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I Suck

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Clarissa

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I’m a horrible wife, people, and overall a sorry excuse for a human being.

Here is what happened. A colleague, let’s call her Liliana, left a gift in my mailbox with the following note (in Spanish):

Dear Clarissa, this is a small gift for you and N. This is handmade soap that I made from glycerin, olive oil, and some natural oils. I hope you enjoy it. Merry Christmas!

“It’s so nice of Liliana to give me this candy,” I thought. “But she is such an eccentric person. Why does she call candy “soap”? And who the hell uses glycerin to make candy?”

When N came home, I handed him Liliana’s gift and said, “Here is some candy from Liliana. It’s for you.” I genuinely believed it was candy because, for some unfathomable reason, I decided it had to be.

N opened his mouth and stuffed the entire (small) soap bar inside. And then suddenly started spitting and ran away to the bathroom.

I urgently need some rest. I’m becoming dangerous to myself and others.

 

6 responses to “I Suck”

  1. cliff arroyo Avatar
    cliff arroyo

    It could have been worse, you could have mistaken it for something with ham and sliced it up as an appetizer or made sandwiches from it (jabon/jamon is a mistake I’ve made a time or two).

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      “It could have been worse, you could have mistaken it for something with ham and sliced it up as an appetizer or made sandwiches from it (jabon/jamon is a mistake I’ve made a time or two).”

      – The difference is that I would have eaten the ham myself. 🙂 I’m the ham person in the family. N is the sweets person.

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  2. el Avatar
    el

    Most importantly, do you still have a part of the soap in your hands?
    And not inside N. and / or inside your garbage can. 🙂
    So that you would be able to try whether it has a good smell and how it feels on the hands.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      “So that you would be able to try whether it has a good smell and how it feels on the hands.”

      – Yes, it hasn’t all been eaten. 🙂 🙂

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  3. Shakti Avatar
    Shakti

    Poor N.
    When he finished washing his mouth out, how did he react?

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      “When he finished washing his mouth out, how did he react?”

      – For the next 30 minutes or so, we wept with laughter, rolling on the floor and beating our heads against the floorboards. I was afraid I was going to pop anotehr blood vessel in my eye because it was just too funny.

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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