Is the same as that of tomato juice. If one happens to forgive one’s abuser(s) in the course of therapy, that’s fine. If not, that’s also fine.
However, trying to make oneself forgive is extremely damaging. Mandatory forgiveness reinforces original trauma. Any therapist who promotes the idea that “you have to forgive in order to move on” is definitely a quack and possibly a religious fanatic.
Supposedly, if you do not forgive then you are locked in a struggle with the abuser, letting them dominate your life, and so on, and so forth. I don’t see why. Religious fanatic, good point. Quack, yes, that too.
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I think these are some echoes of Christian religious conditioning.
One of the most liberating things is to accept that one has the right to feel rage, hurt, anger and feel them for as long as you need. Pretending that these feelings aren’t there – why? For the sake of some illusion of peace and quiet? It’s the quiet of being dead inside.
It has a lot to do with how they assume you will act if you do not “forgive.” You will be obsessed, you will seek revenge, you will do destructive and self destructive things. They assume very little maturity or self awareness.
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That’s some therapy, allying itself with anybody but the actual patient. But tragically, it’s what so many people get when they seek help.
I see so many of these exhortations to forgive online and on television. It’s so sad.
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Right, but seriously, this is the assumption that is made about patients. They have been sentenced to therapy by family members or job, and have come kicking and screaming; their out of control behavior has to be managed; they must stop certain behaviors now because there will soon be very bad consequences if not. So “forgiveness” is advised because then, if patient does not go out and kill someone, but does something less destructive, they will get a happier result for their life.
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As much as everybody wants to deny it, the only therapy that will work is the one that a patient passionately wants and actively seeks. A few times people I know asked me to help me find a therapist. And I never did, not because I’m mean but because I know it wouldn’t work. It has to be their decision, their process.
When somebody says, “My husband/son/mother/best friend/sister, etc really needs to go into therapy”, the only good advice is for that person to go into therapy.
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If you use the word forgive it certainly has a religious tone. What I do, or try to do instead, is rationalise the actions of whoever inflicted pain unto me, and remember it but gradually less and less as I try to disconnect the emotion from it. If they hurt me it is much in the way a lion would, to defence himself out of perceived threat or hunger. You don’t forgive the lion, nor hold rage against it. You keep your eyes open, you keep your distance or he/she will chop your head off. Sometimes you bite and sometimes you get bitten…
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Why petition the Lord with prayer when you can petition the Lord’s customs and immigrations service, Saint Peter, with adequate evidence that such persons should never be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven?
File your petition for eternal damnation of these persons with Saint Peter, then move on — perhaps a voodoo doll, stuck to a cross with a lot of nails from a nail gun, would provide ample warning of your intent …
“I’m sorry, Eternal Arsehole, but Heaven Border Force has received evidence of your inadmissibility to the Kingdom of Heaven. We still have time to send you to Belgium, however, unless Hell suits you better — think quickly and carefully about your choice …” 🙂
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@Clarissa’s last — sure, but even so, it seems that many who seek therapy only do so when they are in a desperate/volatile situation. Some behavior has just got to stop and stop soon, and whatever immediate stimuli seem to trigger it have got to be disarmed and soon. This is where these stopgap solutions, faux “forgiveness” and so on, come in. I am not defending them.
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Can your local constabulary help you remember just long enough so you may one day forget?
Just a thought, mind you …
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
Clarissa's Blog 
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