Women who complain that they do a lot more childcare than their husbands, leading to losses in professional development or beauty time, need to ask themselves: do they contribute to manufacturing a distance between father and child? Do they insert themselves into their relationship with suggestions, control, hovering, constant presence and supervision?
Because I know I do.
I’m the last person I would have expected to be a helicoptering Mommy. Over the years, I have worn my tongue to a stub and my fingers to nibs telling women in RL and online to stop inserting themselves between fathers and children. I can recite miles upon miles of theory on the importance of paternal involvement and of a timely transition through all the stages of cutting the emotional umbilical cord. And here I am, having to fight a veritable battle with my desire to hover. I’m boring myself stiff with how stupid and useless I’m being about this.
I’ll win this battle for sure but I have to conclude that, in developed countries, just like the “women do more housework” slogan, the “women do more childcare” trope is meticulously constructed by women themselves. At least, I didn’t have to fight myself over the pathetic “I do the dishes / clean / do laundry, etc because if I let him do it, I’ll have to rewash / clean all over again, etc afterwards.” That kind of insanity, at least, I have been spared.
Clarissa's Blog 
So you’re a “helicoptering Mommy”???
Isn’t parental “control, hovering, constant presence and supervision” normal care for a 1-year-old child?
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She’s 3,5 months old. Of course, she needs constant presence. But she needs Daddy, too, not just the Mommy who tries to shoulder Daddy out of sight.
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You talk about her as if she were much older, projecting thoughts and ideas into her that she couldn’t possibly be having at that age. But then, I guess that’s normal for an imaginative, caring parent. 🙂
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They need their Daddies from birth, though. It’s not an age thing.
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This behavior often comes with breastfeeding, which only mama can do. My husband was always an extremely involved parent but the constant hovering and worrying that he wasn’t doing things as I would do them actually ended once the playing ground evened out (in other words, once I stopped breastfeeding). This is normal behavior (although I agree that it is something to be resisted), and it passes on its own in healthy couples.
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Agreed – I fight this too. My husband travels quite a bit for his work and I am always worse just after he gets back because I get so used to doing things “my way” while he is away. I am able to win the fight with myself most of the time, but it takes a surprising amount of effort!
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