Talking about pink elephants, here is a big one: an article on parenting that is actually not stupid!
Adam Grant “How to Raise a Creative Child.” Hugely recommended.
In the meanwhile, parents in Montréal camp out in the frigid Canadian night to register their kids for a prestigious kindergarten program. I’m guessing they are not reading Dr. Grant.
A very interesting article, thanks a lot, Clarissa! 🙂
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I LOVE this article. I was just arguing with my cousin yesterday about this very thing — how children are being bullied into high achievement by their overbearing parents. I said that I just let my kids do their thing and I don’t care a lick about their “grades.” (They go to a Montessori school, so they don’t have grades, per se. Just reports on how they’re doing.) I said that as long as they are good readers, then kids can learn anything they are interested in learning about and that I want them to find their intrinsic motivation and go with it. But I don’t push them about it. She said, “Yeah, but what if your kid doesn’t have intrinsic motivation toward anything? My son (19 years old) has no passion for anything.” I didn’t say this to her, but her helicopter parenting probably squeezed all passion out of him from a young age. I didn’t know what to say, but I said, “if he’s not motivated now, he might become motivated if he took some time off from school and did a shitty job and allowed himself some time to screw up.” She didn’t like that answer at all.
I really can’t be bothered to worry about whether my kids are going to be millionaires or be the American culture’s idea of success. I just want them to be intrinsically motivated by their passion. I can’t control that at all, so I’m just going to sit back and let it happen. Of course, I’m very happy to talk to them, be supportive (emotionally), and be a wake-up call if they need it. (And as they are young, be protective to a certain extent, but also know that it’s so fine and normal if they fail.) I also know that you rarely choose your passion; it often chooses you. So I’m not going to worry about how my kids find their passion. I’m just going to let them explore.
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“I said that as long as they are good readers, then kids can learn anything they are interested in learning about and that I want them to find their intrinsic motivation and go with it.”
Exactly.
“I didn’t know what to say, but I said, “if he’s not motivated now, he might become motivated if he took some time off from school and did a shitty job and allowed himself some time to screw up.””
You are absolutely right. My husband’s parents were all over him at the age of 19, badgering him for not being motivated enough or whatever but all he needed was time to discover what he was interested in. Since then he got a PhD and is doing great professionally.
“I also know that you rarely choose your passion; it often chooses you. So I’m not going to worry about how my kids find their passion. I’m just going to let them explore.”
They are extremely lucky to have you!
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“They are extremely lucky to have you!”
Thank you! I hope that they think so too. 🙂 I really do think that being a teacher has changed my whole opinion about parenting. People smother their kids and then wonder why they aren’t soaring to new heights. Ugh. It’s so gross.
Plus, I’m sure you’ve heard about cluster suicides of teenagers in Palo Alto, right?http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/
These privileged kids are being pushed to the brink. So glad we don’t live in the bay area anymore!
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She said, “Yeah, but what if your kid doesn’t have intrinsic motivation toward anything? My son (19 years old) has no passion for anything.” I didn’t say this to her, but her helicopter parenting probably squeezed all passion out of him from a young age.
Is it really just helicopter parenting though? I think critical demeaning parents who make everything their kids do about them also play a huge role. The kid has no room to determine whether their desire to do something comes from them or is just some extension or reflection of their parents’ ego.
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These are different words for the same phenomenon. Control and criticism are both evidence of aggression.
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Is it really just helicopter parenting though? I think critical demeaning parents who make everything their kids do about them also play a huge role. The kid has no room to determine whether their desire to do something comes from them or is just some extension or reflection of their parents’ ego.
Yeah, you’re right! A lot of it is about being controlling, critical, and demeaning. If we weren’t in the same family, I would NOT be friends with this person. (And even so, we aren’t actually friends)
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A conservative literary critic and college professor
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