Tag: divorce

Divorce

~ Clarissa ~ 43 Comments

When I was considering getting a divorce, I had an endless list of arguments against this decision. I was in a new country, and it was terrifying to be alone in a very strange new reality. Financially, it would be ruinous. I had grown up in a relationship with this guy (I was 16 when we met) and I had no identity outside of our relationship. I’d learned to think of myself in terms of “we” and the idea of becoming simply an “I” was terrifying. I felt ashamed of becoming a divorcee at the age of 22. Emotionally, I knew that it would be devastating.

There was, however, one very strong argument in favor of getting divorced. Every person deserves to be in a relationship where they feel joyously, ecstatically, overpoweringly happy, I thought. You never know whether you will find that relationship after you get divorced, of course. But at the very least, we all deserve the right, the chance and the freedom to look for it.

Life without love or the possibility of looking for love is a sad life, indeed.

So I got divorced and it was even more painful, ruinous, traumatic and devastating than I’d thought. If you haven’t been through a divorce, then you are not likely to understand how difficult it is. Even if the relationship was completely dead, even if you couldn’t wait to be out of it, even if it was 100% your choice to get divorced, even if there are no children involved, a divorce is always tragic.

I never regretted it, however. Even at the lowest points when it seemed that I was scarred for life and would never get over it, I felt extremely grateful to myself for having found the strength and the courage to leave. As painful as a divorce is, it is always better than the realization that you are doomed to spend the rest of your life – your one and only life! – in a relationship that brings you no joy.

Alimony

~ Clarissa ~ 15 Comments

I passionately believe that everybody should pay child support to their children, irrespective of everything, including the circumstances of conception.  People who don’t support their underage children are the vilest cockroaches I can imagine.

However, when I hear of “spousal support” or alimony to former wives and husbands, I’m appalled. What is it with the idea that one able-bodied individual should support another able-bodied adult because they used to have sex together? This is just ridiculous.

The argument that a person should be entitled to “the same standard of living” upon divorce as they had while being married is patently ludicrous. Say, a person gets accustomed to a very vigorous and regular sex life in marriage. Should the partner who decides to leave them be obligated still to have sex with the partner who is being left to maintain the same standards of sexual satisfaction in the abandoned ex-spouse?

Look what Wikipedia has to say on the subject in what concerns the US:

In Massachusetts, Mississippi, Texas and Tennessee, for example, there are 135 Appellate cases in addition to 47 sections of State Statute that shape divorce law. As a result of these Appellate Cases, for example, Massachusetts and Mississippi judges cannot order an end date to any alimony award. Most alimony awards in the states are made for life usually regardless of the length of the marriage or civil union (for marriages or civil unions over 10 years).

No end date? For life? What is this if not a blatant attempt by the government to coerce people into not getting divorced?

I think that there should never be any question of people paying a dime to anybody they used to be married to after the separation and the divorce. And I say this as a woman who was a struggling student when she got divorced from a man who was extremely highly paid (I mean, seriously, very very highly paid) at the time.

This isn’t about child support, of course. Child support is sacred. But alimony must go.