There are many issues around raising a child that I still have to figure out but feeding is among the things that are crystal-clear to me. I know from sad personal experience that it is not a good thing to develop a deeply emotional relationship with food. There are too many people (especially in this overfed culture) who have an extremely unhealthy body image and a truly diseased relationship with food, and I want to spare my child this suffering.
So my philosophy of feeding is: let the the kid eat whatever, whenever, and however s/he wants. If s/he wants to eat once a day while hanging from the chandelier, yip-dee-doo! Small children by definition have the healthiest approach to food possible. If you don’t believe me, try to remember the last time you saw a toddler obsessed with losing weight in order to look like another toddler on TV and fretting that s/he has gained another pound. Also, try to think of a two-year-old’s body image and compare it to your own. So who’s got a healthier attitude to food?
I’m not afraid that my child will learn to eat unhealthy food because we never have any nuggets, frozen pizzas or chips in the house. We eat fresh fruit and vegetables in industrial quantities, so I don’t need to make any extra effort to introduce a child to them. They are just there, all the time.
As soon as the baby learns to crawl, I will buy several beautiful bowls. I will fill one with pieces of fresh fruit and another one with chocolate and candy and place them in the baby’s room where s/he can reach them easily. A couple of years later, I will add a bowl of nuts. I will replenish them as they empty out. Depriving children of sweets is counter-productive and very controlling. One area where my relationship with food is ultra-healthy is the area of sweets and desserts. My great-grandparents always persecuted me with requests to eat one more piece of candy or “just this little chocolate bar, why won’t you?” So I never saw desserts as forbidden fruit.
Today, I see people create very weird performances around “just one more piece of cake, why can’t I”, and know that I’m blessed to have a healthy relationship with desserts. Recently, I saw an acquaintance actually talk to a dessert (in a scary baby-talk way, too). She was begging it not to be so attractive to her. I asked what her parents’ policy on desserts used to be, and she told me that she only got a piece of cake or an ice-cream as a reward for behaving well or getting good grades. I really don’t want my child to have to talk to cakes 40 years from now.
It is absolutely, completely, totally crucial not to make a child eat against her or his will or try to trick the kid into eating (by reading stories or telling fairy-tales while s/he eats, for instance). It is also extremely damaging to promise rewards for eating (let alone punish for not eating). There are no recorded cases of a child dying of starvation in front on a food-filled refrigerator in a developed country. So the anxiety of “OMG, s/he is not eating!” is not about the child. It is about an adult’s neurosis.
Until puberty hit at about 11, I rarely ate at all. I was a very small child and needed a lot less food than adults thought I should need. So they went out of their collective way to feed me. They danced, sang, begged, cajoled, read, promised, etc. to make me eat. Of course, they did all that from the best possible intentions. However, today I have a massive freak-out – I mean, an actual freak-out – if I can’t eat exactly when planned, have trouble eating in front of people, have a number of very bizarre rituals surrounding food, and spend a lot of time imagining what I will eat on the next day, until the end of the week.
The best, the healthiest approach to food anyone can have is that food is a very enjoyable way of maintaining existence. Babies and toddlers can teach us all about that because they don’t yet know* how to eat for prestige, to alleviate boredom, to self-medicate, to stifle down unpleasant emotions, etc. So it’s completely ridiculous that we, people who have accumulated a bunch of unhealthy eating practices and preferences, should impose our weirdness on those who still know when exactly, what exactly, and how much exactly they need to ingest to survive and feel good.
* Unless we are talking about the babies of extreme neurotics born in horrifying conditions, of course. I don’t see any reason to discuss such extreme cases on this blog, however.
Clarissa's Blog 
I agree with this attitude, even though I don’t think industrial sugar is better than fat.
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One can always buy really good, high quality chocolate.
Besides, I don’t share the American fear of “fat.” I don’t buy “fat-free” stuff or whatever.
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Of course there’s high quality chocolate.
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I just brought some from Spain. Mmmmmmm. . . says N. because I don’t eat it. 🙂
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“Besides, I don’t share the American fear of “fat.” I don’t buy “fat-free” stuff or whatever”
But you seem to be even less afraid of sugar, no?
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I’m only afraid of cauliflower. It smells!
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You can be as free and easy as you like, kids will still end up as picky as hell. Mine don’t eat cheese which is really annoying despite being offered it regularly when they were young. My youngest can sniff it out at 50 paces and refuses to touch anything tainted by it. I have to make his pizzas without cheese.
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“You can be as free and easy as you like, kids will still end up as picky as hell. ”
– Well, they are human after all. 🙂 I, for instance, can’t stand cooked onions, although I love fresh, completely uncooked ones. N. hates mint, which killed lamb in mint sauce for us. Personal fads are perfectly fine.
“Mine don’t eat cheese which is really annoying despite being offered it regularly when they were young.”
– This sounded very French. 🙂 🙂 The real tragedy for me will be if my kid joins N. in not being crazy about borscht. 🙂 🙂
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Clarissa!
Sounds great … in theory…
I used to think I would be making pancakes with my girls in the morning , before school and having breakfast together, wearing pretty dresses.
I used to look at mom’s who were yelling at their kids with utter disgust .
I used to think my kids would never manipulate me.
I used to think I would be able to reason with my child.
I used to think I would be the one giving my kids lessons , not the other way around …
You will find out that some of your great ideas on parenting , if not most, will be destroyed sooner than you think .
You will find out that most of parenting books are utterly stupid and would never work for you.
You will find out that you , as a mom , will be far from perfect.
You will find out that even the tiniest child knows how to get a parent to give in .
You will find out that much of what your child will or won’t do mostly have very little to do with what you try impose as a healthy habit. It has to do with who your child is and with what your child observes and senses at home.
In other words – it is not as easy as you think …
One of my daughters only wanted to drink apple juice, No food . It sounds logical not to give her apple juice at all and give her food , right? Try leaving great food on the table in hopes of your child being interested in it . Try that for a week or so , see your child not eating at all , turning white and fainting …
You will learn to deal with it in your own way .
P.S. if you have these uneasy feelings about food in general, like you are describing , I would try to address it and push through these uneasiness . Your child WILL pick up on whatever bizarre rituals surrounding food that you are describing .
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“You will find out that much of what your child will or won’t do mostly have very little to do with what you try impose as a healthy habit. I”
– The word “impose” is as far removed from my parenting style as beating or choking a child. I have never in my life tried to impose anything on anybody and I never will.
“You will find out that you , as a mom , will be far from perfect.”
– I have to remind you that the child I already brought up is turning 31 next week. And I was absolutely perfect. 🙂 🙂 🙂 Still am, too. 🙂 That’s according to her, not to me, of course. Although I’m forced to agree.
” if you have these uneasy feelings about food in general, like you are describing , I would try to address it and push through these uneasiness ”
– I’m in psychoanalysis. And according to the analyst, my approach to feeding is the healthiest in existence.
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” I have never in my life tried to impose anything on anybody and I never will.”
– sure, I thought so too , until…
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Once again, I raised a traumatized teenager single-handedly right after immigration in extremely difficult circumstances. The results are brilliant. I wish everybody such a phenomenal, successful, well-adjusted, and happy kid as mine. 🙂
Her primary caretaker since infancy was me, as well. No imposition, no forcing, no yelling, never, not once.
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Your approach to feeding a child is almost like mine… and I think it is the healthiest approach you can have.
That being said, I just do not like my son eating snacks before meals.
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Yes, you and I are remarkably well-adjusted. Especially for academics. And I’m being completely serious.
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I dare say so.
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Sweet jeebus. The comments to this post are just like your description of when you started telling people you’re pregnant: full of people promising you doom and gloom. I am going to side with the opposite camp – this sounds like a wonderful approach to dealing with food and your child, and I hope it works just as marvelously as it sounds.
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Thank you, my friend! I also don’t see what positive purpose can be served by telling myself before a baby is even born, “This is useless, nothing will work, things will be horrible no matter what I do, I’m powerless.”
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“This is useless, nothing will work, things will be horrible no matter what I do, I’m powerless.”
– I don’t think I ever said that. If it came out like that I apologize .
I meant to say it would be very different in reality. I did not say anyone should feel powerless. Most of it was a joke about my own experience ,however a lot of mothers experienced similar feelings … and of course, you WILL be perfect !
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There is absolutely no need to apologize! It is simply that my worldview is that if I imagine exactly what I want my life to be, it will be that way. I had planned every aspect of the daily life with my husband long before meeting him. People thought I was insane when they heard about this planning. But now we live that fantasy in every little detail every day.
I also planned and envisioned what my work life would be – again, in every tiny little detail. And it is exactly that way. I believe in consciously fashioning my life, and for me it really works.
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Regarding “picky” eaters mentioned up thread….. I don’t have children of my own but I have worked with young children in a day care setting and I’m oldest of a large family and I have found that if a child helps cook, s/he inevitably wants to eat the food—even food s/he supposedly dislikes. When I worked at the day care years ago, I did a little “healthy” cooking class with the children (and the children actively helped prepare the meal) and parents marveled that their children were eating broccoli and other vegetables they usually refuse. 🙂
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// As soon as the baby learns to crawl … one with chocolate
Of course, you know, but just in case I want to mention allergies. Some babies will arrive to Emergency Room with Angioedema, or Отёк Квинке, if let to eat hardly any chocolate. Allergic reaction can also suddenly appear after illness, as happened to me in childhood (after illness and then chocolate).
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Gosh, folks, what’s with you all?
I’d been warned but I had no idea it would be this bad.
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Warned that you’ll get doom and gloom stories? I don’t want to send this message, even if it may seem differently here. I do think you will greatly enjoy a child, like most parents. Did want to put my 2 cents about letting a baby eat whatever it wants.
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I think you are absolutely right, Clarissa. It is how I raised my child. It works well.
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Thank you for this normal, non-scary comment, David!
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” I imagine exactly what I want my life to be, it will be that way.”
– Wow, I wish I could master such control over my life . Personally , I still struggle with getting everyone to do things on time . I think if I were to plan my life in every detail , I would ultimately be defeated by my own overly strict standards .
What happens if you experience unpredictable events or feelings , Clarissa ?
To Evelina above :
“parents marveled that their children were eating broccoli and other vegetables they usually refuse”
I swear, I’ve sent my picky eaters to a daycare just so they can eat!
In my experience , kids would eat ANYTHING , when eating there with their friends.
Peer pressure, you know …
My kids , who are now are 12 and 13 , and still are very picky eaters, just recently remembered ” how great the chicken nuggets, and lasagna , and rice , and pasta were in Kindercare! ” Even though , I went and talked to the cook at Kindercare at the time and asked which brand she used and how she cooked it .
I made the same at home , but no , mine weren’t yammy…LOL
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“What happens if you experience unpredictable events or feelings , Clarissa ?”
– I don’t believe in emotions that have no cause and that are inexplicable. This is not about predicting anything. This is about living the life you want to live. I’m 36, and at this point, I believe it is high time to have the exact personal and professional lives that I want. I worked my entire life to construct them and now I enjoy the results. What is so strange about it? Is it more normal to dislike one’s life at this age and feel like it’s going in the wrong direction?
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“Is it more normal to dislike one’s life at this age and feel like it’s going in the wrong direction?”
Not exactly like that, I don’t doubt that you are successful and happy. My own experience is that my life changed drastically with kids and not in the way I could predict or imagine . If I learn anything in this life it is that everything has it’s own price . My price for having the wonderful kids I have was to give up profession I loved , for example . There are many examples like that , so that’s what I meant .
It is not about right or wrong…
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As a picky eater forced to eat food I hated as a child, your feeding plan sounds wonderful. If I ever have a child, I will follow it. Forcing a child to do something means they will hate it not want to do it when they’re older. It took me years to even tentatively try new foods voluntarily. Similarly, a child denied something will still want it when they’re older, but will not be able to indulge in moderation.
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” It took me years to even tentatively try new foods voluntarily.”
– Me, too! Only quite recently did I start getting over it.
Thank you for the support, Adrian!
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Adrian, you’re right. My parents never bought crisps, and the moment I left home I loved eating crisps. On the other hand, they let us kids have small amounts of watered wine from the age of 12 or so and as a result I was never interested in binge drinking. 🙂
I’m not a crisp binge eater though. I just really like them (and nuts).
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“Similarly, a child denied something will still want it when they’re older, but will not be able to indulge in moderation.”
-My kid wanted to eat dried worms from the backyard and dog poop…
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Well, when your kid grows up and starts eating dog poop for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU 🙂
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🙂 🙂 🙂
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My parents allowed me to eat one piece of junk food a week. This was whatever I could get with my pocket money. I have no particular relationship to food, but my father’s genes assure I will never be massively overweight.
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“Life will change in ways you do not imagine” is another overused trope.
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It is one that I especially detest. Brrrrr. . .
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I agree with not forcing a child to eat in general or not insisting on a particular food item in particular (eg: obsessing over vegetables).
On the other hand, I am not entirely on the same page with you regarding sweets. In theory it sounds right to me, but there is no way I would put a bowl of sweets within Klubniki’s reach. When she has candy close to bed time, it means hours of struggling for her to fall asleep. And then she wakes up all night. Also, she got really excited when she tried chocolate biscuits for the first time, so she ate the whole bag of them. Two hours later I received a call from daycare because she was vomiting. So, not so sure that a carte blanche really works.. You’ll have to prove me wrong. 🙂
I do agree about not making a big deal around sweets / junk food. I just limit how often and how much we have available in the house.
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