You Don’t Get to Name People

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Clarissa

July 11, 2016

Words like “autistic, Asperger’s, bipolar, asexual, etc” have absolutely no meaning whatsoever. If people choose to apply them to themselves to advance their understanding of themselves or in conversations with mental health professionals about themselves, that’s great. But using them to diagnose others when those others haven’t asked you to is simply a way to feel superior.

If your relationship sucks, stop trying to analyze, figure out, diagnose or enlighten your partner and concentrate on yourself. Stop asking if she acts this way because she had a difficult childhood or if he acts that way because he is autistic. These are entirely meaningless questions. You might just as well ask if he is moopla-schmoopla. Ask instead if your needs are being met in this relationship, and if not, then why you choose to be in such a crappy relationship.

Asking why your partner treats you like shit is a pathetic way of trying wrestle power away from them. It’s based on the illusion that if you get to name their disorder, you will stop being a loser in yet another failed relationship and will become a person endowed with superior knowledge who is in control.

In short: stop asking “Why does s/he” and start asking “Why do I.”

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11 responses to “You Don’t Get to Name People ”

David P. Bellamy

July 11, 2016

I have heard this many times, and I think it is an oversimplification. Many people feel that they do not have the right to withdraw from a relationship since they have made a commitment andhave an overwhelming feeling of responsibility to the other party in the relationship. Realizing that the other person is, for example, bipolar can justify what would otherwise be unacceptable behaviour, such as leaving the relationship.

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1. Clarissa
  
  July 11, 2016
  
  “Many people feel that they do not have the right to withdraw from a relationship since they have made a commitment andhave an overwhelming feeling of responsibility to the other party in the relationship.”
  
  That’s immaturity. The question to ask here is: what benefits am I deriving from behaving in such an immature way?, etc. It is a lot more productive to concentrate on solving one’s own problems. Otherwise, one will end up in the exact same kind of relationship many times over.
  
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2. Z
  
  July 11, 2016
  
  Well, when I was involved with this man who had health problems and used them to make others miserable I wanted to leave, yet hesitated for a long time because I felt it was not my right to leave someone because they had health problems. There were several logical fallacies and other blind spots in this reasoning. But I don’t really think any kind of illness is an excuse. I don’t want to commit to a lifetime in a nurse role.
  
  However, I am not raised to put my needs first. It is hard for me to remember that I get to choose relationships, friendships, jobs, activist roles, hobbies, everything. My mother would say that the first consideration is the other: if someone has requested you, you owe it to them to donate yourself to them. Seriously!
  
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  1. Clarissa
    
    July 11, 2016
    
    “But I don’t really think any kind of illness is an excuse. I don’t want to commit to a lifetime in a nurse role.”
    
    And that’s the only normal, healthy position.
    
    “My mother would say that the first consideration is the other: if someone has requested you, you owe it to them to donate yourself to them.”
    
    Mine, too. But since she always behaved in the exact opposite way, the lesson didn’t stick.
    
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    1. Stringer Bell
      
      July 11, 2016
      
      I’ve actually thought about this. Leaving your partner if they become physically handicapped seems very cold to me. My girlfriend says we should.
      
      Would you leave N if he developed serious health issues that made it impossible for him to go out and work?
      
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      1. Shakti
        
        July 11, 2016
        
        Well, men are more likely to leave their wives if they develop cancer than the other way around.
        
        The key is “using your health problems to make other people miserable”. I’ve known people who’ve done it, it’s never just the health problem in and of itself.
        
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        Clarissa
        
        July 11, 2016
        
        Oh yes. Chronic illness can be used as a cudgel to beat people over their heads forever. Not always, of course, but it happens.
        
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      2. Clarissa
        
        July 11, 2016
        
        No, of course not. Although he is obsessed with the issue and insists everybody should buy long term disability insurance. I told him I don’t need it because I’ll be happy to take care of him in any stage of disability but he still is into buying the insurance.
        
        Of course, nobody would leave the person they love because of an illness. The problem is staying only because they are ill. For instance, my friend told her boyfriend it wasn’t working between them and she wanted to leave. He responded that he’d just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and given weeks to live. Of course, she stayed with him only to discover later that he was perfectly healthy and lied to make her stay.
        
        Stay for love, not for pity is my slogan.
        
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        Stringer Bell
        
        July 11, 2016
        
        I’m thinking now that one of the biggest motivators to being healthy is the thought that you’d inflict your partner with a world of pain if something terrible happens to you.
        
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        Shakti
        
        July 11, 2016
        
        Although he is obsessed with the issue and insists everybody should buy long term disability insurance. I told him I don’t need it because I’ll be happy to take care of him in any stage of disability but he still is into buying the insurance.
        As I understand it, the long disability term insurance is not a relationship hedge; it’s an income hedge, for you and especially for Klara. I don’t bother with it since I don’t have anyone who depends on my income besides myself.
        
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        Dreidel
        
        July 12, 2016
        
        Shakti is correct about the insurance. Long-term disability insurance is to provide income to make up for that lost due to your inability to continue working.
        
        Long-term health care insurance — a totally different type of policy — provides for medical needs such as in-home professional care or a nursing home.
        
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