Impostor Syndrome

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Clarissa

October 29, 2015

It turns out I’m not too old to discover what the famous impostor syndrome is like. I thought I’d die without ever experiencing it, but now I’m in the grip of precisely this weird ailment.

A while ago, I saw an announcement soliciting proposals of chapters to be included in a collected volume. I wrote a proposal and it was accepted. I wrote the chapter, and the editors returned it with really fantastic suggestions as to how the chapter should be changed. I started working on the changes but the day before yesterday the editors sent out an email with information for all contributors to the volume.

And then the responses from the contributors started to come in, and I freaked out. These are all very famous people. I had no idea who the other contributors would be when I first submitted the proposal. And now that I know, I’m afraid of all the famous people showing up in my Inbox. I’ve actually been hiding from my Inbox because I’m scared of seeing any more famous people appear there.

And now I can’t work on the changes to the chapter because I’m afraid of writing stupid things and making myself look ridiculous to all the famous people. So I’m sitting here, scared, blocked, and freaking out.

The whole thing is aggravated by the fact that although I work (a lot!), I don’t go to work. And that makes me weepy, uncertain, anxious, scared, insecure, and intellectually timid.

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23 responses to “Impostor Syndrome”

David P. Bellamy

October 29, 2015

When I was approximately your age, I got an invitation for something similarly prestigious. I was shocked and asked a much more senior topologist something to the effect of “Why did they invite me to do this?” She told me “Because they have read your work and wanted to hear what you had to say. You are clearly the person they wanted, and you are a good choice for them to have made.” This quickly relieved the feelings I was having.

I don’t have the firsthand knowledge of your work that she had of mine, but I am offering the same observation, nevertheless.

Congratulations.

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 29, 2015
  
  Thank you, David.
  
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J. Otto Pohl

October 29, 2015

Pull yourself together Clarissa. Those “famous” people are probably completely unknown to everybody except you and a couple dozen of specialists in your field. Unless of course one of them is the mad Slovenian Zizek. In which case I have heard of him, but think he is insane. One of the advantages of being a permanent exile and outsider is that I long ago ceased to care about any “famous” people or “big names.” They aren’t any better than me and I refuse to treat them like they are nobility and I am a peasant. In the end it is all largely a matter of luck. It is great that you are enjoying success as a scholar. But, those more successful than you are not any better. Of course my attitude will undoubtedly keep me exiled from the US forever. However, it beats the alternative of living in fear of being judged by people who in the big scheme of things are not much more important than me or anybody else in Africa.

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 29, 2015
  “Those “famous” people are probably completely unknown to everybody except you and a couple dozen of specialists in your field. ”
  
  Just like it is in every profession. But since it’s my profession, these are the only people whose opinion matters to me professionally.
  
  “But, those more successful than you are not any better.”
  
  Of course, they are. I still need to grow intellectually A LOT.
  
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Shakti

October 29, 2015

Congratulations, Clarissa!
Your long range plan is coming to fruition as you’re working so hard to accomplish it. If they had such a positive glowing reaction to your chapter, they will only remember the responses that confirm it.

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 29, 2015
  
  Oh no, the reaction was not glowing. Many very helpful suggestions for changes means they want the chapter to be changed a lot.
  
  But yes, the long-range plan is slooooowly working itself out.
  
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  1. Shakti
    
    October 29, 2015
    
    Generally people only give constructive detailed criticism with helpful suggestions to people who they think can implement the changes and benefit from them.
    I don’t bother giving such advice to people who don’t want it or can’t use it.
    
    I don’t know how academic colleagues treat each other in this situation. Have you offered suggestions for other people’s chapters? Are you seeing suggestions for other chapters from the other contributors?
    
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    1. Clarissa
      
      October 29, 2015
      
      “Generally people only give constructive detailed criticism with helpful suggestions to people who they think can implement the changes and benefit from them.”
      
      Thank you, this really helps.
      
      “Have you offered suggestions for other people’s chapters? Are you seeing suggestions for other chapters from the other contributors?”
      
      No, this is all done by the editors. I have no idea what the other contributors are doing. It will all be a great surprise.
      
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tombers

October 29, 2015

Good luck with it. It can be frustrating.

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Vic Crain

October 29, 2015

Please allow for the fact that the editors are presumably smart, and they had their (presumably) sound reasons to select you. (Congratulations for that, by the way.)

Allow for the fact that if you do say something weird, the editors will come back to you about it before it appears in print. They have a vested interest in having a good volume, and that means protecting their writers.

Finally, like the advice for nervousness in speaking in front of a crowd, imagine all these famous people naked and how silly they would look. They are all human, after all, as you are.

So, what’s the real problem?

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 29, 2015
  “Please allow for the fact that the editors are presumably smart, and they had their (presumably) sound reasons to select you. (Congratulations for that, by the way.)”
  
  Thank you. 🙂
  
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Jonathan Mayhew

October 29, 2015

It’s great because some of those famous people won’t be at their best. If you are at your best, yours will be among the solid contributions to the volume. Younger people in the field will shortly see you as one of the famous, intimidating ones.

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 29, 2015
  “Younger people in the field will shortly see you as one of the famous, intimidating ones.”
  
  Oh, I’d love to be one of the important, scary people one day. Like you are. 🙂
  
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  1. Ol.
    
    October 30, 2015
    
    Respected and admired, instead of intimidating and scary.
    
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cliff arroyo

October 29, 2015

The fact that you recognize it as impostor syndrome means you’re not an impostor, the real impostors breeze through life without the slightest bit of self doubt ever.

You’re more normal than you realize. I’m sure everyone here has had moments, some of them looooooong, of self-doubt. It’s like a conscience, be glad you have it, just don’t let it paralyze you (I’m sure you’re far too smart to let it do that for long).

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 29, 2015
  
  Yes! I want to be normal!
  
  But ideally, in a different way than this one. 🙂
  
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Sternococktail

October 29, 2015

I was about to write: Pretend to be a guy! A real cocky guy who think he is the best there is… But that might lower your IQ so much that you couldn’t keep up the quality of your work… So maybe you should be Boadicea, the warrior queen, kicking Roman ass big time?

(I have always thought that Boadicea was the correct name – but the nerds at Wikipedia says it should be Boudicca or Boudica ?)

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Jones

October 30, 2015

Live in a place where there are plenty of famous (and infamous) people living there, and you’ll get over this fairly quickly.

It conditions you to ignore someone’s fame, which of course is a useful thing to be able to do if you’re famous (or infamous) in your own right.

As far as your present situation goes, you wouldn’t be in contact with these people if there weren’t a situation available.

The important thing to keep in mind is that although this may be the first time, provided the execution is excellent, it shouldn’t be the last …

BTW, I find this variation of “stage fright” for academics quite amusing. 🙂

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 30, 2015
  “Live in a place where there are plenty of famous (and infamous) people living there, and you’ll get over this fairly quickly.”
  
  You are right, when I was at Yale and Cornell, I did not have this problem. Maybe I need to go back.
  
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  1. Jones
    
    October 31, 2015
    
    Ah, yes, I suppose it is time for a Yale story then.
    
    Several decades ago when I was wandering around Yale in the direction of the bookshop, which I did not know closed early even by British standards, I happened upon a well-known scientist and author …
    
    I looked at him with a look of recognition, one where I recognised that he was quite likely late making his way somewhere.
    
    He looked at me with the same look of recognition, and I was in fact in a bit of a hurry to make my way somewhere.
    
    We both went on our separate ways, having “greeted” each other without being imposing on each other.
    
    The other thing I remember from that day was being told of a building at Yale where the architects conspired to avoid ninety-degree angles in its construction while still creating something more than a bit boxy …
    
    I remember thinking at the time that the undergraduates who were telling me about this as some sort of “innovative design” could come on a “site survey” with me to some shoddy housing estates where the “architects” and “engineers” were more than capable of ensuring that “air gaps” and odd angles were prevalent throughout the construction, and that the future residents could look forward to buying ample amounts of Polyfilla to attempt to remedy some of these problems.
    
    Is that horrible thing still there?
    
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    1. Clarissa
      
      October 31, 2015
      
      The worst building on campus is, unsurprisingly, the one that houses the school of architecture. 🙂
      
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Ol.

October 30, 2015

Writing a stupid book proposal and being paralyzed by the impostor syndrome. I should consult a psychoanalyst.

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1. Clarissa
  
  October 30, 2015
  
  Book proposal! Well, it’s high-time. This will be a very valuable contribution to your field, seriously.
  
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