is just wrong, so wrong. What is this country coming to?” the customs officer sighed and have me back my papers.

“Spasibo!” he said.

I had to get up at 4:20 am today, so I was still groggy. I noticed, though, that all of a sudden everybody became extremely nice, kind, and helpful.

“Let me help you with this, Ma’am!”
“If I may say, you have beautiful rings.”
“Welcome to the United States!”
“I hope you had a very good stay in Canada and it ‘s great to have you back.”
“Take your time, I’m here to help.”
“Is this a Russian name? Ukrainian? The American people support your country!”

Drowning in a sea of smiles, I realized I was back in America.

Have you heard the story of a recent hire at Nazreth College? The person hired rejected the job offer in a way that was deeply humiliating to the college. Hiring committees often treat candidates very poorly, so I have a suspicion that the candidate gave the college exactly what it deserved.

Of course, we all know that, for people of a certain social class, women can only be victims. So the story of a woman who unleashed her vengeance against a dinky little college by making it the laughing stock of the country is being spun as a story of a pathetic little creature victimized by all-powerful rulers of the world.

I have to apologize to reader musteryou who said that dogs recognize dominance in people. I said this sounded ridiculous.

But on the very next day, a very aggressive and loud dog Lola saw me, rolled on her back, and raised her paws.

I’m now thinking there might just be something to this theory, as bizarre as it’s sounds.

I’m visiting one of the world’s trendiest cities, and I’m ready to report on what’s trending right now. If you noticed any interesting new trends in your travels, feel free to add to the list.

The biggest trends of 2014 are:

1. TEA. And I mean real tea, loose-leaf. Everybody is suddenly obsessed with tea, and even an Argentinean friend reacted to my suggestion to share a mate with, “Nah, forget mate. Check out my tea collection.” It’s crucial to have a cool tea mug with an infuser and know which kind of tea should be imbibed at which time in the day.

2. ORANGE AND GREY. Sadly for me, electric blue is last year. This year, the colors are orange and grey, worn together. I look appalling in orange, but I now have a huge orange necklace that I’m hoping will be enough.

3. SPINNING. This is absolutely the workout of the year. What yoga was last year and Pilates in the five years before last, today is spinning. Every fitness instructor is urgently learning how to direct eager spinners.

4. THICK TIGHTS IN BRIGHT COLORS. Wearing see-through tan stockings is a horrible faux pas this year, by the way.

5. BRIGHT RED/ORANGE LIPSTICK. This is bad news for the absolute majority of us because this color makes almost everybody look like a tired old hag.

6. NETFLIX. Nothing is more provincial and déclassé these days than cable TV and enormous TV sets.

7. SMARTBOARDS. For those of is in the teaching profession, checking out smart boards is a must. Especially if one writes on the board a lot, this might be a great idea.

8. BIG DATA is all the rage in employment. Social media specialists, who were so sought after until now, are all out of fashion. Big Data will dominate the hiring for the next 5 years, it seems.

9. DARK TOENAIL POLISH. Not black, of course, but dark blue, purple and red shades of polish have come to substitute the pale pinks.

10. CLARISSA’S BLOG. And if you want to be a real fashionista, you can forget all the above-mentioned and simply read Clarissa ‘s Blog. This is a leading fashion trend that is here to stay.

I was very sad when nobody participated in last Thursday’s open thread.

“Shakesville has crowds of people participating in its inane ‘What have you had for breakfast?’ threads,” I thought. “But everybody just ignores mine.”

And then I realized that the open thread somehow never published. So here is the Open Thread. Feel free to link, say, ask and quote anything you want.

Putin has recently closed down the only kind-of-little-bit independent TV channel. Two days ago, he destroyed the last somewhat-semi-free newspaper.

Yesterday, the blogs of people who were not entirely laudatory of Putin’s activities were closed down.

The Constitution of the Russian Federation guarantees freedom of speech and bans censorship. Putin presents himself as the defender of everything Russian, yet he tramples on the constitution and makes speaking your mind in Russian one of the most unsafe activities in the country.

I can’t find an explanation for John Kerry’s extremely weird actions. Every day he warns the Russians that their foreign accounts are about to be frozen. Any day now they will be frozen. Just a little longer, and the accounts will be frozen. The moment hell freezes over the accounts will freeze, too.

Does he not realize that after all these warnings every account in question has been emptied?

When I play hide-and-seek with my 4-year-old niece Klubnikis, I always announce very loudly, “Here I come! Where is Klubnikis? I will find her immediately!” I do it so that the kid has time to hide. Klubnikis always laughs because even at the age of 4 she understands what I’m doing.

I have no doubt the Russians, too, are peeing themselves with laughter every time they hear one of these threats.

This round of the Cold War has been won by the Russians.

In the breaking news, here is my new best friend Lola:

Those who know me recognize the ring. And here is more:

Let nobody say I lack the capacity to change.