As a new contribution to our Relationships series, let’s discuss the story of a woman who is going to meet her casual lover over the summer holidays (the woman in question requested input). The lover asked the woman if she was willing to be introduced to his children:
It wasn’t exactly a surprise when TA asked me if I’d like to meet [the children] while I was there this time. I’m going to be spending lengths of time in Home State this summer, as opposed to my previous brief weekends, so it would be somewhat odd not to meet them at some point, especially if TA and I want to spend extended time together. . . TA wants me to meet them, though. He adores his kids and they’re a big part of his life; he said it would be nice to have me meet them in some capacity while I’m there.
He did ask me what I thought about the idea and I said we could talk when I’m there. Because I’m not sure what I think. . .
Is it too soon? When do you meet someone’s kids? Do you need to be in some defined state before you introduce the girl and the kids? We don’t even claim to be dating – because we’re not, given the distance between us and the understanding that we’re free to be with other people if we wish.
I’m torn. On one hand, I’d like to, because they’re a facet of TA and it seems false not to see that side of him if we’re going to keep spending time together. On the other, it seems like a step and I’m not sure about taking that one.
This will not be of interest to everybody, so I’m putting my response under the fold. If you are not very happy about your personal life, I suggest you consider what you would do in this situation before seeing my comments.
Every relationship begins with a struggle for power. Once the balance of power solidifies, it’s extremely hard to modify it. If you consistently find yourself in relationships that somehow grow uncomfortable after a while, the reason might be that you snoozed through the early power struggle and did not mold the relationship into a format that will be good for you.
In the quoted situation, the gentleman, let’s call him Jack, made a play for power and he played hard. Jack is trying to orient the budding relationship towards the state where the woman’s role is constantly to stay on her toes trying to figure out how better to service him. And he’s succeeding.
The woman, let’s call her Susie, is already dedicating time and energy to fretting, thinking, wondering how to engage with his family and service his needs. Is he doing the same for her, though? At this very moment, is he wondering, posting questions on his blog, asking his buddies, etc. how, when and whether to visit Susie’s grandma at the retirement home or help her father at his building project? Or is he just sitting there, concentrating on his own life, and waiting for Susie to solve his private dilemmas?
I’m sure Jack is not doing this on purpose (few people have the requisite self-awareness to do this in a calculated fashion), just like Susie is not turning into his emotional and social maid two seconds after meeting him purposefully. These are probably the roles they observed in their childhoods and are now imitating. But this model does not lead to joy. She will eventually feel exhausted and resentful, and he will grow distant, bored, and lose sexual interest in the Mommified partner.
So here’s what I would do. I’d drop the subject of the children altogether. They are his children it is his business to figure out how to inscribe them into his personal life, he should not be offloading this responsibility on anybody. The only situation where I would consider allowing my partner to involve me in the care and management of his family is if I were getting something massive in return.
I would also start reorienting the narrative of the impending visit from “Susie is eagerly looking for ways to please Jack” to “here is how Jack and Susie are trying to figure out how to please Susie during her vacation.” Develop a hobby, a dietary preference, a health condition, a personal drama and set him the task of accommodating these complexities during the visit. Susie’s “facets” are just as important as Jack’s, and he should be reminded of this.
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