I completely understand your feelings, believe me, I do, but unfortunately, there’s absolutely nothing you can do. They are co-dependent, and it won’t help anybody for you to join the co-dependency.
An addiction within a marriage is part of the marriage. For some reason, they both need him to be addicted.
I recommend gently removing yourself from discussions about the marital issues so that your friendship doesn’t become about their dysfunction.
I don’t think I agree. Friends can do a lot to make things worse, perhaps unintentionally. People don’t exist in a vacuum, they exist in society, and friends form an important part of that society. Friends can, for example, tell their friends that getting divorced is shameful and wrong. Or they can tell their friends that getting divorced is awesome and why is she still married to this loser. Or tell them that divorce sucks but sometimes needed.
Friends can offer to help take care of kids…or not offer to do that. Friends can offer to help financially or not offer to help. Friends can tell their friends that their feelings matter, or tell their friends that their feelings don’t matter and money/materials matter more. Friends can also encourage their friends to stay with the addict for social appearances sake and then have an affair on the side. Lots of possibilities!
-YZ
These are not just any friends. We are talking about addiction. An addict is possessed by his addiction. And so are the co-dependents.
Any other situation I would agree with you but addicts are in their own universe that can’t be accessed unless you also become a co-dependent.
That and physical abuse are two perverse arrangements where any outsider who tries to play the savior will be used up and spit out.
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Slightly off topic from helping friends now, but do you think addiction to work or hobbies “counts” as a real addiction for the purposes of this discussion? the self-help literature seems to characterize those kinds of compulsory behaviors as addictions. I’m…skeptical.
-YZ
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No, I don’t see a good analogy either. It’s like the ridiculous idea of “sex addiction” that is supposed to explain and excuse people who cheat in marriage.
Dependence on a substance that doesn’t naturally occur in a human body is nothing like an “addiction” to a hobby. Absolutely, it can be excessive or can be used as a mechanism of avoiding an issue you are experiencing. However, a hobby is a healthy compensatory mechanism while substance abuse is an unhealthy one. In case of a hobby, a person uses inner resources to compensate. In case of substance abuse, he puts an external, highly noxious substance into his body.
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“the ridiculous idea of “sex addiction” that is supposed to explain and excuse people who cheat”
And it doesn’t even have a stable meaning… the guy in the second season of White Lotus who claims to have a ‘sex addiction’ has nothing of the kind. It’s a plain old madonna-whore complex… (which is never actually addressed).
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Psychologizing everything is at the root of this problem. Everything needs to be a pathology, an addiction, a phobia, a condition, and a diagnosis. Suddenly, character flaws and personal qualities disappeared, and it’s all diagnosable and in need for treatment. Ta-da! Everybody is a lifelong patient. Mission accomplished.
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Definitely. If you are close enough that you know it would go well, I think it’s a great idea.
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Melanie Beattie, the author of “codependent no more” was divorced four times. Unless you’re talking about a different book, not sure how someone who would prefer to stay married/make things work/comes from a different culture would respond to advice coming from someone who “failed at marriage” over and over.
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I don’t know the author and haven’t read the book but the issue isn’t this specific book. It’s whether to communicate to the friend that she’s codependent. Use another book, a postcard, a text message, whatever. Or don’t use anything at all. Just don’t try to become part of a triangle where you are trying to be the savior. It won’t do any good.
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
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