Clarissa's Blog

Many women say they feel constantly guilty as mothers. Thoughts of not doing enough for their children, of not being exactly what is needed, of not trying hard enough persecute them.

I know I will never feel mother’s guilt, though. I won’t feel it for the same reason I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, consume pain-killers and take hot baths while I’m pregnant. I don’t do any of these things because I made the decision to get pregnant and carry the pregnancy to term, and now it is my responsibility not to harm it.

Playing around with guilt is not something I can afford any longer. While an adult can manage this game and derive a lot of enjoyment from it, to a child it is uniformly terrifying to see a guilt-ridden parent. A child can’t understand that this guilt has nothing whatsoever to do with him or her but is, rather, something that existed long before the child’s conception. The child has no idea that s/he is an excuse for, rather than the cause of, the guilt.

So instead of terrorizing the child with the horrifying realization that “My existence hurts Mommy”, if the need ever strikes to experience the joys of self-flagellation with guilt, I will practice it in some other areas of my life. If I feel guilty about my publication record or buying too many books, this at least won’t harm anybody else.