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On Low Self-Esteem

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Clarissa

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People think that it is possible to feed the beast of low self-esteem by accomplishing enough, by stuffing some huge and impressive achievements down its throat.

It doesn’t work this way, though. No matter how much money you make, how popular you become, how many accolades you receive, your low self-esteem will devour all that in a moment. And you will be left feeling small, miserable and worthless, trying to figure out where its next meal will come from.

Low self-esteem does not in any way depend on any external circumstances. Rather, no matter how you organize your reality, it will chew everything that surrounds you down, spit it out, and growl for more.

30 responses to “On Low Self-Esteem”

  1. Lear Avatar
    Lear

    I think low self-esteem can be forged in our brains by hearing so many times that you’re not good enough, particularly by our parents during childhood, but it could happen or be reinforced later by any other authority figure.

    The only way out, in my opinion, is reversing the association, either by working on some form of repetition that makes you accept yourself a la NLP, or by being in a supportive environment such as family or friends who accept you the way you are and by abandoning any social groups who might reinforce the pattern of acceptance based on performance.

    The more often transactions occur in which performance is not a requisite for being accepted the more likely is that your self-esteem will be increased.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      I agree with everything, except this part “by being in a supportive environment such as family or friends who accept you the way you are “. It is a huge mistake to think that others can resolve the issue of low self-esteem for you. No love and support from others can fill this deep deep hole. And expecting them to serve this purpose in your life is very very wrong.

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  2. fracturedangel Avatar
    fracturedangel

    Quite right. Your words echo many of my experiences. I used to be something of an overachiever. But my low self-esteem kept getting in the way, and eventually it toppled my achievements. In some ways, it could be said that I’m not a success now because I didn’t have much self-esteem. Not only does success not ease low self-esteem, but low self-esteem can destroy success. That idea actually didn’t occur to me until just now. Hmm.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      “Not only does success not ease low self-esteem, but low self-esteem can destroy success. ”

      -Exactly. A person might be standing on the stage clutching their Nobel Prize and still feel not good enough.

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    2. GMP Avatar
      GMP

      Not only does success not ease low self-esteem, but low self-esteem can destroy
      success.
      This is very true. Because true greatness, I think, requires a dose of fearlessness and abandon; people with a healthy self-esteem are able to approach their work this way, if they are passionate about it. In contrast, a smart person plagued by self-doubt can be an overachiever, but ultimately what drives them is not a boisterous curiosity but rather a profound emptiness, which in itself is a hindrance to fully unleashing their potential. (Talking from personal experience.)

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      1. fracturedangel Avatar
        fracturedangel

        That’s interesting. I’ve always been intellectually curious, and I think that did motivate me to an extent. But I’d agree that perhaps the desire to achieve, to prove myself to myself, was the biggest motivating factor. I have a friend who has a healthy dose of confidence, and she’s very successful. It’s because she’ll do what she wants and is confident about her choices. I’m somewhat envious.

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  3. Jennifer Frances Armstrong Avatar
    Jennifer Frances Armstrong

    Yeah, I had a sense of this recently on Facebook. It seemed to drift in on a current that accused me of evaluating myself too highly. This form of accusation has already worn thin. It used to be that I was considered to be overvalued (by myself? by others?) because I’d had a colonial upbringing. So many people considered it imperative to put me down into my proper place. They had to correct historical wrongs and make sure everything was in the proper order, presumably so that we could all then proceed ahead with a great deal of moral evenness in the world.

    Nowadays, I realise that life is what you make it. Even what starts out as a mundane experience can be made exciting, depending on who you are. There’s no posture in life that one can adopt in order to be morally appropriate.

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  4. Jennifer Frances Armstrong Avatar
    Jennifer Frances Armstrong

    Self esteem is not always the universal issue that determines failure or success, though. A lot of my failures are due to lack of emotional involvement. I just can’t seem to find an emotional connection that would enable me to make certain projects work. So they end up as failures. From this I’ve finally learned that it is very important to do only that which you are able to emotionally connect with. In my case, what I was able to connect with took a lot of time to learn. I can’t connect to cities or civilization very well, so if I invest myself in projects relating to these, they are bound to fail. I don’t think it makes sense to say if I had great self esteem, I could bridge the gap where there have existed no prior emotional connections. I used to think that way, but it is clearly wrong.

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  5. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    Self-esteem is one of those weird new agey concepts that I refuse to have anything to do with. It doesn’t exist in my life and I get along just fine without it. A lot of things that came out of the seventies, like ‘self-esteem,’ “spirituality,” and positive thinking don’t have any use in the real world.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      You can use any other words to refer to the phenomenon. It exists outside of your belief in it. In the same way, you can avoid believing that this planet revolves around the Sun. This will obviously not influence the planetary movement.

      When you say that you don’t date because you have no money for make-up, that’s evidence of extremely low self-esteem, for example.

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  6. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    That’s being realistic, not an example of low self-esteem. Guys don’t want to see a woman’s bare face early in the relationship. And being well-made up and well dressed shows that a woman is putting some effort into the relationship.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      Yes, this is precisely what I’m talking about. Abysmally low self-esteem that some people choose to mask as “being realistic.” And they are, indeed, realistic. Their reality reflects their miserable sense of self. 😦

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  7. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    By woman, I meant ‘any woman.’ Makeup is an essential part of life for a reason. Besides, showing my real face would make me vulnerable, and who needs that?

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      “Besides, showing my real face would make me vulnerable, and who needs that”

      – Another great example of what I refer to as extremely low self-esteem.

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  8. Monkeygirl Avatar
    Monkeygirl

    Oh I actually think that few straight men enjoy makeup that they noticeably see as makeup on a woman. They prefer the subtle kind you can’t see. Honestly, most men prefer a healthy glow of inner confidence and a bright smile and a personality they get along with. A woman who feels comfortable with herself, which is really what we all want. Perhaps not the kind of comfort you get when you haven’t showered and you’re in your favorite stained sweatpants, but more of the comfort you get when you just feel good inside and have a bit of an extra swing to your walk, when you smile more easily because you’re happy. If makeup helps you feel that way, that’s great. I like a little bit myself. But its more about what makes US feel confident, rather than safely hidden and our vulnerabilities protected.There are some days when I’m wearing makeup, a nice outfit, my hair is set just right, I smell good. But I feel terrible inside and I know on those days I’m far less “attractive” than the days (which are many) that I spill something on my shirt on the way to work and my hair is frizzy from the rain, but I’m in a good mood and smiling and open to people.

    In terms of confidence, it is SO hard to find a balance between ego and id. Christopher Hitchens,for example, and many other overtly successful people, seem to have huge doses of confidence – too much sometimes – to the point that they become dogmatic and unable to doubt themselves or their opinions. Hitchens, for example, had many interesting ideas, many really bad ideas, some good points, and some raging misogyny. Maybe he could have done with a little less confidence about his opinions.

    I think all too often people who are smart, and sensitive, and introspective, also suffer from immense self-doubt.

    Especially academics. Wouldn’t you say?

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      ” Christopher Hitchens,for example, and many other overtly successful people, seem to have huge doses of confidence”

      -Katha Pollitt just published an article where she claims he was an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a sign of very low self-esteem and high insecurity.

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  9. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    Clarissa: That’s like saying the celts painted themselves blue because they were depressed. Ridiculous. Makeup is war paint. Cops don’t wear body armor because they are suffering from low self-esteem, they wear body armor because people shoot at them. Women wear makeup so they can get a leg up in the world and look beautiful and confident. The trick to getting along in the world is not to be yourself, but to come up with an appropriate version of yourself to show to the world.

    Monkeygirl: Oh god, you just described my nightmares. I’m absolutely anal about my looks, and I don’t go out, even for a jog, without brushing my hair. Hell, I showed up for a zombie walk with half-brushed hair. I’d have to go home and change if I spilled anything on my shirt. And I feel better hiding all my vulnerabilities away; I don’t smile at strangers, I don’t wave, and I just march to my destanation and march off again.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      “The trick to getting along in the world is not to be yourself, but to come up with an appropriate version of yourself to show to the world.”

      -Are you quoting all of this out of some psychology textbook that illustrates low self-esteem? 🙂

      For people who don’t have this issue, the world is not a war zone, they get along in the world by being themselves, and everybody loves them, adores them and celebrates them with or without makeup. And makeup has nothing whatsoever to do with confidence.

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    2. P. rhoeas Avatar
      P. rhoeas

      “Makeup is war paint”

      If you’re terrified of how other people are going to see you, which points to a more fundamental fear that you are not good enough to present yourself to the world as you are, then yeah, it is. That’s low self-esteem, like dictionary definition: you do not hold yourself in esteem. The New Age crap you mention is the idea that high self-esteem, like “positivity,” is some kind of prerequisite for success. It’s not, but it helps if you don’t want to die from od’ing on moonrocks like poor Chris Farley.

      Disclosure: I’m guilty of shit like this too. I’m working on getting past it.

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  10. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    I am not quoting anything.

    Are you on drugs or something? I mean, yeah, no one’s dropping bombs in my neighborhood, but that doesn’t mean that everyone around me is a good, law-abiding person. Since I can’t read their minds, I have to make sure to look and act confident and bad-ass. If they think ‘this person is going to mess me up if I mess with her,’ they’ll leave me alone.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      ” I mean, yeah, no one’s dropping bombs in my neighborhood, but that doesn’t mean that everyone around me is a good, law-abiding person. Since I can’t read their minds, I have to make sure to look and act confident and bad-ass. If they think ‘this person is going to mess me up if I mess with her,’ they’ll leave me alone.”

      – Now I’m really curious to see that make-up that helps you chase away criminals. 🙂 🙂

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  11. A. L. Avatar
    A. L.

    hm, just me wondering *who* defines this soc. (“high/low/boiling-frog”…)
    self-esteem ?

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  12. Jennifer Frances Armstrong Avatar
    Jennifer Frances Armstrong

    I don’t worry about much at all. My skin is thick. But one fundamental issue that terrifies me is my tendency to “drop stitches” — not to be able to put the correct emphasis on other people’s meanings and intentions in this culture. Middle class culture frightens me because I can’t always respond with enough subtlety to other people’s politicking. Australian middle-class feminine culture has a particular way about it that I simply don’t have any feel for.

    http://unsanesafe.blogspot.com/2006/11/dropped-stitches.html

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  13. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    Clarissa: Sorry about the last comment. It’s just every so often, you come out with something that sounds like a dispatch from a parallel universe. And it’s not just the makeup, it’s everything; the clothes, the attitude. I look like I know where I’m going and what I’m doing, and I keep my expression totally deadpan. As JFA can testify, a large component of martial arts is to convince your opponent that there never needs to be a fight in the first place.

    P.rhoas : I am not ‘terrified of how other people see me,’ I just prefer them to only see what I want them to see. It’s like a magic trick.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      ” It’s just every so often, you come out with something that sounds like a dispatch from a parallel universe.”

      -Would you like to bet that my universe is a lot more fun and hospitable than yours? We accept immigrants, so consider it. 🙂

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  14. Jennifer Frances Armstrong Avatar
    Jennifer Frances Armstrong

    Politicalguineapig :
    Clarissa: Sorry about the last comment. It’s just every so often, you come out with something that sounds like a dispatch from a parallel universe. And it’s not just the makeup, it’s everything; the clothes, the attitude. I look like I know where I’m going and what I’m doing, and I keep my expression totally deadpan. As JFA can testify, a large component of martial arts is to convince your opponent that there never needs to be a fight in the first place.
    P.rhoas : I am not ‘terrified of how other people see me,’ I just prefer them to only see what I want them to see. It’s like a magic trick.

    There’s a certain amount of truth to both the position above and to Clarissa’s. What self esteem is or what it isn’t — this cannot be set in stone. Much of what may seem to be a lack of self esteem on the surface of it can be an indication of its presence. There are many situations and relationships I avoid because I have self esteem. Yet, on the surface, this can look like avoidant behaviour.

    There is a certain amount of truth, then, to the fact that how one looks can be a form of self defence. My face has a totally different structure to it, these days, than it did in my youth. In some ways, the layer of facial musculature is a mask. It freezes and solidifies my general disposition. It doesn’t reveal subtle shifts so much, anymore. In another way, I wear my authenticity on my face much more clearly these days, than twenty years ago. Authenticity and a mask can be one.

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    1. bloggerclarissa Avatar
      bloggerclarissa

      I think that “authenticity” is a completely meaningless concept.

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  15. Jennifer Frances Armstrong Avatar
    Jennifer Frances Armstrong

    bloggerclarissa :
    I think that “authenticity” is a completely meaningless concept.

    It could be. Or not.

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  16. Jennifer Frances Armstrong Avatar
    Jennifer Frances Armstrong

    I have a tendency not to read philosophical positions very literally. I now discover that they can be read very literally and that perhaps this is the way most people read them. For instance, I bought a book on new age shamanism when I was writing my thesis. I’ve never considered this to be a particularly good book by any means. I was interested in the way it contextualized certain shamanistic motifs. I did not read the book as a whole, but to pluck these motifs out of their nesting place and refurnish them into my own world view.

    Nowadays, presumably because my social sophistication has increased (this is something quite apart from my intellectual sophistication), I realize that most people do not read books this way. A book like the one I’m referring to would more likely be read as giving very definitive solutions to the world’s problems. It would probably be seen, by most of its readers, as authoritative and proposing a well-defined system of action.

    This goes to show that I don’t read books in a very normal way. I pluck things apart so that the original meaning (in the book) because something else, perhaps more useful, within my head.

    Likewise, concerning the word, “authenticity”. My understanding of this term derives from objective sources, such as Sartre and other fine fellows. But, it doesn’t have their meaning. It has my own. I could explain that meaning. That would mean to explain my philosophy. Or, I could not explain it.

    I think if a concept has become meaningless, then words have also become meaningless.

    It may be meaningful or not to make them meaningless.

    One would have to know what you mean?

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  17. Politicalguineapig Avatar
    Politicalguineapig

    Clarissa: I’m good, thanks. I have fun in my own way. I plan and expect for the worst, in order to ensure that the ‘worst’ doesn’t happen, and so far, it hasn’t. That’s one of the main problems I have with the ‘positive thinking’ nonsense or the ‘people are all good at heart’ nonsense. That approach completely lacks common sense. It’s like living in an area prone to tornados or hurricanes and believing that they won’t hit one’s house, so the homeowner doesn’t need to know the proper precautions to follow during storms.
    For example, I live in a tornado prone area, but so far no tornados have touched down anywhere near me. Does that mean that I shouldn’t take precautions and seek shelter when I notice the warning signs? Nope. Could I repel a tornado by willing it away from me? Ha-ha, ha-ha- nope, and I don’t intend to try. Same thing with bad people; I can’t control other people, but I can control my reactions and implement a plan for dealing with them.

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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