Tag: psychology

Q&A: Amorous Accounting

~ Clarissa ~ 12 Comments

Here’s the thing.

Who’s doing the counting and for what purpose?

You know what’s in your heart. Are you living in the marriage of your dreams? Clearly not if the question comes up.

What counts, what doesn’t count are childish questions. An adult would ask, why isn’t my personal life working? How can I improve the situation? Where am I failing and why? That you even formulated the question this way is a huge red flag. This is not how adults think about themselves.

I highly recommend looking into what keeps you trapped in the childish persona. That is probably the root of the problems, be they personal or professional.

There is a connection between these “emotional affairs” and psychological immaturity. The participants need to feel that they have transgressed the mandate of a strict adult. It’s a teenage rebellion of sorts. There’s no strict parent any more but they still need the dynamic because they don’t know how to manage their lives as adults, without fear of punishment and occasional clandestine sorties into the freedom they see as forbidden fruit.

Night Owls

~ Clarissa ~ 5 Comments

People who didn’t have much privacy and were too severely controlled in childhood often end up being habitual night owls. Nighttime feels comfortable because it’s the only time they weren’t policed.

Psychological Insight into Maturity

~ Clarissa ~ 12 Comments

People said they wanted psychological insights. OK, I’m happy to oblige.

If you are over the age of 30, you shouldn’t be having emotions when somebody criticizes a lifestyle that happens to be yours. If a football player says that women should be into childbearing above anything else or a random woman online criticizes men who carry water bottles, it’s perfectly normal to joke, shitpoast, quote for clicks, etc. But if it actually upsets or angers you (and you know deep inside whether it does), that’s a sign that you are having a problem with reaching maturity.

Real adulthood is when getting upset that somebody doesn’t approve of your lifestyle sounds exotic. The locus of approval or disapproval moves inside. A mature individual has a system of values in place, and that system is impervious to strangers.

If you observe this issue in yourself, the solution isn’t to panic or feel bad about it. Trace which issue specifically knocks you back into a defensive, child-like role. The examples I gave, for example, speak to femininity/masculinity. Judging by the extreme reaction of many people to these recent scandals, this is a complicated issue for many. That’s fine, it happens. If you feel that this is a touchy subject for you, start asking yourself, “Why do I feel that I’m not in full control of this? Why do I find it threatening? What would it feel like to be confident enough in my choices that this kind of thing wouldn’t be threatening?”

When you are 24, and somebody says, “all women / all men should…”, it’s completely normal and healthy to get sore. If you are 34 and you still get sore over it, that’s not great. And if you are 44, you should really be over it big time. Beyond that age, I’m not even saying.

More on Repressing Anger

~ Clarissa ~ 16 Comments

The level of general ignorance about psychology is daunting, so I will explain further.

Everybody experiences anger. Some people find legitimate ways of releasing it. Others, however, were socialized from early childhood into believing that anger is not something they should ever allow themselves to experience. So they repress and often erect their incapacity to become angry into some kind of a moral badge of honor. In reality, however, all they do is drive themselves into a variety of severe health issues.

How do you recognize a person who represses anger? They nag, criticize, and are very controlling about small things. They are bothered by insignificant details of the actions, speech, clothes, manners, etc. of others. When something bad happens, they keep their emotions under control and act heroically. They repeat the phrase, “I never feel angry” often. When you meet a person like that, you need to know that this is a future stroke patient right there.

If you recognize yourself in this description, I recommend that you try to remember how your family members reacted to your anger when you were a small child. What did they say to you? Were you allowed to experience all of your emotions freely whenever and wherever they came to you? I promise that you will find your answer in those early childhood memories.

How I Lowered My Blood Pressure

~ Clarissa ~ 33 Comments

I want to preface this post by saying that I am not a medical professional and I do not dispense medical advice. All I’m doing in this post is sharing my own experiences. If you suffer from high blood pressure, please consult your doctor. Once again, I’m not trying to cure anybody because I’m not qualified to do so. I’m simply recording my experiences in my personal diary which is what this blog is.

I had my first spike in blood pressure when I was 24. I had no idea what was happening to me but it was really bad. It felt like I had an elephant sitting on the nape of my neck. Blood was pounding in my ears, I had trouble breathing, and my vision got impaired. My sister took me to the emergency room. This was in Montreal, so, as you can imagine, I had to wait in line for 6 hours to be attended, after which a sleepy nurse told me to go home and take a Tylenol.

Since then, I have, of course, figured out what the problem was. High blood pressure is hereditary in my family. Both of my grandparents on my mother’s side died from it at an early age. Both of my parents suffer from it right now. If you’ve read my recent post on salo, you probably realize how our traditional Ukrainian diet contributes to the high rates of BP problems in our country.

My BP was high all the time but not to the point where it would interfere with my life. Several times a year, however, there would be a spike in my BP and then I’d be rendered useless for as long as it stayed high. A moment came when I was practically immobilized by high BP for almost six weeks. It was a full-blown and protracted hypertensive episode. That was when I realized that if I didn’t want to become an invalid at such a young age, I needed to do something.

As you probably know, I’m very anti-drug. (Again, I, me, myself. Not other people, just me). I refuse to be on any kind of medication that I’d have to take on a permanent basis. So I used the non-medicinal means at my disposal and am happy to report that my BP has been at around 120/80 for over a year now. (I have a monitor at home and recommend that every BP sufferer get one.)

The most basic things you can do are changing your diet and lifestyle. Here is just a small list of what one can do (feel free to add your own suggestions):

1. The best forms of exercise for a BP sufferer are walking and swimming. Running and cardio can be very dangerous. People have had strokes while running, so this is something that should be approached very carefully and in consultation with a doctor. I recommend walking 10,000 steps a day. Buy a pedometer. I recommend this one because it is the most precise of all I have ever tried. Create a table and record how many steps you walked every day. Here is a random excerpt from my steps log, for example:

2. For breakfast, it is a great idea to eat steel-cut oatmeal. I mean the one you cook for 40 minutes, not the one that you get from a package and make by pouring hot water on top of it. I add flax seed, wheat germ and raisins to my oatmeal. It tastes horrible but I feel a lot better after every portion. Even a small portion of this oatmeal a few times a week makes a huge difference.

3. A small piece of very dark chocolate should always be at hand because it lowers high BP. Sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds (unsalted, of course) are also great. So is pomegranate juice. Fish, nuts, a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. Drink as much water as you can.

All of these measures, however, are purely cosmetic. They will work for a while but then your body will get used to them and the BP will start rising once again. I believe that there is no way you can deal with high BP productively and long-term if you don’t address the psychological cause of it. If you disagree with this statement, that’s fine. Go pop some beta-blockers, or whatever. This post is written for those who are interested in how I reduced my BP dramatically without taking any kind of medication even once.

The psychological cause of high BP is repressed anger (aggression, rage). In order to lower the BP, you need to learn to stop repressing and let the anger out in a way that will not, of course, harm anybody. Here are several suggestions on how to do that:

1. Create a phrase that expresses your anger and is meaningful to you. For example, “I hate you, you vile jerks and nasty pedophiles.” The goal is to yell it at the top of your lungs for as long as you need to feel exhausted. (This is not to be done in public, of course.) It will be hard because, remember, you are repressing the rage. So if yelling doesn’t just happen, start slow. Say this phrase in your mind. Then, whisper it. Then try to say it in a regular conversational voice. Then go louder, etc.

2. You’ll need to find a punching object. I recommend a pillow. Beat it until you are completely exhausted. Beat it and yell your phrase about the vile jerks or whatever. N. had his first and only spike in BP a while ago. He was under extreme stress because of something related to his visa and unemployment. I taught him this strategy of beating objects and yelling. He destroyed his keyboard, just trashed it completely. And his BP dropped immediately to a normal level.

3. Blogging does wonders for high BP. You have to write passionately, though. Writing many sincere, passionate, angry posts will help you with your BP and will also attract many readers. I should know, I’ve been doing that for 2,5 years.

4. Profanity is very good and helpful, too. (Once again, this is not to be done in public.) I’m lucky in that I can swear very inventively in a variety of languages, so when I do that in my office during times of stress, nobody understands what I’m saying and nobody has to suffer as a result.

5. Remember, this is something you are doing for your health, so there should be no shame attached to these practices. If you need to wriggle on the floor in a paroxysm of anger, yelling and beating your punching pillow (while being alone, of course), then just do it. Of course, if you feel like doing it around other people, this means you are not trying to solve your health issues but, rather, are being manipulative and abusive to others.

The most important strategy, of course, is to identify the source of your rage. This kind of anger takes years and decades to accumulate. Why do you repress anger so much? When and where did you learn to keep it inside instead of releasing it in legitimate ways? What pushed you to control your aggression so much?

Answering these questions is crucial for anybody who wants to lower their BP permanently.

I’m sorry that the post is so long. I just wanted to have all this information in one place so that people who need it can find it easily.

Things That Make Me Happy Today

~ Clarissa ~ 20 Comments

As part of the anxiety-battling agenda, I’m substituting the list of things I have to do with a list of things that make me happy today. At the end of the semester (or the calendar year), many people’s anxieties flare up. We are all constantly on a schedule, afraid we won’t be able to do all we need to do, and the avitaminosis kicks in at about this time, making everybody loopy and irritable.

So here are things that make me happy today:

1. We’ve got our first snow of the season! I love snow. I wish I could live surrounded by huge snow mounds all the time.

2. Our departmental meeting that was scheduled for Friday has been cancelled. I feel like a bad student who celebrates each class cancellation.

3. I’ve been asked to serve as a translator for the preface of the new book by my favorite Spanish philosopher. My name will appear right under his, which is huge for me.

4. I’ve just emerged from a very important committee where I managed to push through some very significant initiatives. I didn’t let senior colleagues intimidate me and achieved exactly what I wanted.

5. N is at his new job right now. He is probably playing table tennis during his lunch break. That’s one cool company if it provides table tennis (and also fresh fruit) to workers.

What makes you happy today?

P.S. I don’t want people to accuse me of bragging again, so maybe I need to show everybody how every point on this list can be used as an anxiety producing device?

Snow – the heating bill will go through the roof, and I need new boots => indigence, poverty, horror!

Translation of the philosopher’s preface – what if I fail and make an idiot out of myself? What if the philosopher thinks I’m stupid? => shame, humiliation, horror!

N.’s at work – what if he loses this job? What if I lose mine? => indigence, poverty, shame, humiliation, horror!

A Freebie for Trolls

~ Clarissa ~ 16 Comments

Dear trolls,

you keep leaving comments that are aimed at hurting my feelings. The problem is that you go about it in such a plodding, unimaginative way that you never achieve anything. I’m in a very good mood today, which is why I will share with you why your strategy is not working and how you could change it to be more productive in your labor.

Emotions always have an internal locus of control, which is why the source of every hurt and pain is always inside oneself. I know this is too complicated for you, trolls, so I will translate it for you. You can only hurt a person’s feelings by calling them a certain thing if that person has actively chosen to see that thing as hurtful. I understand that when you are dealing with a complete stranger, you project your own terrors onto him or her. But this is always a mistake because you are bound to meet somebody who is simply indifferent to all of the things that make you suffer.

This is why telling me that I’m:

a) ugly;

b) fat;

c) a Jew;

d) an autistic;

e) a typical academic;

f) old;

g) childless;

h) have bad hair;

i) an immigrant;

j) have no friends

serves no useful purpose for you. I don’t choose to invest these qualifiers with a negative meaning, which is why they cannot hurt my feelings. If you really want to hit me where it hurts, I have a freebie suggestion for you: remind me that I had an article rejected for publication in October. I still haven’t found a way to avoid feeling hurt by such things and I consider it a huge personal failing of mine that I feel this way about a normal part of an academic’s life.

Good luck in your trolling endeavors!

Talking to Myself

~ Clarissa ~ 26 Comments

If an uncomfortable, unpleasant situation persists in your life for a significant amount of time, the important thing to remember is that this situation would not have been possible without your active enabling. If you keep finding yourself in the same kind of victimhood, it means you need this victimhood for some reason. If people keep leeching off of you, if somebody continuously acts as a parasite towards you, this means you have enabled them and keep doing it because this is what you need. Without analyzing the roots of this need, the problem will not be resolved.

Anxiety and guilt devour our energy. The causes of anxiety and guilt are always internal. If we choose to retain them in our lives, it means they serve important purposes for us. Some of these purposes might be precisely to rob ourselves of energy because change and progress might be terrifying.

Today I declare the day of getting ourselves of parasites that devour our lives, our energy, our sense of self. Who is your parasite, and what profound need leads you to keep saddling yourself with him or her?

Children Take You Back to Your Childhood

~ Clarissa ~ 5 Comments

I don’t know why this happens but whenever I write a post on a subject, I start finding material for more posts on the same subject. Right after I finished writing my most recent post, I alighted on an article on parenthood that offered the following insight:

Children give the first four years of your life back to you.

This is a very important statement not only because it’s true but also because it explains very neatly why many people are terrified of having children. The first three years of our lives are crucial in that they lay the foundation of our personalities and of all the issues that will plague us in adulthood until we address them actively. Seeing a small child brings back to many of us the feelings that we had at that child’s age and that we have successfully repressed. The more we were traumatized by our earliest experiences, the more intolerable the sight of a small child will be. It’s one thing when the child in question is somebody else’s. Then, the anxiety can be dealt with, at least to a degree. However, seeing a child who is one’s own makes it difficult not to imagine it as a continuation of oneself, which makes one relive the traumatic early childhood experiences.

Through the Eyes of a Stranger: Where Do Bad Children Come From?

~ Clarissa ~ 36 Comments

One of the things that surprise me the most in North America is that people see upbringing and its results as completely unrelated. How many times have I observed in horror a TV show where parents of a teenage drug addict were being consoled by Dr. Phil, Oprah or any other psychobabbler of the moment with “I know you are good parents and you love your child.” And the audience is shedding tears of compassion for the poor good parents who are cursed by this messed up, addicted kid who had probably been dropped in the midst of this happy family from an alien spaceship.

Seriously, though? How can anybody be a good parent if the result of their parenting is so abysmal? Everything we do is normally judged by the results we manage to achieve. Will you thank a chef who slaves over your meal but sends you stinky, uneatable slop in the end? Will anybody tell me I’m a fantastic teacher if my students don’t speak a word of Spanish at the end of my language course? Will I celebrate the students who produce a garbled mess instead of a final essay at the end of the course? Will it change anything if they claim that they worked very hard writing it? Obviously not.

If the result of parenting is a kid with severe issues* like, say, extremely low-self esteem (which manifests itself in anorexia, bulimia, drug addiction, alcoholism, etc.), then how on God’s green Earth can anybody claim the parenting itself was anything but horrifyingly bad? If a teenager goes and shoots up a classroom, how does it make sense to pity his parents instead of questioning what they’d been doing to him all his life to get him to this point**?

I understand that this is a culture that values resourcefulness and self-sufficiency. I’m as much into the “pull yourselves by your bootstraps” mentality as the next person. The moment we reach adulthood, we can only blame ourselves for not handling our issues. But to expect this from a child or a teenager who, by definition, cannot have the freedom or the resources to take care of themselves is quite ridiculous.

The end result of a good upbringing is a genuinely happy, self-sufficient, socialized (not to be confused with sociable), mature individual. You can’t be considered a good parent if you are not even in the ballpark.

Then again, there is always television and video games to blame in case something goes wrong.

* Obviously, I’m not talking about the normal teenage moodiness and acting out. If anybody is interested, I can give my recipe of bringing up a moody, seemingly difficult teenager in a way that doesn’t make everybody’s life a total misery and produces great results. My teenager is now 29, so we can comfortably say that the results of the upbringing have manifested themselves in full.

** In the case of Columbine, this book makes the answer to this question abundantly clear without ever proposing to do so.