Another set of questions from reader el:
2) Did you believe from the beginning you had “it” to succeed? What if one wants to try and achieve something, but has this feeling “I am not smart, creative, etc enough”?
My sister and I were brought up in a way that doesn’t leave space for these sorts of doubts. I always knew I was very talented because since the day I was born there was a group of people following me everywhere and chanting, “OMG, you are so talented!” I knew I would get accepted to McGill, I knew I would get accepted to Yale, I knew I would get both of my big Canadian scholarships, I knew I would get published, I knew I would get a good tenure-track job after graduating, and so on. This is the positive mother/father complex we talked about a while ago.
For a variety of reasons, this vision of myself was damaged while I was in my doctoral program. As a result, there were a few months where my positive mother/father complex started slipping away. I got them back since then and never want to be without them again. This was such a bad experience that I have got to wonder how people manage to go through their entire lives like this.
3) For instance, in your field, not everybody *is* good enough to succeed objectively. At what point can one sadly but honestly accept one’s limitations and stop trying to break a wall?
I don’t think it’s productive to look at things from this negative point of view of having limitations, not being good enough, and breaking through walls. I suggest we take the approach based on fun and enjoyment. Here are some questions to ask oneself (based on the example of my field, but feel free to substitute any other area of human endeavor):
Are reading books in the area of Hispanic Studies, talking about them, and writing about them the most enjoyable (non-sexual) activities you have ever experienced? Do you feel little explosions of happiness when you clutch a new book by a leading critic in your field to your chest? When you hear the word “fun”, does anything related to your work in this area immediately come to mind? Does your work energize you?
If not, ask yourself: Why am I wasting my life on something that is not intensely enjoyable? Just consider the weirdness of dedicating a lifetime to having a bad time. How strange is that?
Also, a small clarification: when people say, “Not everybody can afford to work in a way that is fun”, what they are really saying is, “I lack psychological energy to enjoy life and work.”
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