People who believe that forgiveness is somehow better than a refusal to forgive have such a broken down mechanism of self-preservation that it’s scary.
In reality, forgiveness doesn’t exist. If you are truly over something, you’ll just forget about it and there won’t be anything to forgive. And if you are not over it, then forcing yourself into a show of forgiveness will only push the hurt so deep inside that it will have no choice but pop out as a symptom of some illness.
I’ve always seen forgiveness as an elevated form of acceptance. I thought it was more along the lines of “I accept that you did X and I don’t hate you for it,” or even just “I accept that X happened and I don’t hate you.” That seems like a completely different phenomenon than getting over it. It’s possible to forgive and not forget, just like it’s possible to understand why someone did something and not condone or agree with their actions.
Is it just me, or is this a weird semantic thing born from our incessant need to label everything?
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What I’m trying to say is that there is some sort of prestige attached to forgiveness that is not to holding a grudge, feeling rage, or hatred. But the problem is that rage and hatred are normal emotions that everybody feels. Some people accept this but others hide from these emotions behind stories of forgiveness. And that’s not a road to happiness.
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One of the problems is that (like with many conversations about complex issues) many people frame the topic in terms of two possibilities only: either you bestow forgiveness and breeze on with your life like an angel untouched by the world, or you become twisted, defective, even demonic with the anger you hold onto (especially if you’re angry at parents or other people with power over you). There’s no room in this view for anger being a normal emotion that you can make healthy use of.
When I was younger I repressed anger constantly, and it led to some terrible results for me psychologically. I grew up thinking anger was shameful and a sign of a defect – a view that so neatly served people who were abusive to me. And these abusers and their enablers (often so well-meaning!) pressured me to “forgive” and “move on…” Now that I have a more mature understanding of anger, I can be honest with myself, listen to myself and use the anger as a signal that some relationship, thought process or circumstance in my life needs to be addressed and potentially changed. Letting myself feel anger – and also honestly identifying the cause of the anger – gives me much more control over my life, as opposed to losing control when I repress the anger and don’t examine it.
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What a brilliant comment. I agree 100% that the invocations to “forgive and move on” are the perfect tool of silencing the abused.
I love this comment.
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I think I have anger and hatred towards my parents, I’m 27 and still living with them, I feel like they failed to raise me and understand me and also never showed love at the times I needed it particularly ‘pre-conscious memory’ where my mother admits to never having been able to hug me until I was 4 which obviously I can’t remember but it would explain my lack of empathy, possible self hatred and inability to cope away from ‘home’. How do you deal with that anger that’s buried deep in the subconscious? There were warning signs before but when I seemingly halfheartedly attempted suicide the psychotherapist passed it off as Aspergers, now it definitely feels like it’s starting to raise it’s head. Out of anticipation of what’s about to happen I’m trying to show my mother how I feel, she insists on responding with seeming accusations and talk about the Christian God, forgiveness and how I need to let go of my blame and anger and my rage gets stronger and stronger ever time she opens her mouth. I don’t think you can just move on from anger and hatred like what is about to happen to me. In the past I’ve had dreams about having killed my mother and I could see myself letting go and going on a killing spree on the general public for being part of allowing a seemingly benign but clearly unloving human being to have children when really they should have spent the time and genuine effort to deal with their own issues instead of hiding them deep in their religious thinking and all but forgetting
Hopefully I don’t come across as just trying too much ‘one-upmanship’ with my issues/anger. I think my bubble is about to burst i wonder if there’s any way to deal with the suppressed anger before it decides to fully express itself because that would have serious consequences for me
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Hey, look, it’s really great that you can feel this anger and can verbalize it so well. Many people can’t, and it just sits there, unacknowledged, poisoning their lives. You are conscious of the rage and of its causes. That shows great self-awareness and a readiness to heal. You are absolutely entitled to feel what you are feeling and don’t let anybody tell you the opposite. Your mother is very fortunate in that you are still trying to communicate with her. It’s sad that she doesn’t realize this.
What might help is to bring all of these feelings out. If you could find somebody to talk to who won’t judge and would just accept your need to discuss it, that would be great. Writing things out might also be helpful. Some sort of physical activity is a good idea. Working out, running, brisk walking. If you can walk in a solitary place where you can yell at the top of your lungs, that might be good. Punching a pillow or a punching bag.
As for forgiveness, if you try to bury these feelings and forgive, it will blow you up, and the consequences might be very bad, so I don’t recommend trying to go in that direction.
And most importantly, anybody who suggests that your feelings are wrong or unjustified- dump these idiots from your life. They are stupid and don’t deserve any attention.
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This I agree with. A declaration of forgiveness is just that, a declaration. It means nothing on its own, and can cause a lot of problems. Emotion is far more complicated, and I think the concept of forgiveness or moving on is used a lot to bully people into conforming to some idea of “normal.” Words and labels tend to make everything seem simpler, I think.
It’s nice to hear someone referring to anger as a normal emotion. That doesn’t happen every day. Thank you for that. 🙂
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Thank you! This is the clearest articulation of this idea that I’ve seen.
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I think that forgiveness from strength can be great if the person can do it honestly. It’s saying “I’m not going to let this control me”. If they can’t for whatever reason then so be it.
But what’s often called forgiveness is done from weakness and amounts to “I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me again”
What I really hate is people asking for forgiveness as a kind of get out of jail card. “I want forgiveness so I can pretend it never happened”.
If forgiveness is asked for it’s meaningless. The only thing the transgressor can honestly do is express regret (if it’s sincere), asking for something on top of that is manipulative garbage.
“It’s saying “I’m not going to let this control me””
“If forgiveness is asked for it’s meaningless. The only thing the transgressor can honestly do is express regret (if it’s sincere), asking for something on top of that is manipulative garbage.”
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Sometimes times getting beyond holding a grudge and fostering festering resentment requires a decisvie psychological break and forgiveness provides that for the granter. I don’t think it can be forced if it is not sincere. But, sometimes it has to be explicitely and even ritually articulated in order for somebody to get over something. Everybody is different. But, I found it much easier to let go of old grudges by framing them in the form of forgiveness rather than hoping they would fade away.
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Here is the thing, I don’t see why “getting beyond holding a grudge and fostering festering resentment” is anything to strive for. I don’t think that emotions are to be sanitized and feared. Negative emotions are just as important as the positive ones. I don’t want to “get over” any part of my life experience.
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\ I don’t see why “getting beyond holding a grudge and fostering festering resentment” is anything to strive for.
Because those emotions, if they persist long-term, may lessen one’s energy and destroy feelings of happiness?
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“Because those emotions, if they persist long-term, may lessen one’s energy and destroy feelings of happiness?”
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In my paticular case it was having negative effects upon my emotional well being and my relationships with other people. My solution was to go back to church and forgive for my own sake. Other people are of course different.
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If you are truly over something, you’ll just forget about it and there won’t be anything to forgive. And if you are not over it, then forcing yourself into a show of forgiveness will only push the hurt so deep inside that it will have no choice but pop out as a symptom of some illness.
By that definition, I almost never forgive. I’ll put aside something in my mind, and the next time that person hurts me I’ll instantly remember and be angry again. It’s not my best character trait.
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Yeah, me too. There are things that I’ve gotten over but I still can’t forget them. I have an insanely good memory for people’s names, personal details (but not phone numbers!), any conversation we’ve ever had, etc.
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“I’ll put aside something in my mind, and the next time that person hurts me I’ll instantly remember and be angry again. It’s not my best character trait.”
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
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