Is Insecurity a Turn Off?

Published by

Clarissa

February 7, 2012

Reader Liz shared a link to an article that says:

Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN’T SEXY. IT’S A TURNOFF.

I think this is an interesting question. Is insecurity a turn off?

In my opinion, people who are turned off by the insecurities of others are usually very insecure themselves. When they see their partner doubt his or her own attractiveness, they become worried. “Have I chosen the wrong person?” they think. “If s/he thinks s/he is not that great, maybe s/he is right. Am I being a loser for sticking with this person?”

A very secure, confident person will not mind being with somebody who is not very secure. Such a person knows his or her own mind and could care less about what anybody thinks about his or her choices. If my partner thinks he is fat and ugly (which he very often does), this doesn’t influence my feelings for him because I know that he is neither.

“But an insecure person might start getting clingy,” people will say.

I can’t say that I see this as a huge problem because I’m very confident that I can protect my personal space and that I will never allow myself to be manipulated into doing anything I don’t want to do by somebody’s clinginess.

Different people are attracted by different things. It’s perfectly OK to see somebody’s insecurities as unacceptable in a partner. And it’s also perfectly OK not to mind if one’s partner is insecure.

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25 responses to “Is Insecurity a Turn Off?”

Miriam

February 7, 2012

I never saw insecurity as a turn-off, despite many attempts by my friends and family to convince me to see it that way.

Does it sometimes bother me when someone is constantly putting him/herself down? Yes. But it also bothers me when people sneeze loudly, ignore my text messages, or call it “soda” rather than “pop.”

You have to pick your battles.

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scratchy888

February 7, 2012

I think overconfidence or a bombastic attitude is a far greater turn-off than insecurity. I think there are all sorts of reasons that someone might feel insecure. One is immaturity: one doesn’t know everything there is to know about the world and one is aware of this. I’d say that kind of insecurity is very healthy. One has a sense that there is more to know or more to experience than one already knows or has experienced. This kind of insecurity is a sign of openness to future possibilities — and that is very attractive.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  February 7, 2012
  
  “I think overconfidence or a bombastic attitude is a far greater turn-off than insecurity. ”
  
  – Is that a hint? I’m now feeling kind of paranoid.
  
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Elizabeth Switaj (@EKSwitaj)

February 7, 2012

A lot depends on how the insecurity is expressed. I can deal with people who put themselves down. Sulking when I succeed, however, is a deal-breaker.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  February 7, 2012
  
  “Sulking when I succeed, however, is a deal-breaker.”
  
  – Oh yes. I left my ex-husband because he was into that.
  
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lamestllama

February 7, 2012

An emphatic yes here, overly insecure people are a turn off. But as scratchy888 says arrogant overconfidence is also a turn off. What is a real turn on is capable confident people. The cool thing about confident people is they do stuff (insecurity generally has no tangible outputs).

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1. Liz
  
  February 7, 2012
  
  I would say insecurity/mental illness can translate very well to the fine arts, actually.
  
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2. bloggerclarissa
  
  February 7, 2012
  
  “The cool thing about confident people is they do stuff (insecurity generally has no tangible outputs).”
  
  – Not true. Insecure people need to feed their low self-esteem constantly, so they often turn into huge overachievers because no success is really enough.
  
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  1. GMP
    
    February 7, 2012
    
    “Insecure people need to feed their low self-esteem constantly, so they often turn into huge overachievers because no success is really enough”
    
    Seconded. I am certainly like this, and I know a number of hugely accomplished people whose insecurity is a powerful driver.
    
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Titfortat

February 7, 2012

We all have our moments. 🙂

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scratchy888

February 7, 2012

bloggerclarissa :
“I think overconfidence or a bombastic attitude is a far greater turn-off than insecurity. ”
– Is that a hint? I’m now feeling kind of paranoid.

Not a hint. Just a very general observation. I can usually outwit those who think they know all their is to know. Those who keep an open mind show that they are able to entertain a multiple of perspectives. They’re the ones to watch out for.

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Liz

February 7, 2012

The first time I really remember thinking ‘wow!’ about my current boyfriend was when a few weeks after we met he responded to a simple ‘hello’ text message as such: “Oh hi. I’m sorry I haven’t texted you in a few days, I didn’t want to come off as too strong, and I wasn’t really sure if you wanted to talk to me or not. How are you? ”

I found his sincere insecurity to be absolutely endearing, and I still do. Of course everything has pros and cons, and extreme insecurity would be hard to handle. I’m sure to some people this text would’ve been a big turn-off, but to me it is just so darn cute (and you can’t convince me otherwise!!) 🙂

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  February 7, 2012
  
  “but to me it is just so darn cute (and you can’t convince me otherwise!!)”
  
  – On this blog, nobody will be convincing you otherwise. Or I will bite them :-)I think it was a very endearing text message, too.
  
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$fracturedangel Avatar$

fracturedangel

February 7, 2012

I realized that my own insecurity could be a turn-off when I was corresponding with a guy who was insecure. None of the reasons you mention were what bothered me. Rather, I found it irritating to have to reassure him all of the time. I feel horrible for saying that, as I would like reassurance myself at times. But it was as if it came out in almost every conversation we had. I was enjoying the conversation, and when he brought up his insecurity, it was jarring. I’m finding this kind of hard to explain. It was the tone more than anything else. For example, I’d bring up a topic. He’d say something about how he thought people viewed it as a dorky thing to like. This would have been endearing if he’d sounded excited to finally have the chance to talk about the topic. Instead, it was more like he was criticizing himself for liking those things. The reason that this irritated me wasn’t that I could see it as an extension of criticizing my own tastes; it was just that I found the comments disruptive.I used to behave like that in the past, and I’ve learned that I shouldn’t feel the need to sound apologetic–most people will not pillory me for my interests. In fact, I’ve observed that when people embrace their weirdness, others tend to somewhat admire them. Yes, I am insecure and it will come out from time to time. But it won’t be present in *every* interaction.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  February 7, 2012
  
  ” I feel horrible for saying that, as I would like reassurance myself at times. But it was as if it came out in almost every conversation we had.”
  
  – You don’t need to feel horrible at all. If you don’t feel like reassuring and prefer somebody who will reassure you instead, that’s perfectly fine.
  
  ” In fact, I’ve observed that when people embrace their weirdness, others tend to somewhat admire them.”
  
  – That is completely true.
  
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  1. $fracturedangel Avatar$
    
    fracturedangel
    
    February 7, 2012
    
    Interesting take. That gives me food for thought. I’ve always just like I should be willing to give something if I want to receive it. I don’t have a problem with reassuring someone; we’re all human and doubt ourselves sometimes. But I don’t want to reassure someone in every single conversation I have with them.
    
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FD

February 8, 2012

I don’t mind insecurity, but I mind when someone projects their insecurity onto me. Supplying reassurance is one thing but being used to provide reassurance (ala put-downs or undermining behaviour) is quite another.
I must admit though being asked to constantly provide reassurance would get very tiresome for me – everyone has their weak spots and most partnerships have an element of shoring them up for one another, but if I had a partner who was nothing but soft spots? It wouldn’t last long.

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David Gendron

February 8, 2012

It’s not a turnoff for Santorum’s wife!

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1. David Gendron
  
  February 8, 2012
  
  …and for many women yesterday!
  
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  1. David Gendron
    
    February 8, 2012
    
    …in Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota!
    
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2. P. rhoeas
  
  February 8, 2012
  
  Eh-he-he-he-heeeewwwwww.
  
  🙂 🙂 🙂
  
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  1. bloggerclarissa
    
    February 8, 2012
    
    People are very weird. I mean, how can anybody with a scintilla of brain matter support Santorum? I’m against Romney and Ron Paul, but at least, there are reasonable explanations of why some people support them. But Santorum? What??
    
    I’m baffled.
    
    In any case, he has no shot at the presidency. He is a Catholic and only the Dems are capable of voting Catholic.
    
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CK

August 28, 2012

I think your post misses the mark. IMO insecure behavior is a turn-off primarily because it is like a big and negative anchor. People who are always obsessing over their looks, weight, or WHATEVER can’t just relax and be happy with themselves; rather they often comment on and focus on the things they don’t like about themselves. Having to say “you look great” all the time or constantly coax them into doing things they’re resistant to doing (because of their insecurities) is draining; it’s almost like babysitting and consoling a weak little kid. To most people, this is not attractive.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  August 28, 2012
  
  You are talking about narcissists. Narcissism does often breed insecurity, you are right. But not all insecure people are narcissists.
  
  Of course, I agree that a narcissist you describe should be avoided like the plague.
  
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Insecurity and Narcissism « Clarissa's Blog

August 28, 2012

[…] CK left the following important comment I want to address in a separate post: I think your post misses the mark. IMO insecure behavior is a […]

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