Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.
“Mother, you forced me to get married against my will. I didn’t want to, I told you that I wasn’t ready to get married but you made me anyway. And I was really, really unhappy.”
“No, of course, I didn’t force you. You wanted to get married.”
“No, I didn’t. I told you then and I’m telling you now. I didn’t want to get married.”
“You are inventing all this. Of course, you did. And in any case, this was all for the best. I only acted in your best interest.”
Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word.
Smiling girls. Throughout my entire life, I’ve been persecuted by the image of these smiling girls. Whenever I would make a friend, both of my parents would tell me, “Masha (Lena, Marina, Katia, etc.) is such a wonderful little girl. She always smiles and always looks so cheerful. Why can’t you be more like her? Ah, how much I wish I had a daughter like Masha (Lena, Marina, Katia, etc.). And instead I have you, a girl who never smiles and is always sad and broody.”
Obviously, I would begin to hate Masha (Lena, Marina, Katia, etc.) and never wanted to see them again.
“Why can’t you even keep a friend?” my parents would ask. “Masha (Lena, Marina, Katia, etc.) is such a great girl. I was hoping she could teach you to be more like her. But now you don’t even want to spend time with her any longer. Why don’t you have any friends?”
“Clarissa doesn’t want any friends,” they’d tell everybody. “She is unsociable by nature.”
In adulthood, smiling girls would turn into smiling women.
“Ah, why have I been cursed with a child like you,” my mother would sigh on a regular basis. “Look at Tamara. Her only goal in life is to please her mother. All of her money goes to making her mother happy. She comes from work and doesn’t go out with friends or boyfriends. She goes straight home to be with her mother. And she is always so smiley and cheerful about it!”
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