Clarissa's Blog

First of all, the great thing with children is that, for as long as everybody is living, the concept of “too late” doesn’t apply.

The second important point is that you didn’t damage your children. General bad behavior at these ages means they are trying to get you plugged into them. It’s not the amount of time you spend around then that will work but the intensity of the plug-in. If you have only two hours after work to plug into them, that’s good. It’s much better than spending all day glued to them physically without the plug-in. Put away the device, access the depths of your self and open it up to them. Be massively present in the moment.

If they are acting up in these bad behaviors, it’s a good sign. They want you and your attention. This means you are a good, valuable parent. Children are very smart. They don’t demand attention from a bad parent. A bad parent is dangerous to them and they sit very quietly, trying to attract no attention. All you need to do is learn to open yourself to them in a way that’s enjoyable to you. Your guilt and anxiety don’t help them.

Start small. Do 20 intense minutes of goofing around, ideally doing something physical. Imagine yourself as a power cord that’s connected into an outlet. Channel your attention and energy into them. You’ll know it’s working when you feel that this is really you, your actual deep self is coming out and connecting to them. Don’t manage the symptoms (i.e. specific bad behaviors).

Another good exercise is to imagine yourself as a jug filled with love and attention. Pour the contents into the three little cups that your children are. The cups are bottomless. You’ll never fill them completely. Do as much as you can.