Condolences

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Clarissa

December 7, 2016

I only just now found the presence of mind to read the sympathy card students had signed for me after Eric’s death. Only took me 3 years 3 months and 2 days. And. . . I wish I hadn’t read it. Two of the signers wrote something like “I know this must be hard [seriously? you are sure you do know?] but [so not a good word to use when expressing condolences] God has a plan for everything, blah blah.”

It’s one thing to say something like that who is a very close friend and you know for an absolute fact they will welcome it. But in any other situation, it’s beyond condescending and dismissive.

I’m not writing this to be bitchy 3 years after the fact but to point out that “I’m so very sorry for your loss” is much better than yes-butting somebody else’s grief or dismissing it because of the religious beliefs people might or might not share.

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17 responses to “Condolences”

David Gendron

December 7, 2016

We would not send a sympathy card after an abortion, so why a sympathy card, indeed?

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1. Clarissa
  
  December 7, 2016
  
  Very funny. What a great subject to crack jokes.
  
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  1. David Gendron
    
    December 7, 2016
    
    No joke.
    
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    1. Clarissa
      
      December 7, 2016
      
      Let me change your life forever by providing an answer. Do you understand the difference between having sex and being raped? Having sex is something you want and being raped is something you don’t want. So people feel bad for you in the second case but not in the first.
      
      Now ask yourself what problems blind you to this very obvious difference.
      
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      1. David Gendron
        
        December 7, 2016
        
        Abortion is not a funny thing.
        
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2. Shakti
  
  December 7, 2016
  
  It really depends.
  
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  1. Shakti
    
    December 7, 2016
    
    David:
    There are circumstances in which it would be appropriate to send a sympathy card for an abortion and such a card would be welcomed. For example, if you knew your friend wanted the pregnancy and then discovered a birth defect incompatible with life, would that not merit sympathy just as a miscarriage would?
    
    I can’t believe you’d question why Clarissa’s students would send her a sympathy card. She lost her baby.
    
    Clarissa:
    I’m sorry that your students said a platitude to comfort but that hurt you instead.
    
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    1. Clarissa
      
      December 7, 2016
      
      “For example, if you knew your friend wanted the pregnancy and then discovered a birth defect incompatible with life, would that not merit sympathy just as a miscarriage would?”
      
      I know somebody who was in this situation. It was so horrible. 😦
      
      Normally, people don’t find it that hard to distinguish the situations that merit sympathy.
      
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    2. David Gendron
      
      December 7, 2016
      
      Shakti, in fact, I have no problem with sympathy cards in any case of an abortion. I’m pro-abortion, but this is not an easy thing to do.
      
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Robert Basil

December 7, 2016

David, Unbelievable comment.

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1. David Gendron
  
  December 7, 2016
  
  Unbelievable, Trump is the President.
  
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  1. Evelina Anville
    
    December 7, 2016
    
    David: take a breath and stop what you are doing. Just apologize for being insensitive and stop defending and obfuscating.
    
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    1. David Gendron
      
      December 7, 2016
      
      As I said to Shakti: I have no problem with sympathy cards in any case of an abortion. I’m pro-abortion, but this is not an easy thing to do.
      
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Evelina Anville

December 7, 2016

That’s awful. I’m sorry. I don’t know if it helps but I’m sure the students were trying to be kind. Young people are awful at offering condolences. Actually most human beings are awful at offering condolences come to think about it. I think people get scared and nervous and don’t know what to say. So they end up saying too much or saying too little or saying something boneheaded and then they inadvertently hurt those who are already hurting. I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling. 😦

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Vic Crain

December 7, 2016

I’m rather surprised you received cards at all. People (at least in the US) have little experience in writing them; it’s not something they are trained to do or that parents teach. You’ve talked about how bad their grammar can be, but people seem to lack the basic skill to understand another person’s perspective. If they could do that, they would know what to write. What they mostly write are emails and tweets which tend to be impersonal, insensitive and (perhaps redundantly) thoughtless. So you got cards that reflect what they know how to do.

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1. Clarissa
  
  December 7, 2016
  
  Hey, I had a colleague who’s older than me and who called me 4 weeks after the funeral to yell at me about how I was inconveniencing her with my son’s death. So it’s not just the young people.
  
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cliff arroyo

December 8, 2016

“read the sympathy card ”

I would probably never be able to actually read it (maybe glance at it but not look at closely enough to read anything) for a similar reason – the chances of taking comfort are too small compared to the the odds of reacting to probably well-intentioned but wrongheaded things that they might write.

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