Products that have been salted, cured, or otherwise processed to enhance flavor are “carcinogenic to humans,” the Paris-based International Agency for Research on Cancer (IARC) found in its report, published in the Lancet Oncology. That puts processed meat in the Group 1 carcinogenic category alongside substances like tobacco, alcohol, and plutonium. And non-processed fresh meats like beef, pork, and lamb, among others, are “probably carcinogenic to humans,” the agency said.
The solution seems to be either to stop eating altogether or to just inject some polonium and be done with the whole thing already.
I’m trying to come up with things that are still OK to eat, and for now my list has one item: lettuce. Everything else will cause immediate painful death, it seems.
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