I just read the following statement at Nina Mishkin’s blog:
It’s generally not a good idea to share romantic and sexual history with one’s current partner.
And now I’m wondering if this is a cultural or a generational difference because I can’t even imagine building a relationship without knowing my partner’s past in every sense of the word. You can’t know a person if you don’t know their past, so why deprive oneself of knowledge because of misplaced jealousy towards their existence before you?
Every generalization has its exceptions, as the next sentence and the rest of the blog post from which you’ve extracted this sentence makes clear. Perhaps it’s somewhat misleading to pluck a sentence out of context? 🙂 However, taking your point as presented, most people involved in a love affair may not be quite as rational as you. Jealousy of past partners may be misplaced, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Why rock the boat?
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If there ever was an irrationally jealous person on this planet, that’s me. 🙂 But discomfort and vulnerability are the price we pay for profound relationships.
I didn’t mean to offend with the quote. I thought it would help to start a discussion. The goal is not, of course, to reduce you to this single phrase.
No offense taken, Clarissa. You and N. are fortunate in having such a profound connection to each other. It’s my hunch that after our first great loves, into which we hurl ourselves completely, such extremely deep relationships may be the exception rather than the rule.
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“It’s my hunch that after our first great loves, into which we hurl ourselves completely, such extremely deep relationships may be the exception rather than the rule.”
-Why do you think that is the case? Should it be the case, if all parties involved are honest and up front about their past? I’ve never been in a relationship before, but it seems to me that not being up front can undermine the trust that’s been built. It’s a good way to nearly guarantee the end of a relationship, in my opinion (especially if this history was disclosed by someone outside of the relationship).
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I have no views to disclose, Pen, other than those based on long personal experience and the experiences of close friends who have confided in me. We each make our own way in the world, and not the way of another.
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I also don’t know if this is a cultural or generational thing, since I agree that full disclosure should happen. If anything, I think non-disclosure can potentially cause a lot of issues in the future, because then one gets the sense that one’s significant other has lied to them or somehow betrayed them.
I’ve observed that this comes up quite a bit in college relationships. A person thinks to hide their romantic or sexual history in order to keep their new partner happy. But if that new partner later finds out that maybe they’re classmates or even friends with someone with whom they’ve had some sort of history, it can open up questions of infidelity (or even questions of “how can you say you trust me when you didn’t tell me?”), or even STD’s. Better to find out from the partner, I think, than from someone else.
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Exactly. If a relationship is to develop and to continue, one has to engage with the actual human being that is the partner. And that human being is a product of a certain personal history. As we grow older, the history becomes longer and more complex, and that’s our cross to bear. 🙂
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I think some degree of disclosure is probably good, general outlines and most important bits of info, yeah those need to be mentioned if for no other reason to give the other person fair warning of red flags.
But full graphic detail seems like an intrusion on the other person’s privacy (and the privacy of those from former relationships).
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It’s one of those things where you should be honest when things come up organically, but show some tact. For instance, there is no need to get very graphic.
My husband knows about all my important relationships from the past, and in general terms if I loved the person and why the relationship didn’t work out and how I felt about the whole thing, but it’s not like he knows about my ex boyfriend’s penis size, favorite bedroom maneuvers, and the like.
These are parts of my life experiences, and while it’s not a secret that they happened, they don’t really belong to anyone else.
Luckily, we don’t live anywhere near any of my or husband’s former flames, so it’s not an issue of repeatedly running into exes; I suppose if we did, things could get uncomfortable. Otherwise, the past is the past.
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I agree with the shaded wisdom of the last two comments.
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I would rather not know! I haven’t really analyzed why but it is a strong preference. STD test is something I would recommend regardless of whether or not the couple chooses full disclosure or not.
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A person who gives up too many details about previous relationships is effectively brining those people into their current relationship which makes things crowded.
Two people is hard enough, adding in a couple more on each side doesn’t make anything easier.
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Two of my favorite bloggers discussing relationships! I think disclosure of the existence of previous serious relationships makes sense between two people who intend to share their lives as a couple. However, full disclosure need not be on the first date, or even in the first year. Getting to know each other is an ongoing process. I believe it’s appropriate to disclose the general nature of important past relationships, but usually not the details of sex.There is such a thing as “Too much information.”
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I agree that sharing sexual details is very manipulative.
And thank you for the compliment. 🙂
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You can’t know a person if you don’t know their past, so why deprive oneself of knowledge because of misplaced jealousy towards their existence before you?
It has never been so easy at any point in history to document the mundane details of your life so I suspect young’uns have a lot of online errata and detritus from their past relationships. That doesn’t mean jealousy doesn’t exist or that stuff doesn’t get elided.
Toss people with that increased ability to share things and keep them in a conservative sexual milieu and dating gets incredibly weird. It’s like being in a small town.
I think some people don’t want to know and want a mutually preserved illusion. That desire is not necessarily a generational/cultural thing. For a lot of people, partnership is a box to check off or an itch to scratch. That’s fine, as long as you’re clear on that. What’s exhausting is running into people who want unconditional acceptance of themselves but want you to maintain an illusion of yourself for their benefit.
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I wouldn’t go online to find out anything about my partner. I know I’m weird and that the first thing people do when they meet somebody is Google them.
But I removed myself from the only social network that N uses because I don’t want it to be like I’m spying on him. Everything I need to know about him, I need to know from him. And he doesn’t read my blog for the same reason. We never talked about it. This is just a feeling that you have to give the person their space.
This is one reason I love N so much. He is sensitive to the areas where I need my space without me having to say anything.
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
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