David Gendron brought the following Facebook comment to this blog:
My lover has Asperger’s. Practically, it means that he never ask me “How are you?”, that he rarely takes the time to hear from me, that he gives me the same red roses for my anniversary even if I tell him each year that I prefer wild flowers, that, when he’s at our house, he helps me one time out of three to carry grocery bags, that he expects me to prepare regularly home meals for him, that I walk always beside him (not in the back nor in front) when we take walks, even though he walks faster than me, that he bawls out to me when I walk one inch behind him, that he needs to talk to me endlessly about his electronic stuff, that he never answers to my questions even if the answer is simply “yes” or “no”, that he talks to me all the time or that he ignores me totally.
But he’s not narcissic nor egoïst. He has Asperger’s and I love him.
I have heard a similar speech quite often, so let me tell you the following: there is NO diagnosis, NO condition, NO disease, NO life situation, NO issue that entitles anybody to treat people like crap. There is absolutely no excuse to treat a human being in a way described in this comment. If anybody does anything to you that you are not 100% comfortable with, you are absolutely entitled to put a stop to that immediately. They can have a list of diagnoses from here to the Moon, but if you are not 100% comfortable, you have the right to get out.
Of course, it’s up to you how much you are willing to tolerate. Just remember that putting up with this sort of garbage has nothing to do with love. And neither does behaving in this way.
I also find it quite offensive that some jerkwad would use Asperger’s to justify walking all over this idiot of a girlfriend. Yes, people with Asperger’s often find it very hard to navigate their way through personal relationships. They are, however, perfectly capable of learning, adapting, compromising, and creating very fulfilling personal lives if that is what they want to do.
And as for expecting some subservient air-head to prepare home cooked meals, can anybody in their right mind really think this can be a symptom of anything but being a jerk?
Jeez, what lies wouldn’t people tell themselves to avoid facing their problems.
Clarissa's Blog 
I felt that something was wrong with that and this is not the first time that she puts that kind of stuff on her Facebook wall. And in fact, this is a softer translation. The French version is worse.
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Many years ago I used to know somebody who used diabetes to manipulate people in the same way. There was no girlfriend but there were a sad, beaten down mother and a bunch of friends who were used and discarded to serve the “invalid.” And now I have temporary diabetes and I know that the disease only makes you a jerk if you want it to.
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I’ve seen this same type of BS happen on YouTube with certain atheists that want to diagnose a whole group of people as having mental disorders (Christianity). It’s a shame really. The nutty religious fanatics are usually in fringe groups and don’t really represent people like me who subscribe to a religion but aren’t dogmatic about it or force views onto others.
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Hummm, your comment is accurate, but I’m not sure about the link between your comment and this post. This man has Asperger’s and he’s also a jerk, but this is not a generality.
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“This man has Asperger’s and he’s also a jerk, but this is not a generality.”
– Exactly. Just look at me. I’m niceness personified. 🙂
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Apparently, there’s quite a few people using Aspergers as an excuse to be a jerk. This must be the 20th time I hear a story like that.
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The sad part is that so many people are ready to buy into it. 😦
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I would find the last line more convincing if some actual positive traits were listed.
How do you even end up dating someone who never responds to your questions?
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Homophobic jerkwads… http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/louisiana-republican-announces-legislation-to-ban-flying-the-rainbow-flag-on-public-property/discrimination/2013/07/09/70744
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Sick, pathetic losers.
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Maybe we should ban the famous “Don’t thread on me” waved frantically waved by those same stupid homophobic and racist jerkwads in the Tea Party…
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Tabarnac!
http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/vet-whos-not-against-the-gays-compares-gay-flag-flying-in-local-park-to-kkk-flag/politics/2013/07/06/70622
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Well, a vet could have suffered any amount of damage in the war. We have to be understanding of the disabled. He is obviously a very sick person. And those who are suing him for anti-gay political purposes are shameless.
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Natural resource prisoners… http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2005/sep/13/medicineandhealth.china
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The problem with the article is that it is extremely vague. A company, a representative, a rumor has been circulated, etc. I see zero evidence that this wasn’t just concocted by a journalist who didn’t feel like investigating and invented all this. Maybe not but where is the evidence?
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I agree that this text is too much vague, but I try to see if some readers have heard about it.
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I have very limited exposure to Asperger’s. However, one former colleague of mine is affected by it. He is brilliant, and well-known. He does have some characteristics that are unusual. For example, he cannot look anyone in the eye. When he walks along a corridor and someone is coming the other way, he slides against the wall and looks at the wall until they pass. He focuses in great detail on specific topics. He knows these indepth but he is veery naive about matters outside. He has no real friend. He relies on admiration rather than mutural interestHe knows these in gr
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Hi, Charles!
Your list of things about your old colleague does sound very familiar to me. (I’m not diagnosed Asperger’s, I’m diagnosed with something called Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified, but that’s probably only because I was evaluated before they added Asperger’s to the book of psychiatric diagnoses, because I would have been an obvious case.)
1) Looking people in the eye. I actually used to have no problem with this, but when I was a child people kept telling me I stared, and that my staring was unnerving to them, so I quit looking at people at all.
2) The hallway thing. I don’t do that, but it sounds similar to my being extremely sensitive to other people coming close to me. I do not like it at all, it’s scary and unpleasant. People have made me cry by standing too close. Your ex-colleague’s actions seem to me like he is trying to minimize the closeness between him and whoever is passing him in the hallway.
3) Focuses in great detail on specific topics. Oh my gosh, yes! This ability to zoom in on things, and hold attention for long periods of time, is probably one of the greatest gifts my autism has given me.
4) Naive about matters outside (of those topics). I assume you’re talking about things generally falling under the rubric of “how the world works” here, which is definitely a huge blindspot for me. If you think about it, it makes sense: if you know that almost everyone else you’re going to meet is so radically different from you that you can’t predict with any accuracy what they’re going to do, you will be surprised by almost everything they do. It’s less that we can’t understand other people (which is what I used to think) and more that we are so different that it’s a lot harder for us to understand normal people than it is for y’all to understand one another.
5) Can’t take criticism. Yes, this is a weakness of mine, too. I used to be very upset by any and all criticism, whether well-meant or not, and it would indeed “break down (my) thought processes completely.” (Good, apt phrasing there!) I’ve gotten better at it over the years, though.
6) No real friends. This one isn’t me … I’ve actually been very blessed with a lot of very intimate friendships throughout my life! I’m not sure why I differ from your former colleague in this way, because I don’t know him, but I’d guess that I might’ve had better verbal skills at a younger age than he did, and also I’ve known I was autistic since I was very little, so perhaps I had some self-knowledge that he did not that made me better able to cross the ocean separating me from other people. (You can see how knowing that it is an ocean, rather than a puddle, might help. You prepare for a longer crossing.)
Anyway, that’s my experience! But to these eyes, your description looks A LOT more like Asperger’s than David’s Facebook comment excerpt does.
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I am experiencing difficulty in commenting on this blog. The space peters out and does not allow me to make corrections or deletions. So, the final sentence above should read: “He relies on admiration rather than mutuality of interest. He cannot respond at all to constructive criticism, which seems to break down his thought processes completely.
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“I am experiencing difficulty in commenting on this blog. The space peters out and does not allow me to make corrections or deletions.”
– I have no idea why this happens. I’m sorry for the inconvenience!
People, is anybody else experiencing this problem?
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It’s rather condescending. If you love someone, you love their gifts. You would think the roses were cute, not a mistake.
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Very true.
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This guy sounds more like a husband from the 1950’s than someone with Asperger’s.
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This post made my jaw drop. It’s not often that something I read actually shocks me.
I understand, at least I think I do, since I only happened over here from Feministe and have never visited you blog, that your aim is to dispel negative thinking about Asperger’s, and therefore you bristle at people who seem to use Asperger’s as an excuse to behave badly, because that gives people with AS a bad name. I get that.
But AS is very different in different people, and the above description does not sound at all unreasonable as an account of some things that a particular person with AS might not be able to do, which makes your post quite hateful, intolerant, and arrogant, even though I trust that you did not mean for it to be that way.
But to be honest, I find it quite offensive. Why do people with AS have to be the ones to accommodate the able-bodied? Privilege versus oppressed status suddenly doesn’t count in this case?
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“But AS is very different in different people, and the above description does not sound at all unreasonable as an account of some things that a particular person with AS might not be able to do”
– If you are not able to avoid causing pain to others and treating them like garbage, then you live alone and don’t inflict yourself on anybody else.
“Why do people with AS have to be the ones to accommodate the able-bodied?”
– Empty, meaningless verbiage. There is no ability or disability that entitles one to walk all over other people.
“Privilege versus oppressed status suddenly doesn’t count in this case?”
– If this man is so oppressed by this woman, he has the option of kicking her out of his life. However, if he chooses to continue with her, he cannot claim oppression.
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I find it pretty ableist that you assume assholes with AS are assholes due to the AS.
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“I find it pretty ableist that you assume assholes with AS are assholes due to the AS.”
– Good point. The commenter’s suggestion that this guy takes revenge for the discrimination he faces in public spaces by torturing people in his private life makes him sound even worse than the description in the OP.
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“I find it pretty ableist that you assume assholes with AS are assholes due to the AS.” What? I said nothing of the kind. I’m not even sure what you are referring to.
And where did I make a “suggestion that this guy takes revenge for the discrimination he faces in public spaces by torturing people in his private life?” Huh? Where did I say anything remotely suggesting that?
I’m also not in any way saying that this man is oppressed by the woman in his life. I don’t know where you get that from either.
He is oppressed by society’s demand that he not make the rest of us inconvenienced or uncomfortable with his pesky disability. It’s fine for people to be disabled from a distance, and people are fine with expressing compassion and understanding for disabled people in general, but when the difficulties that they/we face start to actually affect real-life situations, then the disabled are not so compassion-inspiring anymore, and even become the source of scorn, like the person referenced in this post.
He might very well be a jerk who could do better if he tried. But he also might not. I don’t think it’s right to jump to a conclusion about an individual.
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“He is oppressed by society’s demand that he not make the rest of us inconvenienced or uncomfortable with his pesky disability.”
– You are confusing the private and the public spheres. Society should, indeed, make every effort to accommodate the disabled. However, in our romantic relationships, nobody can expect us to put up with the tiniest bit of discomfort for any reason whatsoever.
“I don’t think it’s right to jump to a conclusion about an individual.”
– We are not discussing any individuals. We are analyzing a text.
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I don’t know if you are being obtuse on purpose.
I’m not confusing anything. This post is about the public perception of people with disabilities. It is only using the individual in question as an example, in order to make blanket statements like “no one in their right mind would think that this constitutes anything but being a jerk,” and “his gf is obviously an idiot.” It is incredibly arrogant.
And what do you mean by saying that we are not discussing individuals? Was the text in question made up? Because you made it sound as though it is indeed a real text written by someone describing a real-life situation. In which case, yes we are discussing individuals, and we are calling them “jerkface” and “idiot.”
I am utterly perplexed by your statement that “in our romantic relationships, nobody can expect us to put up with the tiniest bit of discomfort for any reason whatsoever.” Is that meant to be sarcasm? Or are you really saying that no one should ever have to put up with any inconvenience in a relationship? Not an argument, ever? Not a disagreement, ever?
One last attempt to explain why your post is so offensive. Imagine it was about someone with Parkinson’s rather than someone with AS. Would the gf be “an idiot” for helping her partner get out of bed, or use the toilet? Would he be a “jerkface” for needing help getting dressed?
Anyway, I’m done. And I’m very very saddened.
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This blog is obviously way above your very limited intellectual capacities. Try to educate yourself, read books, develop your cognitive skills. It’s wrong to inflict your intellectual limitations on others.
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