If It Weren’t For You. . .

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Clarissa

May 6, 2013

Another one of the famous games identified by Berne is “If It Weren’t For You.” I will play the part of a clueless first year grad student in these posts and illustrate somebody else’s theory with my own examples. I was never this kind of student but I can be this kind of blogger for a short while.

This game is played by people who assign the responsibility for their actions to others. One example I find very curious is that of women who claim their careers are impeded by their having to do the bulk of household duties. In reality, nobody ever forces them to be the family’s designated cook and maid. If you look closely at their situations, you will see that they fight tooth and nail, manipulate, and struggle to push other family members away from household chores. The goal is to have an excuse to sigh, “Of course I would publish more / start my own business / get promoted / make more money / go to grad school, etc., if only the mean, bad patriarchal system didn’t make me spend all of my time scrubbing the floor.”

Men play this game, too. Their favorite variation on it is “Of course I would publish more / start my own business / get promoted / make more money / go to grad school, etc., if only I didn’t have to provide for you and the kids.”

The deadliest variation of this game is the one that parents play against their children. Children are too dependent to be able to see through the “Oh, what wouldn’t have I achieved if you hadn’t be born and I hadn’t been forced to sacrifice my dreams for your sake” ruse. When they grow up, they will most likely saddle themselves with the exact same kind of guilt-tripping partner to recreate the familiar environment of being blamed for another person’s failures.

The way to deal with these self-sacrificial fakes is by calling their bluff. “I didn’t ask you for these sacrifices and I don’t need them. This was your own choice,” should be the response to their self-aggrandizing drama. Beware, though, in all probability, the fake will not be able to tolerate the realization that all the failures are of his or her own making and will end the relationship in favor of a more willing scapegoat.

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28 responses to “If It Weren’t For You. . .”

cliff arroyo

May 6, 2013

“the fake will not be able to tolerate the realization that all the failures are of his or her own making and will end the relationship in favor of a more willing scapegoat”

There’s also the possibility that they can learn to not regard choices made as failures but rather as legitimate choices that made them happier than other choices would have. But I guess if they could do that then they wouldn’t need a human rationalization punching bag.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  “There’s also the possibility that they can learn to not regard choices made as failures but rather as legitimate choices that made them happier than other choices would have.”
  
  – This would be a position of an honest, mature person. But it so so much easier and so seductive to blame the world.
  
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  1. titfortat
    
    May 6, 2013
    
    I know, I know. I would have so much more time if I didn’t have to read your blog everyday. You need to stop putting so many of your thoughts on line. 😉 🙂
    
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    1. bloggerclarissa
      
      May 6, 2013
      
      I can see you are very good at this one. 🙂 I am, too, by the way. 🙂
      
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titfortat

May 6, 2013

Years of practice. 🙂

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Kara K.

May 6, 2013

Yep, my mom employed the sacrificial lamb ruse often. This is why I’m reluctant to have children. I realize that children of emotionally manipulative/abusive homes usually pass these behaviors down to their own children. I’d rather not have them at all than inadvertently do this to my own.

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1. cliff arroyo
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  Or you just didn’t want children. Nothing wrong with that, lots of people don’t.
  
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2. David Gendron
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  Thank you for not breeding.
  
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3. musteryou
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  I’ve never wanted children — have never felt any affinity for them. I have, however, had to spend many years bringing myself up, learning to grant myself certain freedoms and defend myself against other people’s excesses. These skills were not taught to me. I had to gain them myself, through practice. I think at the age of fifteen my parents said, “That’s it. You’re an adult.” After that, I had to learn everything for myself. That was when we migrated and my parents had no emotional energy to impart. It takes too much energy to start from scratch. So the way I see it, I have brought myself up, and this has been a difficult enough task for one lifetime.
  
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David Gendron

May 6, 2013

Not only procreation is harmful to parents and the other existing individual, but parents have the tendency harm their “product” with this kind of manipulation tactics.

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1. cliff arroyo
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  Now that is pure nonsense. Human parents are essentially smarter chimpanzees, of course they’re going to do a lot of things wrong.
  
  Is mass extinction really the better option?
  
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  1. David Gendron
    
    May 6, 2013
    
    I don’t talk about mass extinction. I talk about reducing harm of existing individuals (or increasing the probability of living). Not only I have no promote with adoption, I support it.
    
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  2. David Gendron
    
    May 6, 2013
    
    don’t talk about mass extinction. I talk about reducing harm of existing individuals (or increasing the probability of living). Not only I have no problem with adoption, I support it.
    
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    1. bloggerclarissa
      
      May 6, 2013
      
      But who is there to adopt if nobody procreates? 🙂 🙂 Just saying.
      
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  3. David Gendron
    
    May 7, 2013
    
    Fair enough, I don’t think it’s possible that nobody procreates.
    
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David Gendron

May 6, 2013

Not only procreation is harmful to parents and other existing individuals, but parents have the tendency harm their “product” with this kind of manipulation tactics.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  Life is harmful, it makes you die. And oxygen is poison that takes 80 years to kill you off. 🙂
  
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  1. titfortat
    
    May 6, 2013
    
    That is why you drink, to make life somewhat palatable. 🙂
    
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    1. bloggerclarissa
      
      May 6, 2013
      
      I definitely don’t.
      
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David Gendron

May 6, 2013

Off-topic: http://thinkprogress.org/health/2013/05/06/1967591/elizabeth-smart-abstinence-ed/

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musteryou

May 6, 2013

I don’t play games. I am completely responsible for any failures, but I see myself as broadly the confluence of historical forces and I am satisfied with that. Failures are not end points, but are part of life’s continuum. As such, I prepare myself thoroughly for both successes and failures. I really believe I have a high quality of life, perhaps unmatched by many. The less I allow others to detour me from my inclinations, the richer and happier my life becomes. I used to be too polite — listening to others with the attitude, “perhaps you have a point.” One can’t help doing this when one is young and naive, as one simply has to learn from one’s environment and the best way to do this is by paying it close attention. With years and maturity, one becomes more certain of one’s instincts, and it’s much more obvious which ideas deserve my attention and which don’t.

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1. Kathleen
  
  May 8, 2013
  
  Musteryou, you are very healthy! Preparing for failures and accepting them as a part of life means you are a strong person. I agree with you very much on your point about being too polite in the past. When I was younger I also felt the need to nod and smile at everyone. However, that is slowly disappearing! One day it will be gone altogether.
  
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  1. musteryou
    
    May 8, 2013
    
    Well I run my life like a military campaign and like a Taoist. I have a broad understanding of my goals — not to narrow. For instance, since 1996, I had desired to free myself from psychological oppression, both internal and out. I’ve waged a strong campaign to do so — my memoir was part of this, as was my PhD. Now, in 2013, I am inwardly free and I don’t see much external oppression at all.
    
    Sometimes I was pushed back…I received some pushback…so then I became Taoist. I said to myself, “What advantage has this person inadvertently given me by pushing back against me like that?”
    
    Often I found they had narcissistic traits and they were warning me against themselves. So, I learned that lesson and used it to free myself some more.
    
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musteryou

May 6, 2013

“The way to deal with these self-sacrificial fakes is by calling their bluff. “I didn’t ask you for these sacrifices and I don’t need them. This was your own choice,””

Actually, I’m in no position to do that. Please see the following, which unfortunately was scripted on my iPad and is entirely unedited:

Ch 21

When we arrived in perth, roger dickinson, who i knew in s!isbury, told me that jobs were few and far between and i should just take what i could get. One morning we went down to the employment agency in our Friends beat up ford, which they had lent us, to look at the notices. I was looking for something in print. I came across a vacancy for somebody with film planning and reprographic experience at a company called photolitho. We headed off to this company, and got introduced to the boss, peter mavlin, a lebanese guy. He offered me the job at two hundred dollars a week. At that time we were paying ninety dollars a week in rent, so. I turned it down. On the way back, glenda and i passed the sunday times building, so i decided to see what my chances would be like there. I called in at the front office, but when i explained what i did, they sent me around the side of the building to a door with art photo engrAvers on the top. I walked in and someone directed me up the stairs. I got introduced to the generAl manager, who heard me out for a few minutes and then sAid he had nothing for me. So i started walking down the stairs, when a dark skinned woman interrupted us. She looked at me and said to the manager, shall i take him to mr moore? He sAid what for? She sAid well youve seen him, perhaps mr moore should see him.

She took me up the stairs again to where a dozen people were seated at desks. Mr moore called over the production manager who pointed to some film work that was on a bench and said can you do that? I said i could, whereupon i was told to start on monday.

On monday i started. By the time i got there i felt like i was stepping over a cliff. The night before i had a really bad night. The temperature was higher than thirty degrees throughout the night. I dutifully arrived and got talking to a bloke called chas. he tried to put me at ease by talking about the chooks that his mother kept. I had no idea what chooks were. I couldnt even guess. Then someone came and gave me a really simple job to do. The trouble with the job was you had to keep really clear in your mind the difference between left and right. Films had to be punched to retain register. Every time you turned them over, left and right got thrown into confusion. At the end of three hours, i didnt even look like i was going to get it right.

I did eventually get the job done but it was such an agony. When you change country you become disoriented. I went to teh doctor and she said it was an imbalance from changing country. She put me on tranquillisers.

The second day i managed to finish off the job, but i would get to the stage where id be standing in the dark room with two bits of film in my hand, having lost track entirely of where i was with them. I found eventually this would lead to panic because i knew if i couldnt hold onto a job, we would not survive.

The following day, we all went down to a pub for lunch. Thijs was my first taste of a food hall. We walked across the road to get beers. I bought two and was about to walk out the bar with them, but was told they had to be in packets.

Sunday times pay was three hundred and fifty dollars a week.

The first friday of the week i started, i was told everyone was meeting at the pub. I went around to the pub at four oclock. There was a crowd of people up against the counter. I walked my way up to a counter. A barmaid came up to me. She was totally naked. I was shocked.

Gradually i got better at doing the job, with a lot of help from the blokes. One i remeber was peter bell, and he and i would follow in each others footsteps for years after that.

The difficuties of doing a job i wasnt very familiar with started to wear away at me. It was constant insecurity. Then the firm ran out of work. I worked out that this was probably my downfall, because they would start to lay off staff by getting rid of the worst staff.

One day i was working in the dark room and one of the guys sAid you dont look very happy. I explained i wAs about to lose my job. He sAid, oh, no, youve got family. Ill go and see them. Ill tell them ill go first. It may have come to that, that he ended up to go first.

We used to make printing plates for the sunday times newspaper. One afternoon i wS working late to get the plates out. After id made them i reAised id made a mistake. I spent another hour correcting it. In those dAys if you worked for sunday times, you got a free newspaper. I was lying in bed eArly one sundAy and glenda threw a newspaper on to the bed. It had been delivered. I quickly checked it and found id done it right.

One day when it was a bit quiet i went for a walk around the fctory. I came cross a arge hall with around 20 people operating type setting machines. A few weeks later i went round again to find that all the machines had gone. The digital age had started. One day the foreman came to me and said the company had just bought a new camera, would i like to check it out and get it going? Ii then had to wade through a new lot of digital concepts. The camera came with a computer. After i got the camera going well i went to the foreman and said that if it was possible i would like to move up on to the scanners. They agreed to this but the bloke in charge of the scanners, a bloke called Trevor Smith was an egotistical nut. His 2 i c was Laurie Miller who was as sweet as pie. Anyway i came un der Trevor Smith. Trevor gave me a very rough time, though he was a good operator. Then i heard the compny was thinking of shutting down. A new company was starting up, Gibneys Graphics. Our salesman Norm Macey moved across, as did our production manager Don Stevenson. Our present company renamed itself art photo engravers. One day i spoke to Don Stevenson and asked if he wouldnt mind looking out for a position for me in the new company. A few weeks later i duly transferred across as a trainee scnner operator. My new foreman at Gibneys was another egotistic. Son of a bitch

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1. Z
  
  May 6, 2013
  
  Yes, I can see not being in a position to do that.
  
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Z

May 6, 2013

On the book (the TA book), it turns out Vonnegut gave an interesting review.

Kurt Vonnegut Review of Games People Play

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Jonathan Mayhew

May 6, 2013

If it weren’t for time spent reading Clarissa’s blog, I would have finished my book on Lorca by now!

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  May 7, 2013
  
  And here is how the future of Hispanism was compromised. . . 🙂
  
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