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Incredibly Stressful

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Clarissa

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Such a difficult thing, struggles, incredibly stressful.

What do these people do when something that actually is difficult happens? Also, once they have gotten into the habit of hyping up the “incredibly stressful struggle” of thinking of what to make for dinner, they can’t trick their minds into not believing the hype. The mind believes what you tell it to believe. They will end up being incredibly stressed because they told themselves to be.

This is a very self-defeating strategy. Why employ it if you can do the exact opposite? Tell yourself that you love choosing what to make for dinner every day. Repeat it for a couple of weeks. Inhabit the feeling of deep enjoyment, and that’s it. It’s done. From then on, you’re going to be a person who derives great joy from choosing what to make for dinner.

Why are people not doing that? Do they not know how to do it? That seems hard to believe, because the road towards the great joy of choosing what’s for dinner is exactly the same as the road to the great stress of choosing what’s for dinner. Are they that addicted to the image of themselves as hassled and overwhelmed?

I’m neck-deep in household chores since we came back from church today. The joy I derive from these chores is intense, not because they are particularly pleasant, but because, since I have to do them anyway, I decided it makes more sense to enjoy them than not. But if I told myself that I’m incredibly stressed by them and this is all extremely difficult, then yes, I would be incredibly stressed.

There are many situations in life where we cannot avoid incredible stress. In view of that, doesn’t it make sense to not talk yoursef into misery in simple daily situations where no misery is necessary?

22 responses to “Incredibly Stressful”

  1. Occasional Reader Avatar
    Occasional Reader

    I think meal planning is one of the great joys of life. Such an opportunity to be creative, to research different foods, and to try new things or to visit well-loved family favorites. I love cooking itself too. But its the planning that is most pleasurable. I don’t understand not enjoying it.

    But…even if you don’t enjoy it cooking or planning meals….. I don’t understand this mindset of falling apart because sometimes might be a bit boring/ annoying/ not one’s favorite. For instance, I don’t particularly like vacuuming. But I like the effects of vacuuming and having a beautiful place. So I vacuum. Its not stressful….just a slightly annoying task that I get through in order to gain a lovely and peaceful living space. In what way are these small duties “struggles”? This strikes me as a very new way of thinking. I don’t think people fell apart at the prospect of basic home and life maintenance 20 or even 10 years ago.

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    1. Avatar
      Anonymous

      Sometimes how you feel about the task may depend on people you cook for. If they are difficult to feed, and you feel that no matter what you do they don’t appreciate the result, it can be stressful. Having to deal with an upset family member after you try to cook something different is not pleasant. I can understand why a person can find it stressful. Obviously, the problem is not the food planning or preparation but something else. It is, however, easier to blame the task…

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Clarissa Avatar
        Clarissa

        That’s a good point. If there is some sort of a family dynamic in the background, that is poisoning the entire process. It’s very possible that it will be very stressful, but people need to be honest with themselves. The problem is unsolvable if one blames it on the cooking instead of looking at the actual dynamic.

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      2. xykademiqz Avatar
        xykademiqz

        This has been my experience. Between my husband’s food intolerance (developed with age), one kid’s allergies, and all the food that they will eat but grudgingly so, feeding my family can be quite frustrating. It’s a rare meal that everyone thoroughly enjoys, and I rarely cook some of my own favorites (like really spicy food or meatless meals) because no one else eats them and I’m not a short-order cook.

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        1. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          Quite frustrating is absolutely right. It’s a rear parent who doesn’t know the feeling of profound annoyance when the kid says, “Mommy, I’m hungry,” but when you ask, “What would you like to eat?” the answer is, “I don’t know.” Or better yet, ” food!”

          But “quite frustrating” is a very different situation from “incredibly stressful.”

          By the way, my own choice, if I could cook whatever I want for myself, would also be very spicy food or meatless meals. Even in this, we have a lot in common. 😆😆

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          1. xykademiqz Avatar
            xykademiqz

            “But “quite frustrating” is a very different situation from “incredibly stressful.”

            You make an excellent point here. “Quite frustrating” implies that the task must be done and the doer is at peace with the necessity, but it’s not going smoothly and various efforts to smooth it out keep getting thwarted—hence the frustration. “Incredibly stressful” implies a cruel and unwelcome imposition, something the person experiencing it definitely hasn’t resigned themselves to or accepted as important or necessary. There’s an underlying petulance to calling all boring, tedious, annoying, frustrating, or otherwise unenjoyable parts of normal human existence “incredibly stressful.”

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            1. Clarissa Avatar
              Clarissa

              Reminded me of a student who once wrote that she experienced terrible hardship in life when she got a B instead of an A. But when a very young person does it, it’s kind of cute. In middle age, it becomes a lot less endearing.

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              1. xykademiqz Avatar
                xykademiqz

                LOL Reminds me of a student who sent me an incensed email at the end of the semester, stating that having received an AB in my (large, undergraduate) class was the most unfair experience of his life. 🙄

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              2. Clarissa Avatar
                Clarissa

                😆😆😆

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  2. methylethyl Avatar
    methylethyl

    I think they just lack experience. I remember that being stressful back when I was young, had babies in the house, and didn’t have decades of experience at getting dinner on the table. We were, however, blessed by being flat broke at the time. So there was no “let’s just get takeout” option. If I didn’t cook something, we were going to have tuna and crackers every night.

    I can’t say it fills me with joy: it’s just a thing I’m reasonably competent at by way of tremendous repetition. I’ll have to try your affirmation strategy 🙂

    For people stressed about it: learn one basic main dish that everybody likes. When you cook it (assuming it’s amenable, like pizza, chili, or shredded taco chicken), make twice as much as you need and freeze the excess. Now you have a backup plan for that one evening when you got home late or you tried something new and it was awful, or dinner got burnt. You still cooked it. It’s still an OK dinner. It costs a small fraction of DoorDashing something.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      That’s an excellent suggestion. People keep saying that they have no idea how to avoid DoorDash, but honestly, it’s not that hard. It’s not only the money aspect of the whole thing. Given how bad food at restaurants has become, one is putting one’s health at risk by door-dashing on a regular basis.

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      1. Clarissa Avatar
        Clarissa

        This is the definition of neurosis:

        https://x.com/cottage_st3w/status/2114437948321964325

        Nobody ever asked their wife and mother to come up with 365 different meals and make sure that if anything gets repeated, it’s only once a month. Nobody is standing over these women with a calendar, checking how much time passed since the most recent pasta with tomato sauce. Can you imagine this conversation? “Mom, pasta again? Didn’t we just have pasta 3.5 weeks ago?”

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        1. methylethyl Avatar
          methylethyl

          Haha, yeah. The kids would be pleased as punch if we had the same five dinners forever. We are the ones who want more variety.

          Liked by 1 person

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      2. methylethyl Avatar
        methylethyl

        Aye. I cannot comprehend the chronic doordash thing. At that price, why not just hire a cook to come and do a week of meal prep for you one day a week? I used to know a lady who did that as a business: as soon as you’re selling food from your own kitchen, there are a whole bunch of ridiculous and impossible-to-comply-with regulations, but you can get around a lot of that if your business model is: I’ll do your week’s grocery shopping, and then I’ll come to your house and cook/prep all of it, divide it into meal-sized portions, and stow it in your fridge/freezer. No tipping, no takeout trash, and you’re supporting local entrepreneurship instead of an exploitative gig franchise.

        Liked by 1 person

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        1. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          Exactly. That’s what intelligent people are doing. My sister travels a crazy lot for work and doesn’t like cooking anyway, so she did exactly what you describe. It’s costing a lot less, and it’s enormously healthier than habitual door dashing.

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  3. Avatar
    Anonymous

    I love this so much.

    Recently someone told me he didn’t like the feeling of being full after eating. Such a thought had only ever come to me after very very large meals. I am trying to think that way now when I eat normal meals to help control my food intake. I think it’s working!

    A.

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  4. Avatar
    Anonymous

    I read the X post linked in these comments. The woman has three kids under three plus the bonus child – her diabetic husband who wants low carb meals and doesn’t like leftovers. He sounds like a douche and she is over -accommodating him, which is her choice I guess. She is really overcomplicating things.

    A.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      If the kids are under 3, there’s not much cooking involved because they don’t have sophisticated palates at that age and just want to eat pasta all the time.

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  5. cliff arroyo Avatar
    cliff arroyo

    “the “incredibly stressful struggle” of thinking of what to make for dinner”

    My take is that this is…. ta da! More neoliberal subjectivity. Many women (not all but many, maybe most) need a certain amount of daily stress to overcome and look for the daily routine as a source (hence all the drama about the ’emotional labor’ of housework or childrearing).

    Stressing out over dinner planning and dramatizing the need for Slop on Wheels is a sad attempt to create the conditions under which many women thrive (balancing drama and conflict within the household and keeping things going smoothly).

    I’m reminded of a comment about unhappy single young women from decades ago that seems somehow appropriate (paraphrasing) if they were married with a couple of kids they’d be too busy to notice that they’re unhappy.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      It’s exactly like academics. They create incessant drama over something that they’re writing. It goes on forever. They involve numerous people, and it’s performative business. Maybe they end up publishing an article every year and a half. But people who publish a lot see it as a run-of-the-mill thing, require no drama, and just simply sit down and do it. This performative business is their way of signaling their value to the market. Of course, the market remains completely indifferent.

      Liked by 1 person

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    2. methylethyl Avatar
      methylethyl

      “emotional labor” complaints are just… people who require external validation for everything, even after they’re not in school anymore. It’s sad that we program them this way, perhaps AI can be employed to be their cheering section when they become adults and nobody is praising them for brushing their teeth every day, or issuing them a report card and little gold stars for completed work. (shrugs) Probably would be better if they could develop internal validation/locus of control and figure out how to grade their own work and still be proud of it. Not everybody seems to want this.

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  6. bluebird of bitterness Avatar
    bluebird of bitterness

    When I had to feed six people every night, and my husband was working himself half to death trying to support six people on one income, it was stressful. Having several fussy eaters in the family didn’t help. But now that we’re empty nesters, cooking is a breeze. My husband isn’t fussy at all, he doesn’t demand a lot of variety, and he doesn’t mind leftovers — in fact he loves them. I thank heaven that I didn’t marry someone who expects a fancy multi-course banquet every night, or feels affronted if he’s served the same dinner twice in one month, or turns his nose up at leftovers. I think one of the reasons my mother died so young was that she was married to one of those.

    Liked by 2 people

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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