. . . that had I written that motherhood is more scrutinized in this society than fatherhood because
– patriarchy
– the media
– women are victims
– women are conditioned by bad mean society
– women are something something many passive voice constructions
– men are bad fathers,
the post would have been a lot more popular.
Note how it is perfectly OK to criticize the patriarchy but not its number one product, the institution of housewifery.
I certainly don’t relate to the biologist turn in feminism. I have no way of understanding how the family structure has anything to do with the kinds of things I want out of life.
LikeLike
Such a different point of view, as always, if I’m reading you right. If I could afford to be “just a mother” (with a rich life (as I have) as an individual woman) I would. I have struggled with shame over this, though. In my circles, despite so many of the mothers I know working inside the home for no income, and some of the fathers doing that, I still feel pressure and guilt over my almost total absence of a desire to have “a career” or to spend my time making money. There’s very little in my world that supports the choices I’d make if I could afford it (though I mostly do what I want even though I can’t afford it). Where you find the acceptance of housewifery as a respected and honorable choice is a place I’ve never known. It sounds imaginary.
LikeLike
“Where you find the acceptance of housewifery as a respected and honorable choice is a place I’ve never known. It sounds imaginary.”
– You are an extremely lucky person, and I envy you. This is not a good place to be and anybody who believes it is imaginary is very fortunate.
LikeLike
It is imaginary for me, too, as are the privileges supposedly pertaining to my gender. I’ve never had them.
LikeLike
It’s not as much about whether you’ve had them but whether you’ve been victimized and cannibalized by those who are shameless enough to have and enjoy these “privileges”.
LikeLike
Definitely in the opposite direction.
LikeLike
My father was dominant in my original family, not my mother. But he had felt dominated by his mother, wrongly as it happened, or perhaps rightly, but she was suffering from post-traumatic grief, poverty and hardship and was perhaps not suited to motherhood, as I am also definitely not. In any case, my father’s misogyny was somewhat founded on his resentment against his mother and her hardships. I’ve been held responsible for her real or imagined offences against him all my adult life.
LikeLike
Hm. I don’t think it’s lucky. I think it’s another example of how divisive people can be about women’s roles. There is no answer that is “good enough.” For men, it seems quite simple. If they work outside the home (for money), they are doing the right thing. If they work inside the home (for no money), they are making a noble sacrifice.
Then again, I don’t want you to take from my words that I am one of the people who “blame patriarchy” for the lousy aspects of women’s lives.
It’s my position that when people began owning land (with the invention/discovery of agriculture) they also began considering women property (men and women both did). Women’s roles as “less powerful” in some senses were created then. No one knows why women became property and all genders have spent time since then negotiating different variations of those roles. One of my theories (not based in fact, only a guess) is that women being able to bear children made them seem pretty fucking powerful and that scared men so they did what they could to keep them less powerful. Women, in those days, were taking their time mostly bearing and rearing children so their priority/time wasn’t spent on keeping the kind of power that all individuals (regardless of gender) have within them. Most cultures got into the habit (that seemed like knowledge) that gender was binary and roles were defined by the monogamous child-full family unit where the man owned the woman and the woman’s job was to take care of everything about the family for no pay.
Anyway, I suspect my exploring theories and ideas without basis in much fact (some facts, but I won’t bother with citations here) will bug you. In any case, I find the topic interesting.
LikeLike
” For men, it seems quite simple. If they work outside the home (for money), they are doing the right thing. If they work inside the home (for no money), they are making a noble sacrifice.”
– Housewives and househusbands are all moochers, leeches and self-infantilizing creepos. I’ve lived with a househusband, so please let’s avoid accusing me of seeing these useless idiots as “noble.”
“Women, in those days, were taking their time mostly bearing and rearing children so their priority/time wasn’t spent on keeping the kind of power that all individuals (regardless of gender) have within them”
– Women who didn’t work only appeared as a very tiny segment of the population in very recent times. Throughout history, the absolute majority of women always worked.
“Most cultures got into the habit (that seemed like knowledge) that gender was binary and roles were defined by the monogamous child-full family unit where the man owned the woman and the woman’s job was to take care of everything about the family for no pay.”
– Again, this all happened very recently and in very limited social classes. Since the concept of a “child” is also very historically recent, the idea that an adult would do nothing else but sit around those non-existent children while her husband would be rich enough to afford this sort of strange entertainment makes no sense historically.
LikeLike
Two of my childhood friends became housewives, after having done university and worked for a while and all. It was what they wanted but they say it was a hard road to walk because there was so little social approval of this choice.
LikeLike
The self-infantilization is scary. A normally developing adult has no interest in “social approval of her choice.” One has to be bizarrely immature to complain that other adults are not applauding your “choices.” Especially choices that involve mooching off others.
LikeLike
I think some people feel the need for social approval if they have been traumatized, since as Judith Herman points out, understanding is the path to becoming re-assimilated to your society and its norms, after a period of going insane. Apart from this, it isn’t necessary.
LikeLike
People who choose to deprive themselves of social and professional realization become very sensitive to the minute details of what the neighborhood gossip says, how somebody looked at them, etc. Eventually, an intense concentration on these trivial issues drives them insane.
Just the other day I heard about an acquaintance who has suffered a psychotic break. It was prompted by some gossip another housewife shared about a friend of hers. This woman hasn’t done anything with her life for 20 years. And now she has gone crazy.
LikeLike
Yes, I’m sure this is quite possible. You get into a mode of greater and greater moral purification through narrow specialization, and then the pain of the sacrifice, if unrecognized, drives your crazy.
LikeLike
Oh yes. They love to persecute everybody they cannibalize and exploit with their “sacrifices.” Brrrr.
LikeLike
Yeah, but this is a problem with anyone who sacrifices, not just housewives.
LikeLike
Of course. Anybody who says, “I sacrificed X for you” should be immediately sent packing.
LikeLike
Of course that is true, but you can’t expect psychologists to figure that out. They think it is the definition of evil to hate something that has sacrificial motives.
LikeLike
Early morning arguments between a divorcee (mother) and her daughter:
Mom: Listen honey, I think that what you need to do right now is to learn how to tackle this very challenging situation, your dad’s disease and living on his own, your unemployment, your own emotional issues etc. You need to go to a therapist and be helped as to be able to make your decisions. By complaining, whining and crying you solve nothing!
Daughter: Mommmmmmmmmmm. Grllllllllll. I don’t need a therapist. What I need is going back to London tomorrow. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk!
LikeLike
“Honey, you’ve been playing with your friends for too long. It’s time to come back inside!”
“Am I tired, Mommy? Or cold?”
“No, you are hungry.”
LikeLike
My father died at 37yrs old in a car crash. My mother was left raising 3 kids from the age of 20months, 4yrs and 7yrs old. She was 31, returned to school, got a her MSW all while being a single parent. She had one child become a drug addict and one commint suicide. If you were to ask her now, she would tell you she would have loved to have remained a “housewife” for a few years longer. Unfortunately for her she didnt even get to have that choice feminism Clarissa talks about. Mind you, she is more Feminist than most of its supporters on the web who whine about the “Patriarchy”.
LikeLike
A conservative literary critic and college professor
Clarissa's Blog 
Leave a comment